Friday, March 2, 2012

Boundaries

I remember when the word boundaries was first introduced to me in relation to addiction.  It was a little frightening and exciting to realize that I did have a little control.  The idea of something that might wrangle the chaos that constantly swirled around my life seemed like something that was too good to be true.

I began to realize that boundaries were all I had in terms of control.  Learning to be consistent with the addict was the test.  Addicts manipulate.  They are the master deceivers.  It took a little practice to stand firm.

In the Homeward Bound Program at the jail I volunteer to take an AlAnon meeting.  These girls really need AA or NA but we are all they have.  One of the things that the girls had a hard time hearing was the fact that I kicked my son out when he refused rehab.  It is a topic that they continue to revisit each week.

All of the girls but one have come to understand why I did it or have let it go, but one.  Wednesday she asked, "what if you kicked him out and he committed suicide?"  I replied, "then he would have made that choice."  I asked her, "what if I allowed him to continue to live here and because of that he had enough money to buy enough drugs to overdose?" 

"It was my boundary"  I said.  "It may not be your mothers."  "It was what I had to do to take care of myself."  "You get to decide what your boundaries are."  "You get to decide if drugs are more important than sobriety."  "You get to decide when you've had enough and you want something different."  Maybe she listened.  Maybe not.  She will decide.

I've not been on here much as I've been working way too many hours.  My house is a mess.  Laundry is piled high.  Groceries are non existent.  I've been eating so poorly and my weight is up.  I could use a few of my own boundaries about now.  It's funny how I couldn't see how the girl at the jail was putting her sobriety on her mom's shoulders because she needed her even if she was using.  She could not see that her choice was just that....her choice.  Same with me.  I haven't put up the much needed boundaries to take care of my health. 

Today I say a prayer thanksgiving for the AlAnon program and the lessons that I have to keep learning, over and over again.  I am thankful for the lessons that those girls teach me and the perspective that they give me.  I pray for growth for each of us and I say a prayer for Henry.

2 comments:

Lou said...

The one sounds like she is still not ready to accept her problem. When an addict is struggling to acceptance, they find "excuses" for why they can't stop.

I think your clear explanation of boundaries is excellent. I go with the assumption that I don't know what will resonate with someone. So I keep it honest, and let it go.

Have Myelin? said...

Nicole died so, so, so, fast, I never had a chance to ... go this far.

I don't think she gets it either. Too many excuses.

I really wish I had access to Nicole's diaries ... her own thoughts in her handwriting. I will one day. Then she and I will have a talk. =)