Addiction formally introduced itself to us this time (within 6 days) last year. It had been there for quite a while, we just learned it's name. A lot has happened since that time. A lot of good; a lot of bad. It is hard to hear things that you never want to learn. It is hard to hear just how long recovery takes. It's hard to accept that life can't be "Rockwellike". But, it's not and it does.
I remember going to my first AlAnon meeting and being both relieved and scared. I was in a room with people who are dealing with addiction for the long haul. That seemed so daunting. But, they also gave me some incredible tools.
Step one all by itself can move mountains. Learning that God is the only one in control seems so obvious and yet I think few of us really believe it. We don't understand the tentacles of control we all have and try to use. When I finally started to understand this concept, it was a relief in a way.
The 12 step program made me go in search of who I really am. It allowed me to respect myself more as God's creation. It made me less tolerant of status quo.
So, in honor of this milestone in my life, I move forward again to try to live in the best way possible by seeking counseling. There is a little fear. Like last year, it's difficult to face the hard stuff. It's like getting on the scales after Christmas. But, it is an effort to try to deal with this last part of my life in the most honest and healthy fashion possible. I know so much more now. I know now that when I get those intuitive twinges, it is dangerous to ignore them because you are afraid of what they mean. It is always best to deal with things truthfully.
Addiction has been my wake up call. It has made me do a lot of questioning in my life. I now know that family is the reason I'm here. I now know that my children (adult children now) are still the best gifts I've ever received. I now know that I am willing to do whatever God wants me to do in order to follow His will. I just don't know, practically speaking, how to get there. So, today, I go before an impartial person and ask for help and clarity. I can't ever go back to living on the same path that brought me to this place.
There are other options. We just have to be willing to take them. Despair isn't an option anymore. It is wrong and suggests that I don't trust God to make this better. My best friend gave me a kick in the backside and got me to look at those dangerous thoughts.
Today I am thankful for surviving this most difficult year. I am thankful that we aren't in the same place as last year. I pray for clarity in following God's will. I pray for the patience to remember to take my journey "one day at a time". I pray for all of you affected by the disease of addiction. I pray for my family's growth and I pray for Henry, as always.
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