Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Journey

A chronic disease is like a marathon.  Anyone who suffers from one knows this for sure.  Addiction, I think like cancer or cystic fibrosis, drags the family along in tow.  I have always felt that this is a journey that no one wanted to take.

A journey suggests that this will take us from one place to the next.  And, so it does.  In the beginning I wanted direction from anyone who could help.  Then, I tried employing only the boundaries I discovered in the recovery communities.  Now, I look to my faith to help me out in the gray areas.

I recently met with my friend Lou.  I told her that we (our family) had helped my son "one last time".  She said that she hoped it wasn't the last time.  And when I tried to apologize for something that I'd done with my son, she told me to quit apologizing.  When she instantly, matter of factly (don't know if that's a word) said those words it was as if a 60 lb boulder was lifted from my shoulders.

If he is using, he will go.  If he is trying to recover do I just stay away?  For now, I have decided to go with my intuition.  I have decided to go with prayer.  I am trying to remember that parable of the man forgiving his servant not 7 times but  77 times.  I am trying to remember that loving my neighbor as myself and the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and mind can never steer me wrong.

This does not mean that I'm allowing him to move in, ever or that I will give him money.  It just means that I will not be sorry for forgiving after disappointment or for loving him no matter what he does or where he goes. 

This is my newest milestone.  This is a place where control and fear are not allowed to enter.  This is a place of holy indifference. 

Today, I am thankful for the peace and joy provided when I am at a point where I can no longer keep moving forward without God's grace.  I am thankful for great friends who are pretty good at throwing a tow line.  I am thankful that God is the one doing the heavy lifting on this one.  I pray so hard and without ceasing for healing for our addicted loved ones.  I pray for the miracle of love to engulf them so that a substance will never compare.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.


Annette said...

What a powerful post Hattie. Isn't Lou wonderful? She really helps to bring perspective.

**It just means that I will not be sorry for forgiving after disappointment or for loving him no matter what he does or where he goes. **

This sentence says it all to me. I am in a similar place....I will continue to love my child. No matter what. I will continue to hope for healing until there is no breath left in either me or her....whichever comes first. I will not feel guilty for any of the above. I will not fall into the trap of what other's think I should do, because I have realized that no one really knows!
Bless your heart for writing this all out so eloquently. Beautiful post. Thank you!

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Thank you, Annette. I would say that no holier words have ever been said than those in your last paragraph. God Bless you and H...prayers being said for both.

Meth Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...

As painful as it is for us, there is much personal growth and wisdom to be gained from this journey we take with you sons. It helps us put things in perspective. I've always been a people pleaser, but I'm learning not to put so much importance on other people's opinions. I, too, have found myself in the position to feel the need to apologize for one action or another regarding my son, but we all have to make our own decisions, and we all must travel this path in our own way-the way of our heart.
You are a loving, wonderful mom. Forgiveness and hope are good and nothing to apologize for. I'm glad you've realized that. Praying for you and your son.

luluberoo said...

An older, long time recovered addict told me: "do what you can live with. None of it will change the addiction. You are just not that powerful."

That wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time, but today I know it's absolutely true.

beachteacher said...

Beautiful Hattie. I'm praying for your son.