As this year comes to a close, it is interesting to look back at the year and look at where we've been, appreciate any good changes, and look forward in the hopes of making other changes. There is nothing like a life changing event to really shake you out of complacency.
Last January, I would never have imagined that we would be where we are today. Oddly enough, my son's addiction has been a gift to our family in many ways. I would never have imagined how this could be until I went through this. When a child, even an adult one, faces such a life threatening crisis, you will either roll over in the fetal position and give up or you will throw caution to the wind and fight like never before. I must admit that I did find myself in the fetal position from time to time, but, only long enough to gather myself, pray for strength and direction, get mad and get up swinging.
This year has taught me so much. I have truly understood for the first time ever that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, in control. I have learned to trust God and to stop fighting for control. I have learned that I will not survive peacefully, unless I have surrendered my all to Christ. I now know that even the most trivial (in my mind) of sins, separates me from God. I know that miracles happen, big and small, when I follow God's will.
This year I joined Al anon. It is one of my life's greatest blessings. Al Anon teaches me to take care of myself. It teaches me to stop taking God's teachable moments away from my son. It has taught me to allow God to restore sanity to my life. It has taught me to mind my own business. It has introduced me to such amazing people. It has given me a wonderful safety net of people who know all about what I'm going through.
This disease has brought me closer to friends and family. It has shown me how loved and blessed that I really am. It has made me more mindful of how important it is to constantly pray for my loved ones. Since I'm not so busy trying to fix my son, I've started to dream again. I've started to pursue some of my interests again. I am excited for the first time in a long time.
My husband and I are truly a team. This disease has brought us so much closer. He is learning through Alanon in a men's meeting. We are learning to really follow God's will in every aspect of our family, business, and home life. We are finally growing. No more stuck in neutral or even going in reverse.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not happy that my son suffers from the effects of addiction. I wish that he had never tried the first thing. But, he did. It is what it is. It is the past. Today, I am thankful that I was finally able to take a life experience that God gave me and actually learn something. This time, after a few "poor me's", I stopped and asked "ok, what do I do?'' "Show me the way, Lord." And guess what, he answered. He didn't leave detailed instructions. No, it was more like, trust me with him first....then I received peace. Then it was a gift of sharing this story with all of you...then I had a desire to pursue writing and I received such closeness from you all and the gifts of your prayers. Then my husband and I stripped away all of the useless unimportant aspects of our lives, tossed them in the can and are starting fresh.....that is so hopeful.
I look back at 2010, and feel blessed. I really do. I feel excited. I feel like shouting....Look what God CAN do!! On July 25, 2010, I could never have imagined that this is how I'd feel, but I do. On that date, I learned a truth that had been haunting my son for some time. It is always best to get truth out in the open and deal with it. I began by feeling paralyzed with fear and now feel comfort and joy. Thanks be to God. I look so forward to what's to come. I can hardly wait to see what God will do this year. My faith has grown....maybe not enough but it is growing. Life is good.
My son has a job. He is excited. He is making it on his own. I'm not doing anything to support him except remind him that I love him and know that he can do it. His confidence is growing. My confidence in him is growing...little by little. I think 2011 is gonna be amazing. But, 2010 was pretty good too.
Today my prayers are of Thanksgiving for my family, friends who are my family too, my son's sobriety, my husband's will to do what's right, my girls strength, my Al anon family, and for all of the gifts of health for my family members. I don't really need black eyed peas or tamales for good luck this year (but I want them...). I will continue praying for each of you in the new year and as always for Henry. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.