Today is one week before Christmas. I find myself struggling a lot lately. I think it is because I am like a spiritual two year old. While it is great to have childlike faith, I'm fairly certain that the immature selfish feelings I have are not something I should aspire to. I want my son to go to rehab and I want it now. I have been stamping my foot in prayer thinking that I should have my son at least hit bottom and want the treatment by Christmas. Then, I switched to, I don't even know what or how to pray for my son so I'll just take to the recliner, dogs on my lap and ignore my life. Then, I got mad and decided to start a fight with anyone who I felt contributed to the drug culture in anyway (see previous post). You see I am the child who left the room when she didn't get her way, then decided to throw a fit for attention to get her way. God is patient. He didn't yell at me. He just waited for me to wind down and be ready to listen. Now, I am asking, "what do I do now?"
First, I read a blog about advent. I learned for the ___th time that this season is about me pushing through all of the inconsistencies of my life, dealing with my sinful nature and most importantly, I need to wait. Then I went to mass. After mass I was reading about praying. This article that I read discussed all of the effective ways to pray. It mentioned the importance of private prayers, prayers we know from childhood, those we read and most importantly, the rosary. Mary can ask for us the things that we need. When I pray, I typically ask for what I want, without little regard for what's best. I may throw in an obligatory, "if it be your will." I may even mean it sometimes. Other times, if I am totally honest, I am saying it, hoping that because I've said that, then I will be granted my desires. It is such a struggle. How foolish is it, that I am trying to manipulate God.
When Mary had a problem, she pointed it out. She didn't tell Jesus how to fix the problem. No, she knew that she didn't have the supernatural vision that he did. She had such complete faith, that his way would be so much more than any solution she could come up with. At the wedding in Canaan, she simply pointed out that they were out of wine. She didn't say, so send a few fellas after more. She didn't say, be sure they get this kind or that kind. She pointed out that the wine was gone. Jesus not only replenished the wine, but he made sure that it was the best wine. Why can't I quit telling him to send my son to rehab? I really want that complete faith. I'm trying.
Today my prayer is this, my son is a drug addict. My son is chose drugs over you, Lord, over his family, over everything. My son is living such a dangerous life. I am so fearful. I miss him. Please help him. Please help us. Please help me to hear your words, live your will and help grow my faith. I also pray for all others who live with addiction. And as always, I pray for Henry. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.