Sunday, December 12, 2010
As the holidays are approaching and the weather becomes a little bit frightful, then my mama bear instincts to protect and gather in my cubs ramps up a bit. I've become rather impatient. I've become out of sorts. I've gone back to pleading with God.
The wind is howling as I type. I know that my son has no money. I know that what he is getting to eat is bummed or stolen. I know that his need to be separate from his family must come from addiction. I know that most people who didn't have a job, phone, car or money, would not choose to live away unless there was an addictive, mind altering pull that made you give up everything good for you. I know that he must feel terribly lost. I know he probably feels hopeless.
This is a hard reality to face. I have been less than peaceful today. I keep praying and begging. I have been wanting what I want on my time. This disturbs me because it means that I am selfish and lacking the faith that I need to have.
Sin is an ugly thing. It can be small and subtle. It can be for me gluttony(with all of these holiday goodies) or sloth(with this cold weather). It can be complaining about others instead of trying to bring happiness to others. I find that in even these small things, I move ever so slightly away from God. It is when this occurs that I lose my peace. It is when I start lacking faith. The biggest problem of all is when I am selfish. I have decided to pray for blinders.
Blinders are these flaps that they put on a horse's bridle that keep the horse from seeing off to the sides. This makes the horse look straight ahead instead of looking at all of the distractions. For a race horse this allows them to keep moving forward and not spooking at all of the other things going on all around.
I'd love to have blinders on so that I wouldn't look at others and think...well their family is all together for Christmas. I want blinders on so that I won't think about all that he is giving up to live for addiction. I want blinders on so that I will stop thinking about self.
I need to look straight ahead and see what God can do. I want the faith to look ahead and know that God isn't finished teaching him yet. I want the peace back that is a gift when you trust. I am working on my sinful nature. I am fighting as hard as I know how.
Today my prayer is for blinders for myself. I pray that God helps my son deep down beyond the addiction to fight for his life and his soul. I pray for my son to want help. I pray for all of you to be closer to our God as we wait on our Lord. And, I pray for Henry. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.