Autumn

Change is in the air and I'm not just referring to the seasons.  It seems like in life we go along for such a long period of time just going through the motions.  Then, all of the sudden, Kabam....EVERYTHING changes.  We go from doing the same ole same ole to watching every facet of our lives take a turn.  Today is a day when I have to sit down and slow down and let this aging processor in my brain take the time to sort it out and let it all sink in.

My mother was sick for a very long time before she died.  Her care was not enough for her to go to a nursing home but just enough to be very intensive for those close to her.  In the last six weeks of her life, she became in need of constant care.  It was very difficult both physically and emotionally. For a while we begged God to let us keep our wonderful, loving, sweet mom.  She was our glue.  How could we ever function without her?  But, in the course of her long suffering, we were able to stop thinking about ourselves because it was so hard to watch what she was going through.  She began to detach from things of this world, from us. She helped us get ready to let her go.  After what seemed like relentless suffering without peace,   we prayed for her to go. I think she waited for us to be ready.  That's what mom's do, right?   She went....quietly and peacefully in the middle of the night with only me by her side, I held her hand as she left this world.  I was the last child she brought into this world and now I was the one with her when she left.  I was the one afraid of being there when it happened and yet somehow God prepared me.   After a few hours, our relief turned to Oh my goodness, what did I wish for?  How am I going to go on now?  My dad was so lost.  He had spent so much time caring for her that he did not know what to do with himself.  He had to learn how to only care for himself.  I don't think he ever got the hang of it.  He died 4 yrs later, still missing her. 

Today, my son is making a change.  He is planning to move from the half way house to an apartment.  He wants to room with 2 other fellas, who are also serious about recovery, and begin to try to take care of himself and to try and be like most other young men. He and his sponsor think this is a good next step. 

My oldest daughter is in college and very very busy.  My youngest is a high school senior.  She is also busy.  These days it only seems to be me and my husband and the dogs!  I have spent the last 22 yrs of my life caring for these kids.  The last few years have been so intensive with my son that I don't even know what to do with myself.  I dreamed of "me" time and all of the sudden...I have more than I want.  What in the heck do I do with myself? 

I told you the story of my mom's death not because it is an analogy for my current situation, but, because it was a life change as well.  It was a process of detachment.  We talk a LOT about detachment in Al-anon.  It is a skill that I still work at....daily.  But, it is a necessary one.  Detaching is healthy.  It keeps me minding my own business.  It allows my son AND my daughters to know that I trust that they can do it.  Somehow, trying to prevent the mistakes I've made from happening to them became so much more than it ever should have.  I can love them and counsel them but then I have to let it go and pray. 

As autumn begins in this calendar year, a new season is also on the horizon for my family.  It is a season of change and growth.  It is unfamiliar territory.  It is a little sad....a little happy and a lot different.  I think our kids are a lot stronger than we imagined and I am so thankful for that.  Today, I pray for continued growth.  I pray for those facing change, that they may let it go with grace and have the ability to hear God's will for this new season.  I pray for families everywhere who are learning to detach, no matter how scary that is.  I pray for my son and his perseverance in this journey of recovery and for his great grandfather, Henry.