Thursday, January 26, 2012

If I Had Only Known Then....

Dear older self,

There is so much that I wish you had known.  There are things that could have possibly changed the course of your families journey.  But, it is not to be known.  We did travel this path and even though we took the really scary fork we learned so much. 

I am guessing that your fear kept you from living your life to the fullest.  I don't think you wanted to do things the hard way, it was just so difficult to believe that letting go could ever have saved you and your son's very life....but it did. 

I'd like for you to know that I think that control is your defense against fear.  I'd like for you to know that AlAnon says that fear is "false evidence appearing real."  and that AA says that fear stands for "F*!!* everything and run"  I agree with both of them.  Don't buy into what HASN'T happened.  I'd ask you to be on guard as control is hidden in so many of our actions and it can be difficult to spot.

Please know that faith and giving control to God is the ONLY, I repeat, ONLY way to gain sanity.  When you give control over to God, he will teach you so much, surprise you in amazing ways and make you realize just how silly your lack of faith has been.

I'd tell you that Love is really the most important thing.  You can love someone by listening to them....really listening and when they say the things that make you cringe, you let it be ignoring any desire to correct a behavior in favor of remaining present and just continue to love....not so much with words but with your presence, your ears, your interest and your touch.  Love heals all. 

I'd tell you that it isn't selfish to have a life outside of being a mom.  I'd tell you that having a life is good for your family too.  It brought me and my son even closer.  It brought my girls closer to me also.  It brought me closer to the work that God would have me do. 

I would tell you that maybe even though you did all of these things, perhaps we'd still be where we are....but I suspect not.  I'd tell you to cut yourself some slack.  I'd tell you to do better when you learned better. 

There are no successes or failures only lessons learned along life's path.  Things aren't good or bad...they just are...what is bad now in your limited view might just be a good lesson in the long run.  You not want to be where you are but if you "let go" of the notion of what YOU want, you might just find the blessings of where God has placed you.  You'll get to meet a lot of amazing people when you accept where God has placed you.

Hang in there, don't lose faith and pray because our life really does depend on it.

With great care and compassion,
Older Self


Annette said...

This needs to be published somewhere. Seriously. Maybe Alanon's Forum magazine???? Excellent excellent post. Thanks for sharing.

Lou said...

Older self, don't forget:

1) we are all in this together

2) redemption is in acts of kindness

3) my child is an addict, and I love him/her unconditionally

4) A $5 skinny mocha latte can lift our spirits

Terri said...

Love, love, love this post!

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Annette and Terri...thank you so much!!! Lou, I love YOu!! I always love your comments and the skinny mocha latte!!

beachteacher said...

Wow,....this is SO great ! And you're right, I did "meet" amazing people & you're one of them. Thank you. ho Ed

Sherry said...

Hi Hattie -

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I also loved this put into words what I think, feel and know! So glad that things are going better for you and like you, I know prayer works! I still pray for many of the parents and addicts I've met though this blog almost every day!