Thursday, May 24, 2012

Unrealistic Fear

There is a numbness that seems to come from muscle memory.  A dread of sending your addicted loved one off on his journey by  turning addiction away.  Telling Satan to take a hike, hoping that by the time the fight is over that not too much is lost.

There is a unrealistic fear that giving him back to God is somehow more dangerous than being cared for by his parents who selfishly hung on for themselves even though he was continuing to hurt himself.  Addiction is the now visible scars of brokeness.  It is the big fight between good and evil, with evil playing dirty.

I am afraid.  Even though God is always there for me, I am so afraid.   I think I am afraid because of all of the mistakes that I have made along the way. 

Today I say a prayer for strength and I ask God to help my unbelief.  I pray that my son can fight this disease.  I pray that he allows God to help him. and I say a prayer for Henry.


beachteacher said...

I'm so sorry...and am right there with ya. I too am scared right now. It's just so tough to handle and I HATE that our sons have this disease. Mine so much wants recovery, but I believe that there's a small part of him that hasn't surrendered ALL the way. I still am not sure he can pull it off. I pray too, but it's hard to have peace, despite my prayers.

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

We will pray together...everyday. Thank you.

Annette said...

Oh Mama....I so hear you! I am praying and I added a little slip of paper with "Henry" written on it into my God box. For me accepting that *anything* was a possibility prepared me for the worst and the best...I feel like I am ready for anything at this point. Just for today I trust God to hold onto each of our precious babies.

Anonymous said...

Some days it all comes down to giving it over to God. This is one of those days.