Thursday, June 9, 2011

A New Look at the Steps in a New Stage of Recovery...

I had done it.  I had finally mastered (ahem) step one.  Or so I thought.  When you are facing active addiction, knowing what I'd learned about how the drug takes over, it was a little easier to realize that my life was unmanageable and that I had no control.  It did take some time to see all of the subtle, underlying ways we try to control, but, I had finally taken my hands off.

Now, my son seems to be doing really really good, and, I blow it.  He is working a great job, with regular drug screenings, he's totally responsible for getting up at an early hour to get to work.  He is paying bills, helping out with bills at home, buying tools for work and just exceeding any expectation that I might have had, this time last year.  And, what did I do?  I start panicking at any little thing because now I fear him losing this wonderful life changing experience. 

So, last night, I question him about drinking and drug use.....He was furious.  I am sick.  I hate addiction.  I hate this looming cloud of worry I carry around with me.  I hate that it makes me not trust him anymore, when all signs look so promising. 

Bottom line, I can't control if he falls again and loses this great opportunity.  So, why do I keep trying?  I feel like a pissed off 4 year old who doesn't get why he can't have the ice cream.  Why do I have to deal with this?  I want worry free beach days.  There are days where if it's not financial concerns, it's health concerns or addiction.  My mind is sick and tired from worry.

Last night, I had a serious stomach issue.  It was so miserable.  I couldn't find comfort.  So, I started to pray a rosary......and I woke up not knowing where I finished.  My stomach still isn't perfect, but, I found rest and comfort.  So today, I will pray a rosary with my intention being that God will help me to release this worry and give control back to him, where it rightfully belongs.  I also say a prayer of Thanksgiving for my son's progress.  I say a prayer of Thanksgiving for my son's opportunity (which was a gift greater than I could have imagined) and I say a prayer for Henry.

No comments: