Pushing control on others suggests that I think that my way is the best or only way. It suggests that I think that I am superior. I find myself, like a dog with a bone, unwilling to let go of my way of doing business. Controlling behavior has been described as fearful behavior. But, it still suggests that because I am fearful, I only trust my way of doing things. This seems terribly wrong once you really think about it. But, to the public at large, it might seem as though the mother of an addict, knowing his previous behavior, is being a selfless person.
In the twelve step program, we learn that we are as sick as the addict as we have stopped living our own lives and decided we can "fix" the lives of others (also very egotistical). We are taught to detach from the addicts behavior so that we can figure out who we are and what God's will is for us and try to live that life. This idea to many of us seems very selfish in the beginning, especially those of us who are mothers.
It seems to me that when I think I'm being selfless, by focusing on the problems of my family, I might just be selfish. And, when I think I'm being selfish, I'm really focusing in a way that takes care of myself and my family in the way God intended.
Could I have distorted this because of what others think? I think probably so. I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for this insight. I am thankful for progress in this journey. I ask for help in using this new knowledge. I pray that God helps me to do ONLY what he wants without worrying about what others think (pride) and I say a prayer for Henry.
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