Trying to Control God....

I've been feeling that fear creeping back into my life again.  This always means that I am trying to control again.  Usually, I take my fears to prayer and I find such comfort.  The thing that I found myself doing in prayer that brought me no relief was telling God what I wanted, and how I wanted it!h

Now I am praying, "heal my son".  I am leaving it to God. Now I am finding relief again.  I wonder why I feel that I know what is best?  I am guessing that this will be a cross for me to bear.  I was put on this earth to follow the will of God.   I need to remember this, everyday. 

Today I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for this insight.  I pray that God will help me to continue to let go and trust. I must have faith.  I must live MY life. I must keep detaching from his.  I pray for all of you who might struggle with this very issue and I say a prayer, as always, for Henry.

I Don't Want to be a Member......

I am a member of Al Anon.  I love the peace that this program brings.  And, I love the ladies who bring understanding and comfort to me.  Our fearless leader (even though she wouldn't call herself a leader) is this walking body of calm and insight.  I just love her.  She is tapped in to God directly, I am sure.  She radiates this peaceful feeling that we can all make it and make it joyfully. 

I agreed to take over as treasurer because our leader looked at me with that kind look which asked me to without her ever saying a word.  So, I did it.  This required me going to the bank and taking off the name of one person and adding my name.  The name we took off was the name of a mom whose daughter, an addict, took her own life.  Her mom has not been able to come back.  The lady who was there is the mother of a 42 yr old addict.  Last night, my son came home, obviously drunk, even though he loves his job.  That defines addiction.  No matter how much you care about anything else, the addiction comes first.

I had 3 Cesarean sections.  The first time was hard but it was a new experience.  The second and third times, I had such a dread of the pain to come.  I knew the pain and knew I had to walk through it, but the end result was a good one.  I know the pain that I'm about to walk through and I dread it.  I hope and pray that there is a good outcome at the end. 

I am sick to think that I am the part of a group that has so much hurt brought to it's members.  I love them, but I don't want to be here.  I'm tired.  I am sick and tired.  I want a break.  So, this is another place where I must pray, give me the strength;  show me the way....

Today I am thankful that I have these lovely ladies and all of their wisdom.  I pray for their continued strength.  I ask for guidance and strength.  I pray for my son to want help, from God.  I pray for him to be able to see what this is doing to him before it goes bad again.  I pray for all of you that follow and that I follow.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Me Me Me.....

Pushing control on others suggests that I think that my way is the best or only way.  It suggests that I think that I am superior.  I find myself, like a dog with a bone, unwilling to let go of my way of doing business.  Controlling behavior has been described as fearful behavior.  But, it still suggests that because I am fearful, I only trust my way of doing things.  This seems terribly wrong once you really think about it.  But, to the public at large, it might seem as though the mother of an addict, knowing his previous behavior, is being a selfless person.

In the twelve step program, we learn that we are as sick as the addict as we have stopped living our own lives and decided we can "fix" the lives of others (also very egotistical).  We are taught to detach from the addicts behavior so that we can figure out who we are and what God's will is for us and try to live that life. This idea to many of us seems very selfish in the beginning, especially those of us who are mothers. 

It seems to me that when I think I'm being selfless, by focusing on the problems of my family, I might just be selfish.  And, when I think I'm being selfish, I'm really focusing in a way that takes care of myself and my family in the way God intended. 

Could I have distorted this because of what others think?  I think probably so.   I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for this insight.  I am thankful for progress in this journey.  I ask for help in using this new knowledge.  I pray that God helps me to do ONLY what he wants without worrying about what others think (pride) and I say a prayer for Henry.

A New Look at the Steps in a New Stage of Recovery...

I had done it.  I had finally mastered (ahem) step one.  Or so I thought.  When you are facing active addiction, knowing what I'd learned about how the drug takes over, it was a little easier to realize that my life was unmanageable and that I had no control.  It did take some time to see all of the subtle, underlying ways we try to control, but, I had finally taken my hands off.

Now, my son seems to be doing really really good, and, I blow it.  He is working a great job, with regular drug screenings, he's totally responsible for getting up at an early hour to get to work.  He is paying bills, helping out with bills at home, buying tools for work and just exceeding any expectation that I might have had, this time last year.  And, what did I do?  I start panicking at any little thing because now I fear him losing this wonderful life changing experience. 

So, last night, I question him about drinking and drug use.....He was furious.  I am sick.  I hate addiction.  I hate this looming cloud of worry I carry around with me.  I hate that it makes me not trust him anymore, when all signs look so promising. 

Bottom line, I can't control if he falls again and loses this great opportunity.  So, why do I keep trying?  I feel like a pissed off 4 year old who doesn't get why he can't have the ice cream.  Why do I have to deal with this?  I want worry free beach days.  There are days where if it's not financial concerns, it's health concerns or addiction.  My mind is sick and tired from worry.

Last night, I had a serious stomach issue.  It was so miserable.  I couldn't find comfort.  So, I started to pray a rosary......and I woke up not knowing where I finished.  My stomach still isn't perfect, but, I found rest and comfort.  So today, I will pray a rosary with my intention being that God will help me to release this worry and give control back to him, where it rightfully belongs.  I also say a prayer of Thanksgiving for my son's progress.  I say a prayer of Thanksgiving for my son's opportunity (which was a gift greater than I could have imagined) and I say a prayer for Henry.

Closet Cleaning

When you learn of a loved one's addiction, and you are able to get them help, you feel as though you've done all of the hard work.  And, while the immediate danger has been addressed, there is a myriad of reasons why you have arrived at this place and why you are living in this place.

 For me, this is like closet cleaning.  If my house is ever to get in any sort of order, my closets need to be cleaned.  This is so that things have a place to be put away, thus giving my house less clutter.  So, now that we've addressed (finally) the disease of addiction, we must deal with the environment in which it grew and was sustained.

We are pulling all of those toxic behaviors and lifestyles out of the closet, sorting them from the good habits that we'd like to keep and put neatly back in the closet.  But, the house is a mess, until the sorting and rearranging are complete.

My son....oh my son....I am so proud of him.  He is working so hard at this job/apprenticeship.  He loves it.  He feels worthy and needed.  We need to hang on to those things.  He is beginning to feel pride in himself again.  We must keep that.  He is starting to want to visit with extended family now that he has something to share with them.  That is a valuable treasure to keep.  These things make him want to keep getting up, on his own, at 3:30am to get ready for this job.  I think this new sense of responsibility makes him feel better each day about the man he is becoming.

Now, we must rid the closet of the rubbish.  Half of that task is figuring out what is trash vs what is treasure.  When I am literally cleaning a closet I have a rule of thumb; if I haven't used it in 1-2 yrs it goes.  So, a rule of thumb for this closet has to be; does it help bring my family member to the will of God?  If not, it goes.  Pride was the first thing to go.  Viewing life from the vantage point of the world...must go.  Love....really loving on every level must stay and be fostered.  Status...get out!! 

My house is a mess as we go through this difficult process; but I think it is progress.  Right now, I feel like I suffer from battle fatigue.  I am so tired.  I know things are getting better but I just dream about a little instant relief.  It doesn't work that way though. 

When I look back on what I just wrote, I feel guilt.  One year ago today, my life was spiraling out of control.  So, I will hold that picture in my mind.  Today I am thankful...so thankful for my son's new found hope.  I am thankful that we are almost a year into cleaning things up.  I pray for strength and perseverance for this journey.  I pray for all of you who are traveling this journey alongside me.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.