Monday, May 30, 2011


When we started dealing with addiction, we started to really learn about authenticity.....truth.  Truth mattered like never before.  Truth about who my son is, who I am, why I'm here, what God expects of us, why we find ourselves in this place, what we've done wrong etc.  Truth isn't just about if I answer someone honestly.  Truth isn't just about telling my son the hard things.  Truth is layered and layered in our lives.  If I don't know who I really am....who God created me to be; how can I possibly know how I feel about things, what things matter to me? 

One element of truth that I struggle with now is when I have a concern that comes from a feeling and not evidence, I am afraid of bringing up my concern because I don't want to constantly doubt my son and I want so desperately to trust him again, but the truth is....I'm still afraid.

My son has made me so proud lately.  I should be shouting it to the rooftops and I won't yet....because of fear.  Because addiction takes a long time to heal from. 

Then, there's my son.  Addicts lie.  I've heard it over and over and over again.  Even recovering addicts are so programmed to lie from their previous need to use, that it is a hard habit to break.  Sometimes, now I can see him, visibly catch himself and tell me the truth...something usually that he thinks I might not like to hear.  This is a baby step.  But, a counselor told my husband that it takes about two years for the lying to stop.  So, for another year and two months, I am afraid. 

Honestly, I will probably always carry some level of fear around.  Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life."  In my endeavor to learn who Jesus is and how he chose to live while on this earth, maybe I will be given insight into all matters of truth.  I have so much to learn. 

I love a good mystery and sometimes the parables are great mysteries to me.  Let's face it, I don't remember a parable about dealing with an addict in the Bible.  I'm sure a better scholar then myself will point it out for me.  But, today, I am struggling with truth.  Because when I am afraid, my need to know is based on MY fear and not because I am the truth police and it is my noble job to enforce. 

So, advice, anyone?  I need help and insight.  I need a reminder of what and how to be.  I need a rule of thumb, a guide.  I need help.  And, I pray for it daily.  Today, I am thankful for the progress my son has made so far.  I am thankful for our new painful changes.  I also pray for the patience to deal with those new painful changes.  I pray for wisdom and truthful understanding.  I pray for this country to wake up and sense the need to pay closer attention to this disease.  I pray for God's will and as always, a prayer for Henry.

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