Still Wanting my Mama.....

      November 1, will mark fifteen years since my mother died.  The onset of autumn always takes me back fifteen years to the sights and smells reminding me of those last moments with her.  They were both painful and joyful as life tends to be.  I was thirty-four years old and my children were very young.  As she was dying, we all (she had 6 children) took turns helping with her care.  I was two hours away so I came on the weekends.
     Those weekends were a time to sit in quiet with the windows open, smelling the fresh scents that signified the beginning of  death to a season of growth.  The symmetry was not lost on us.  It reminded us to finish things that needed finishing, say what needed to be said, touch as long as we could and say thanks to the one who cared so much for all of us.
     Autumn seems a little quieter somehow.  Perhaps it is because each voice, claimed by death, one by one, until the silence of winter arrives.  This quiet allows me to ponder much.  If she could come back for just a day or even an hour, I would have a lot to say.

     "Mama, I've missed you so much.  I know now, just how much you loved me.  I just never appreciated that as I should have.  I'm so sorry.  I feel like my life is in such a mess.  I'm working as hard as I can to do what is right.  But, I'm a little lost.  I miss you telling me that the tough times will pass.  Sometimes I remember how convinced you were that each of the six of us was absolutely the best or brightest at some particular thing and while I thought you were silly at the time, I miss someone having that kind of faith in me.  I miss having someone who I trust so utterly and completely. 
     I remember how you stood up for my kids.  You were a fabulous Grandmother.  If the Son was messy you reminded me what a good heart he had.  If the girls were fussing and cranky, you reminded me what a gift they would be as they got older.  According to you, they were the smartest, most beautiful children ever.....and you were right.  You were such safety and in this crazy mixed up world, I mourn the loss of that. 
     We're fighting an awful fight now and I need you.  I need your love to combat the evil that tries to take my boy and hurts the girls so in the process.  I need your prayers......I need your strength.  I sure would like to still have my Mama around." 
    
     I guess it's good that I can't have her for an hour or a day.  Because it would be so devastating to let her go again.  I am a little sad today.  The cool air is a little reminder of what was.  The hard times always make us run to Mama....
     Today, I will imagine her here with me.  I will open my windows and conjure up her peaceful nature and calm voice and bask in it as I pray for my Henry and yours.
   
    
    

Inheritance Lost

    My life has changed so much in the last three years.  I read all of these posts in our blogging community and a few things seem to jump out.  First of all, most of us, have lived with addiction or dysfunction even before now, with the one that brought us to our knees Secondly, once we become aware through the twelve steps or therapy or even a bit of rehab, we start digging into new and healthier ways of being. And, that work seems to eventually head backwards to the source of a lot of problems.
     The Dad and I have been doing marriage counseling for about two years.  We go to meetings (he more than me, I must confess) and for the most part, we have finally reached a place of safety where we can talk about things that might have been too frightening to talk about in the past. 
     This morning I had a phone conversation with Big Sister.  She tends to take on too much at school and she made the comment, "I don't know how to have healthy boundaries because of you guys."  Ouch!  That was true and pointed directly at me.  I used to take on more than I wanted, trying to seek approval.  I was always worried about what others thought of me.  It meant that I was okay, after all.
     The Dad and Granddad have also been having a tough time getting along.  Granddad doesn't really appreciate the fact that the Dad is learning to take up for himself.  Granddad is in his eighties and not very healthy.  His choices don't really protect him and so when we try, our efforts are met with his old ways of controlling.  Since we see with new eyes, it is a little startling to realize that we have put up with this for so long.
     A relative lost her son recently.  He was a drug addict.  It stoked the fires of fear and I became depressed and a little crazy.  The Son picked up on it.  I had to tell him why I was so out of sorts and his response was this, "Mom, I don't mean to sound nasty and I have no right to say this, because I've given you a million reasons to be afraid, but maybe you should just learn to deal with your own business."  I had to stop myself and think about his statement.  Was he trying to manipulate?  No, that was irrelevant.  He was right, I needed to look at why I was responding the way that I did and deal with my fear instead of behaving the way I did.  Was my behavior manipulative?  Maybe....
     I'm going have to find the courage to deal with my business and so is the Dad.  Because we've talked about it and our hope and our goal is for the dysfunction to stop here.  It won't be easy.  We will have to look very closely at ourselves.  We will have to ask ourselves the hard questions.  We will have to expect to meet a lot of resistance from Granddad. And, we will have to challenge our thinking on everything that we do.  It will be so important to be really present with our thoughts.
     I guess the buck stops here.  That will be our legacy.  Perhaps it will make up for so many of the mistakes that we have made thus far. 
     I am always inspired by you guys in the blogging community.  But, when I go into public and listen to people talk, I see how great my friends in recovery really are. 
     Saying prayers for you and your addicted loved ones.

The Judgement Seat

The Dad and I went to California on vacation.  There is nothing like the beach and poor cell signals to help you unplug and finally relax.  We had a much needed time to reconnect. 
     Our flight is close to four hours long and we always end up chatting with the passenger who occupies the third seat in our row, after all they practically sit in your lap for that length of time.  This time was no exception.  AL Anon and this addiction journey have really made me introspective.  I hear things differently now.
     The man who sat with us wore Levis, a crisp shirt and bow tie and a navy blazer.  He wore tortoise shell glasses which seemed to be a natural extension of his graying hair.  I asked about his trip and his job.  He did the same.  Those conversations naturally led to our families.  And some how, it always seems to end up with a discussion about addiction.
     Mr. Bow Tie was a Yale philosophy graduate.  And so when he said that his son was not really motivated in school but that he didn't do drugs or anything like that.....I knew that I would tell my story.  That might seem counter intuitive to some but for me, it was important to be nakedly honest.  I hate the stigma of addiction and so I'm not going to cower in it's presence.  Maybe that's wrong.  I don't know.
     Our talks continued.  His dad was a raging alcoholic.  There were definitely some scars there.  He also had a wife back home and a daughter who was a freshman in college.  He was meeting a college friend before his business meeting. 
     We talked a lot about addiction.  It seemed to interest him.  But when we got off the plane, he was arm in arm with the college friend.....in a romantic embrace.  I was instantly irritated.  Who is he to turn his nose up at someone who suffers from addiction?  And then I realized, who am I to turn my nose up at his issues?  I am the pot......
     Sometimes I am a slow learner.  I think we are all a mess.  We just have to have to courage to look within, the courage to accept it and the courage to change.  Not such an easy task.  But, I'll keep trying.
In prayer for all of you and for our addicted loved ones.  And, most especially for Michael's family who lost him this week.

Moral Reconation Therapy

Last year I helped take an AlAnon meeting to our county jail.  This year I wanted to do something a little different, so I asked if I could facilitate a writing class.  The Homeward Bound coordinator said sure but he needed some other classes covered and asked if I was willing.

The class that he asked me to teach is called "How to Escape Your Prison".  It is a moral reconation therapy program.  I had never heard of it before and felt a bit intimidated taking on such a class without training.  But, here I am....muddling through.  I must say, I've learned so much already.  I just hope that I can teach it in a way that will be fruitfull. 

I am constantly surprised by the places I learn the most.  These are places that I never really wanted to go and yet now I look forward to being in Al Anon or hearing an open AA speaker meeting.  I can't wait till Thursday's at the jail. 

There is truth and life in those places.  I am so fortunate to have been brought to this place.  If any of you know about moral reconation therapy and have any advice for how to facilitate such a program, I am all ears.

Saying prayers for all of our addicted loved ones.....

You Just Never Know

     A friend lost her adult son in a car accident this week.  He was a wonderful, loving, responsible young man.  He was hit head on by a semi truck because he was going the wrong way on the interstate.  No drugs or alcohol were involved.  He was probably overtired because of the number of hours he had worked. 
     This tragedy was so unexpected that it has rocked our parish and community.  In my world, this would be one of three possible outcomes for my son.  The idea of losing a son has been fretted and worried over in mental preparation for something that can't be mentally prepared for.  I've tried negotiating with God in an effort to save my son.  I've done a lot of work to accept the fact that he is only mine for a while and God could ask for his return at any given moment.
     But, this friend has the most beautiful faith that I've ever witnessed.  Our mutual friend went to offer comfort and prayers and as she was leaving, this beautiful boy's mother said, "Heaven must be thrilled to have gained such a wonderful soul as that of my baby......and I keep hoping it's a mistake."
I was humbled by her strength and grace. 
     You just never know.  We just never know.  If only I could learn to live each day....each minute as it was intended and learn to live in anticipation of God's next move instead of placing ignorant expectation upon it......
     Today I offer a prayer for the soul of Rick.  I pray for strength and comfort of his family.  I pray for each family out there who waits for the other shoe to drop.  I pray for our addicted loved ones and for Henry.
    
 

Catching Up....

We've moved!  And, boy am I sore and tired.  But, I am so very thankful to be in a new home.  We started the process of selling the old, moving to an apartment, buying new almost three years ago and while I still have to shampoo the carpets at the apartment, mop the tile floors and unload what's left of our storage unit, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Our girls are moving to a new apartment this Saturday.  The old one was well....old, without a washer/dryer hook up.  The new one is in a better area and has not only a hookup but the washer and dryer too!

The Son is still in his apartment.  He has continued to pay his own rent and utilities.  And he went back to his apprenticeship program to see if they would let him back in.  He is waiting for their answer.

I went with the Dad to a speaker meeting the other night.  I listened to a man that is in my Al Anon group who is a "double dipper" as they say.  He struggled with his own issues with drugs and alcohol for years and now comes to Al Anon because of both parents and a daughter.

He described the process of coming to accept his powerlessness over drugs and alcohol.  It reminded me of how I am many times in regard to food.  He decided that as long as he gave up this substance or only used on weekends, it would be alright.  His talk really made me understand why so many must relapse time and again before finally coming to that place of surrender.

I'm thankful for the men and women who get up there and tell their stories.  They help me so much to understand the battles of the addict and alcoholic.  Understanding helps me to back off and allow things to happen naturally.

I'm entering a writing contest.  I've never done that before but I'm very excited to put a little piece out there and see if anything comes of it.  It is time to try all of those things that I wanted to try before I am too old!!  I'm also teaching not one but two classes at the jail this fall.  I'm very excited.

Just a catch up.  Still praying for Henry and all of our loved ones who struggle......

Everyone Has a Story....

Henry  was my fraternal grandfather.  He was a raging alcoholic who died in his recliner with a bottle resting on the floor beside him.  His disease affected all of the members of the family.  My dad was unable to get an education because my grandfather provided for his drinking habit instead of his family.  Henry was a great source of embarrassment for my dad.  In the 1940's they didn't talk much about alcoholism.  They probably hadn't studied the family disease concept.

In the 1980's I was in high school.  My oldest brother is seventeen years older than me.  He was my favorite.  His wife is now a recovering alcoholic but during that time she was an actively drinking.  I remember saying to others that my sister in law was an alcoholic and my brother's drug of choice was her.  At the time I didn't know the term codependency or understand it but I knew what it looked like.  I was so angry with him for such a long time.  I could not understand why he didn't get it and just get out. 

My sister's husband is a recovering alcoholic.  He has been sober for a very long time now but before he had his spiritual awakening, my sister did what many of us do early on....she became a bit of a lunatic pouring out beer, throwing out his supper.....locking the door.  They have a son who is a recovering addict which only ratchets up the insanity to new levels.

It was easy for me to judge others in those days.  I was perfect you see.  I knew what not to do.  Those kinds of things would never happen in my life because I would not be that stupid.

Dr. Phil says that what you fear, you create.  I guess he's right.  I remember going to my very first AlAnon meeting.  My son was in rehab and there were two ladies there from our small town.  One lady went to my church and just a few weeks earlier her husband had blacked out right there in the pew and the Hubby helped to get him outside and call for an ambulance that he later refused.  The other lady had some mental issues from a childhood trauma.  In small towns we know a lot about our members....at least we know enough to label them.

When I saw these two ladies at the meeting, I thought to myself, "oh my goodness, I am in trouble here...I need professionals and look who is here."  That was a long time ago....it feels like it anyway.  I am a bit ashamed of that judgmental girl.

But, life has it's way of taking care of most things.  I've had a slice or two of humble pie.  And, quite frankly, I am thankful that I have.  I am a much happier and healthier person now.  The best advice that I got from Al Anon was to mind my own business.  I learned that what others have going on is not my affair.  I was a bit shocked to learn that maybe I was sticking my nose into all of their problems to avoid my own.   It is true.  I do seem to have enough to keep me busy right here in my own back yard. 

And, who am I to judge the choices of others in their journey?  What do I know about Henry?  Well very little.  But my brother who stayed with my sister in law.....I guess we have a lot in common.  My sister in law grew up with an alcoholic mother and her parents divorced.  I never had to deal with either of those things.  I can't judge her.

My sister got married at eighteen years old and had a baby at nineteen.  I can NOT imagine that and the fact that she has hung in there worked her whole adult life, raised two kids and respected her marriage commitment is quite commendable.  My brother in law lost his mother to cancer at a very young age and then watched his father drink in an effort to cope with the loss of his wife.  Today I am humbled by these two. I think the saying about it's not where you are but from where you've come certainly applies to those two. 

The one lady from Al Anon whose husband passed out.....the one who I thought was clueless...she has started more AlAnon groups than anyone I know.  She volunteers at the local jails and is leaps and bounds ahead of all of the "perfect" families that I know.

The lady that was traumatized as a child....Her father slit her throat as a child and left her to die.  She always has a hug for me and asks about my son.  She always has something wise for us to hear. 

Everyone has a story.  Everyone.  This journey has taught me to start to look at souls and to ignore the packages they come in.  They are only an indication of how difficult the journey for them has been. 

I wish that I knew Henry's story.  Instead, I will pray for his soul and for those of all of our addicted loved ones.