Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Inheritance Lost

    My life has changed so much in the last three years.  I read all of these posts in our blogging community and a few things seem to jump out.  First of all, most of us, have lived with addiction or dysfunction even before now, with the one that brought us to our knees Secondly, once we become aware through the twelve steps or therapy or even a bit of rehab, we start digging into new and healthier ways of being. And, that work seems to eventually head backwards to the source of a lot of problems.
     The Dad and I have been doing marriage counseling for about two years.  We go to meetings (he more than me, I must confess) and for the most part, we have finally reached a place of safety where we can talk about things that might have been too frightening to talk about in the past. 
     This morning I had a phone conversation with Big Sister.  She tends to take on too much at school and she made the comment, "I don't know how to have healthy boundaries because of you guys."  Ouch!  That was true and pointed directly at me.  I used to take on more than I wanted, trying to seek approval.  I was always worried about what others thought of me.  It meant that I was okay, after all.
     The Dad and Granddad have also been having a tough time getting along.  Granddad doesn't really appreciate the fact that the Dad is learning to take up for himself.  Granddad is in his eighties and not very healthy.  His choices don't really protect him and so when we try, our efforts are met with his old ways of controlling.  Since we see with new eyes, it is a little startling to realize that we have put up with this for so long.
     A relative lost her son recently.  He was a drug addict.  It stoked the fires of fear and I became depressed and a little crazy.  The Son picked up on it.  I had to tell him why I was so out of sorts and his response was this, "Mom, I don't mean to sound nasty and I have no right to say this, because I've given you a million reasons to be afraid, but maybe you should just learn to deal with your own business."  I had to stop myself and think about his statement.  Was he trying to manipulate?  No, that was irrelevant.  He was right, I needed to look at why I was responding the way that I did and deal with my fear instead of behaving the way I did.  Was my behavior manipulative?  Maybe....
     I'm going have to find the courage to deal with my business and so is the Dad.  Because we've talked about it and our hope and our goal is for the dysfunction to stop here.  It won't be easy.  We will have to look very closely at ourselves.  We will have to ask ourselves the hard questions.  We will have to expect to meet a lot of resistance from Granddad. And, we will have to challenge our thinking on everything that we do.  It will be so important to be really present with our thoughts.
     I guess the buck stops here.  That will be our legacy.  Perhaps it will make up for so many of the mistakes that we have made thus far. 
     I am always inspired by you guys in the blogging community.  But, when I go into public and listen to people talk, I see how great my friends in recovery really are. 
     Saying prayers for you and your addicted loved ones.

1 comment:

Annette said...

Hattie, thank you so much for your comment on my blog. You are right...we have changed so much over the years. Working programs, counseling, learning new ways to live and handle dysfunction...I don't think its an accident that all of this has come up *after* 8 years of working an Alanon program. lol

Your son is so right....I thought that about my adult kids recently at the wedding. What they do is none of my business. It was much easier said than done, in that particular situation....but at least it was a fleeting thought! Years back it wouldn't have even entered my mind! LOL