Monday, September 30, 2013

Still Wanting my Mama.....

      November 1, will mark fifteen years since my mother died.  The onset of autumn always takes me back fifteen years to the sights and smells reminding me of those last moments with her.  They were both painful and joyful as life tends to be.  I was thirty-four years old and my children were very young.  As she was dying, we all (she had 6 children) took turns helping with her care.  I was two hours away so I came on the weekends.
     Those weekends were a time to sit in quiet with the windows open, smelling the fresh scents that signified the beginning of  death to a season of growth.  The symmetry was not lost on us.  It reminded us to finish things that needed finishing, say what needed to be said, touch as long as we could and say thanks to the one who cared so much for all of us.
     Autumn seems a little quieter somehow.  Perhaps it is because each voice, claimed by death, one by one, until the silence of winter arrives.  This quiet allows me to ponder much.  If she could come back for just a day or even an hour, I would have a lot to say.

     "Mama, I've missed you so much.  I know now, just how much you loved me.  I just never appreciated that as I should have.  I'm so sorry.  I feel like my life is in such a mess.  I'm working as hard as I can to do what is right.  But, I'm a little lost.  I miss you telling me that the tough times will pass.  Sometimes I remember how convinced you were that each of the six of us was absolutely the best or brightest at some particular thing and while I thought you were silly at the time, I miss someone having that kind of faith in me.  I miss having someone who I trust so utterly and completely. 
     I remember how you stood up for my kids.  You were a fabulous Grandmother.  If the Son was messy you reminded me what a good heart he had.  If the girls were fussing and cranky, you reminded me what a gift they would be as they got older.  According to you, they were the smartest, most beautiful children ever.....and you were right.  You were such safety and in this crazy mixed up world, I mourn the loss of that. 
     We're fighting an awful fight now and I need you.  I need your love to combat the evil that tries to take my boy and hurts the girls so in the process.  I need your prayers......I need your strength.  I sure would like to still have my Mama around." 
     I guess it's good that I can't have her for an hour or a day.  Because it would be so devastating to let her go again.  I am a little sad today.  The cool air is a little reminder of what was.  The hard times always make us run to Mama....
     Today, I will imagine her here with me.  I will open my windows and conjure up her peaceful nature and calm voice and bask in it as I pray for my Henry and yours.

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