Just How Much Do you Say?

My cousin and I took a knitting class.  In three short classes we were supposed to knit a hat.  We did not accomplish our goal.  But, we are both okay with our lack of drive to be at the head of our class.  We had great fun.  And, we will keep trying. 

On the day of the last class, we both dreaded going because we had neither one progressed very far.  "I thought about skipping today."  She whispered.

"Me too....let's skip."  I said, relieved.  Ever the dutiful one, she said  "No, we need to finish." 

So, we went.  With great trepidation, I pulled my sad little piece out of my bag.  Eyes rising from the ground carefully surveying the little group to see who was looking.  Cousin, my noble defender, said "She's writing a book and she doesn't have time to practice.  She's only here for me."

I know what is coming next.  She hasn't thought that far ahead.  She is proud of me and it really is a gift when you have someone in your corner. 

All eyes, in unison, focus on me.  How much to say? I've been with them for a few weeks now.  They all seem very nice.  I'll probably never see them again.  It doesn't bother me.  But, my goal has always been to do no harm.  "My son's drinking and drug use are a problem for me and I write about what I've learned while living in the midst of it."  I blurt out in one breath as if the faster I say it, the less it will hurt.

The older lady at the end of the table says, "My husband has thirty-two years sobriety.  He volunteers at the Rehab center in our area helping young men with fifth step work.  Do you go to Al Anon?"

"Yes ma'am."  I say, grateful.

The instructor says, "I don't have anyone in my family, but a good friend does.  I understand."

The quiet little lady next to me says, "I have three brothers who are alcoholics.  Two are living sober and the other one is living with a dual diagnosis.  I know what you are going through."

Oh my goodness.  I was so surprised. 
Something changed.  We shared something.  We now understood one another.  The class changed.

I don't ever know how much to say.  One lady in my Al Anon group says that anonymity doesn't mean secret.  It was also pointed out that "we" as used in the steps means that it doesn't mean for us to remain alone.  But, I do respect the stories of others as their private stories. 

In writing my book, I have prayed for the wisdom to know if I am doing this because I feel called or if I am doing it for me and my pride.  I have walked away many times.  But, I really want to share as a mother so that other mothers might not feel alone. 

I watched the documentary "The Anonymous People" on Netflix.  It was very interesting.  If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so.  Now, I'd like to know your experience, strength and hope with regards to anonymity.  There is always more to be considered and learned.

Praying for you and your loved ones.



 

Contemplation

I turned fifty on Tuesday.  I've been thinking about this new decade with hope.  Ever since I turned forty-nine my focus has been on fifty.  You could argue that I'm not really living in the present....and be right.  But, for me I need to look back and examine so that I can look forward with clarity and possibly understand what it is that I really want out of what's left of this life.

In the early days of dealing with my son's addiction, I held on to the past (i.e. what I did and didn't do) with a death grip.  I'm not sure why.  I guess I wanted to know why he was an addict.  I figured if I knew why then I could fix it. 

I've been on a long search trying to understand.  "I've been to at least one hundred thousand Al Anon meetings", as Father Tom Weston SJ would say.  I've been to many Saturday night open AA speaker meetings.  I've taken some weekend Ignatian retreats to better understand the Spiritual Exercises.  I volunteer at the jail in the Homeward Bound program.  And, I've bought many books.  If I laid down all of the books that I've bought in the last few years and put them end to end they would extend from my home in Tennessee to........Never mind......that is probably not information that the Dad or I want to look at too closely.

I've been looking for truth.  Like the apostle Thomas, I am looking for direction.  "I am the way and the truth and the life." Jesus said in John 14 :6.  When my Son went to his second stint in rehab the counselor met with us on family weekend.  "He's really honest.  But, he's not very truthful."  He said.

What a strange thing to say. The Dad and I looked at one another puzzled.  This counselor, this recovering addict would teach us a lot about life.  I was asked to teach a class in the jail called Moral Reconation Therapy.    I didn't really want to teach the class.  I didn't even know what the word reconation meant.  The class taught me and the students to stop making decisions based on pleasure or pain and to start making decisions on moral reasoning or right and wrong. 

Truth is what is real.  Period.  Honesty, simply put, is our perception of truth.  Growing up, if you hear that you are lazy enough, it becomes what you believe about yourself.  But, is it truth? 

I write in an effort to mine for truth.  I look back at my family looking for what is real...not what I've always heard.  There is a lot of alcoholism and addiction in my family.  What does that mean?  What does that say about me?  Does that mean that my son is doomed to live his life out in active addiction?

I've learned so much.  I am really no different than the alcoholic or addict.  At the root of it all, we all feel uncomfortable with who we are or what we think that we are.  We've been listening to those voices whether from within or without telling us that we are not enough. 

Those voices that say, "You should be ashamed of yourself."

Those voices saying, "It's your fault."

Those voices that tell you to be afraid.....every waking moment of every day.

The difference between them and me......I can have a drink and think, "no I'd rather save those calories for chocolate."  They can't.  I have diabetes and when my blood sugar drops, my hands shake and I start sweating and my body aches for sugar.  I told my endocrinologist, " I think my drug of choice is sugar."  He said, "Yes, diabetes acts very much like addiction.  You get low and crave sugar.  You eat the sugar and you feel sick again and it starts over and over again.  You can't live with it and you can't live without it.

I get that analogy.  My son has a disease just as my ancestors have.  Disease is hard to live with, no matter what the disease.  Disease, regardless of the kind  affects the whole family.  But, with addiction, nobody wants to talk about it. 

I do.

I want to respect the privacy of my son.  But, I will not let fear or shame keep me sick.  I'm not ashamed of the addict or alcoholic.  I hope one day they will find their way past fear and shame. 



But, until then, I will pray. 

For them. 
For you. 
And for Henry. 



 

Looking for Hope....

It's been a while since I've been on here.  I've spent a lot of time lately with friends and family and it has been a blessing.  I went to my hometown for a brunch and reception for two different nephews who have or are getting married.  This trip back was a reminder of a lot of the pain of my growing up years and the problems that addiction brought into my life during those years. 

I get nervous seeing those bad feelings.  It makes me fear that I will never be able to escape the pain of this disease.  Couple that uneasiness with the fact that I keep reading about more deaths from overdose and I feel weary. 

I am blessed.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I am realizing that I'm eating less healthy.  I'm spending less time in prayer and meditation.  Perhaps that is the direction that I need to focus my attention on. 

There is a blog that I used to read that used to really help ground my thinking.  It is inactive now but I thought about it and went there for a visit.  The last post has a top ten list that you can go here to read.  I found so much truth in it that I thought I'd mention it.  Just trying to keep praying......

Happy Monday

I am thankful that the last couple of weeks have passed.  There was a undercurrent of anxiety and stress that seemed to run the show.  The biggest problem was that despite the fact that the Dad and I had come up with some very clear boundaries for the Son, the Dad suddenly needed to change them and didn't really bother to consult me.  I was furious.  Anger is my go to emotion.  It's like there is no pause available after my brain registers that I have been wronged.  There is an instantaneous explosion of anger.  Then, I get a little down and depressed.  Then I work out the emotions that I am feeling.

Eventually, after much prayer for my enemy (the Dad), I was able to see that he is in a different place than I am.  I was able to recognize that since he had not been the kind of Dad that he wanted to be early on, this is something that he needs to do now.  But, I was also able to say, "Look, I can't really watch it anymore so he needs to live in his own space."  The Dad actually thanked me for letting him do his own thing.  Seems so simple now.  But, communication has never been key in our relationship.  Hopefully that will change.

This week is supposed to be glorious.  Last week the weather was as dreary and turbulent as the mood in our home.  Today's high is around seventy-three and sunny....glorious sunshine!  I watched the movie the Joneses on Netflix.  It was really interesting.  I expected only fluff but there was something there which was a nice surprise.

Saturday the Dad and I went to see the C.S. Lewis play the Great Divorce.  It was so good.  It could easily be argued that as he fought with the idea of giving up lust that he could easily interchange that with addiction.  It was very thought provoking.  After the matinee we had dinner and went to a open speaker meeting.  The weekend ended on a good note. 

Today is my Weight Watchers weigh in after a very stressful and not so vigilant week, so we will see.  I'm still not giving up.  That is the variable that has changed this time around.  I think Al Anon has helped change my perception about failure. 

It's been a productive Monday, thus far, so I'd better head off and finish my list.  You can always count on prayers for each of you being on that list.  Hope your week is good.

Peace for the Day

Wednesday was tea party day at the jail.  Every "semester" of the Homeward Bound program we have a tea party for the ladies in the program.  This tea party is the work of one older lady who volunteers there teaching job readiness...crocheting...crafting all the while she is loving the stuffing out of each and every inmate.  Her name is Louise but she is affectionately called Weesie. 

Every tea party honors someone as well as the girls.  This time they honored the program coordinator.  One of the inmates painted a picture of hands holding the earth with chains broken and falling from those hands.  Mrs. Weesie brought in a cd of the song "Break the Chains...Amazing Grace" which I had never heard before.  She said that it would be our devotion.  As it began to play a few sang quietly along.  Then as the familiar Amazing Grace part began, those singing seemed to loose all of their inhibitions and we all began singing with wild abandon.  It was a very cool moment.  Margins erased.  Just one big group of ladies all wanting to help each other along in this life. 

Life in my home has not been easy.  The Dad and I have different views on helping our boy.  We both love him.  But, I need to let him go to love him in a healthy fashion.  The Dad feels a sense of guilt over not being there for him when he was young.  At the time, his focus was on work.  So he is trying as I guess we all have to have some impact.  It's hard for me to be around.  I will keep my boundaries firm and let them work out their own.  It isn't perfect but it's all I've got right now.

I'm thinking of buying tickets to see the Great Divorce at the performing arts center this weekend.  And the daughter was offered a position in the PhD program at Louisiana Tech.  It will be a big step for her but I know that she is ready.  That's all I've got.  A little bit of grace sprinkled with challenges of this disease and with life.  But for today, I have found some peace and I guess that is enough.

Praying for us all. 

It is What it Is.

  The Son is not in recovery.  There it is.  While I am mainly trying to focus on my journey, I  need to be sure that this blog is truthful.  I don't know if he is abusing drugs but I do know that he is abusing alcohol.  I do know that he is not working on sobriety or going to meetings.  I do know that he refuses to see the need for them.  And, I do know that there isn't spit that I can do about it.

I also know that he began to fill in when his dad needed help at work and now he is there everyday.  It worries me.  He says that he is trying to get another job.  He is trying to get back into the apprenticeship program that he was in before he went to rehab last year.  But, whether or not this will actually occur is anybody's guess. 

The Dad worries enough for the both of us.  His anxiety is crippling.  I wish that he would get help for it.  But, there is spit that I can do about that. 

So, for the past couple of days, I have done what all southern gals do in similar situations....I've taken to my bed or sofa.  But, I'm a southern gal on Al Anon, so I have done some prayer and meditation and decided on some new boundaries and tomorrow I hope to emerge again. 

Tonight, I am chairing our meeting and going to pick up one of my graduates from the Homeward Bound program and drop her at an AA meeting next to my Al Anon meeting.  Perhaps that will perk me up.  Trying to take care, hoping you are too and praying.

 

Thoughts From the Weekend

Big Sister and I drove to Ruston Louisiana Friday night.  She had an interview for a position in a PhD program at Louisiana Tech University.  We arrived at 12:30 am.  We were unable to leave until she got off work at 2 pm.  Saturday morning she was supposed to be at the university by 9:30 am and finished around 4 pm and then back for a dinner at 6 pm. 

I did a little wandering around.  Ruston is 30 minutes from West Monroe, LA in one direction and an hour from Shreveport in another direction.  I wandered around the antique district in West Monroe.  It was probably the best antique shopping I'd ever seen.

Once her dinner was over, she picked me up from Starbucks ( where she had parked me) and we headed a little closer to home.  We stayed the night in Little Rock.  The next morning we headed to Memphis where I met a cousin for mass and lunch before heading back to Nashville.  It was so nice to see him and spend a little time there. 

I've spent a lot of time this year trying to stop and visit.  I'm trying to remember to savor the family that I have left.  The Dad and I have been isolated for far too long.  At first we lived 500 miles from all of our family and once we moved back here, the business and insanity of all that we had come to be took over.  I'm living my life now.  I'm starting to enjoy a few things that I had forgotten about.

I am tired of the same problems.  Today I feel as if I need to stay parked in my home and just rest.  Some days just feel as if things will never change.  Honestly, I know that many things are so much better.  But, other problems weigh me down.  Maybe it is the fatigue from the weekend.......You have all been there.  While I am taking today to just chill, I'll get back out there tomorrow.  But, while I'm in, I'll be praying for all of you guys.