Down the Rabbit Hole

I've mentioned before that I teach a class at the county jail in a program called Homeward Bound.  They teach a lot of classes.  I used to take an Al Anon meeting there and still fill in sometimes but they have plenty of volunteers.  The class I teach lost their volunteer and I naively volunteered. 

I don't  have any training or any sort of psychology degree.  But, the text is written at a sixth grade level so I felt like I could swing it.  There is a training session but it is a four to six hundred dollar course and I would have to self pay as the program has very little money.  I've googled the program and found all sorts of studies done on it's effectiveness but nothing on how to implement it. 

I could follow only the text but as an ex elementary ed teacher, I wanted more.  Since I couldn't find any aids to help me expound on what the text offers, I went to some of the references.  The two books that I bought were Healing the Child Within and Healing the Shame that Binds.  These books deal with addiction quite a bit.  They both refer to twelve step programs a lot.  I can see now why the program coordinator choose a twelve stepper to facilitate this class.

I also asked to teach a writing class.  I teach the classes back to back and we write about some of the exercises in the book.  It has all worked out and miraculously seems to fit together. 

I don't really think you can teach writing.  But, I love teaching others to observe better and then to be able to communicate that to others.  The neat thing that I learned from these books is that in order to heal, you have to remember your story.  They recommend journaling and then going back to "listen" to your story.  As you look at it, you can learn so much about yourself.

I find it so amazing how God put this all together.  I don't know where he will take me next but these things make me look forward to what He has in store. 

Just Choose It

I watched the documentary G-Dog and the Homeboys.  It is a documentary which followed Father Greg Boyle, SJ for a year at his gang rehabilitation center.  If you ever need a practical how-to on unconditional love, that is the place to learn about it.

I bought the DVD and took it to my Homeward Bound Class at the jail.  They loved it.  I know this not only because they told me so, but they hugged me, smiled at me and even opened the door to cool the room off without me asking when a hot flash hit.  I consider that real progress!

Addiction is one of the obstacles that they work with at Homeboy.  They have AA, NA and other 12 step programs.  They do drug testing and help connect addicts with sober living houses.  Father Greg was talking to one of the kids about turning his life around.  "What's stopping you, he asked?  You just have to choose it.  You- choose- it, that's all." 

I was inspired.  It made me think of my own recovery.  Am I at a place where I choose it?  A lot has happened to us these last three years.  Addiction might have been the thing that captured our attention, but it is just a symptom.  Now, it's time to deal with the problem.  I think it's time to choose.

So, the hard work will begin, but I don't like the alternative.  I sick of where I've been.  I'm ready for health.  So I choose the hard work.  Praying for all of our loved ones.

 

Still Wanting my Mama.....

      November 1, will mark fifteen years since my mother died.  The onset of autumn always takes me back fifteen years to the sights and smells reminding me of those last moments with her.  They were both painful and joyful as life tends to be.  I was thirty-four years old and my children were very young.  As she was dying, we all (she had 6 children) took turns helping with her care.  I was two hours away so I came on the weekends.
     Those weekends were a time to sit in quiet with the windows open, smelling the fresh scents that signified the beginning of  death to a season of growth.  The symmetry was not lost on us.  It reminded us to finish things that needed finishing, say what needed to be said, touch as long as we could and say thanks to the one who cared so much for all of us.
     Autumn seems a little quieter somehow.  Perhaps it is because each voice, claimed by death, one by one, until the silence of winter arrives.  This quiet allows me to ponder much.  If she could come back for just a day or even an hour, I would have a lot to say.

     "Mama, I've missed you so much.  I know now, just how much you loved me.  I just never appreciated that as I should have.  I'm so sorry.  I feel like my life is in such a mess.  I'm working as hard as I can to do what is right.  But, I'm a little lost.  I miss you telling me that the tough times will pass.  Sometimes I remember how convinced you were that each of the six of us was absolutely the best or brightest at some particular thing and while I thought you were silly at the time, I miss someone having that kind of faith in me.  I miss having someone who I trust so utterly and completely. 
     I remember how you stood up for my kids.  You were a fabulous Grandmother.  If the Son was messy you reminded me what a good heart he had.  If the girls were fussing and cranky, you reminded me what a gift they would be as they got older.  According to you, they were the smartest, most beautiful children ever.....and you were right.  You were such safety and in this crazy mixed up world, I mourn the loss of that. 
     We're fighting an awful fight now and I need you.  I need your love to combat the evil that tries to take my boy and hurts the girls so in the process.  I need your prayers......I need your strength.  I sure would like to still have my Mama around." 
    
     I guess it's good that I can't have her for an hour or a day.  Because it would be so devastating to let her go again.  I am a little sad today.  The cool air is a little reminder of what was.  The hard times always make us run to Mama....
     Today, I will imagine her here with me.  I will open my windows and conjure up her peaceful nature and calm voice and bask in it as I pray for my Henry and yours.
   
    
    

Inheritance Lost

    My life has changed so much in the last three years.  I read all of these posts in our blogging community and a few things seem to jump out.  First of all, most of us, have lived with addiction or dysfunction even before now, with the one that brought us to our knees Secondly, once we become aware through the twelve steps or therapy or even a bit of rehab, we start digging into new and healthier ways of being. And, that work seems to eventually head backwards to the source of a lot of problems.
     The Dad and I have been doing marriage counseling for about two years.  We go to meetings (he more than me, I must confess) and for the most part, we have finally reached a place of safety where we can talk about things that might have been too frightening to talk about in the past. 
     This morning I had a phone conversation with Big Sister.  She tends to take on too much at school and she made the comment, "I don't know how to have healthy boundaries because of you guys."  Ouch!  That was true and pointed directly at me.  I used to take on more than I wanted, trying to seek approval.  I was always worried about what others thought of me.  It meant that I was okay, after all.
     The Dad and Granddad have also been having a tough time getting along.  Granddad doesn't really appreciate the fact that the Dad is learning to take up for himself.  Granddad is in his eighties and not very healthy.  His choices don't really protect him and so when we try, our efforts are met with his old ways of controlling.  Since we see with new eyes, it is a little startling to realize that we have put up with this for so long.
     A relative lost her son recently.  He was a drug addict.  It stoked the fires of fear and I became depressed and a little crazy.  The Son picked up on it.  I had to tell him why I was so out of sorts and his response was this, "Mom, I don't mean to sound nasty and I have no right to say this, because I've given you a million reasons to be afraid, but maybe you should just learn to deal with your own business."  I had to stop myself and think about his statement.  Was he trying to manipulate?  No, that was irrelevant.  He was right, I needed to look at why I was responding the way that I did and deal with my fear instead of behaving the way I did.  Was my behavior manipulative?  Maybe....
     I'm going have to find the courage to deal with my business and so is the Dad.  Because we've talked about it and our hope and our goal is for the dysfunction to stop here.  It won't be easy.  We will have to look very closely at ourselves.  We will have to ask ourselves the hard questions.  We will have to expect to meet a lot of resistance from Granddad. And, we will have to challenge our thinking on everything that we do.  It will be so important to be really present with our thoughts.
     I guess the buck stops here.  That will be our legacy.  Perhaps it will make up for so many of the mistakes that we have made thus far. 
     I am always inspired by you guys in the blogging community.  But, when I go into public and listen to people talk, I see how great my friends in recovery really are. 
     Saying prayers for you and your addicted loved ones.

The Judgement Seat

The Dad and I went to California on vacation.  There is nothing like the beach and poor cell signals to help you unplug and finally relax.  We had a much needed time to reconnect. 
     Our flight is close to four hours long and we always end up chatting with the passenger who occupies the third seat in our row, after all they practically sit in your lap for that length of time.  This time was no exception.  AL Anon and this addiction journey have really made me introspective.  I hear things differently now.
     The man who sat with us wore Levis, a crisp shirt and bow tie and a navy blazer.  He wore tortoise shell glasses which seemed to be a natural extension of his graying hair.  I asked about his trip and his job.  He did the same.  Those conversations naturally led to our families.  And some how, it always seems to end up with a discussion about addiction.
     Mr. Bow Tie was a Yale philosophy graduate.  And so when he said that his son was not really motivated in school but that he didn't do drugs or anything like that.....I knew that I would tell my story.  That might seem counter intuitive to some but for me, it was important to be nakedly honest.  I hate the stigma of addiction and so I'm not going to cower in it's presence.  Maybe that's wrong.  I don't know.
     Our talks continued.  His dad was a raging alcoholic.  There were definitely some scars there.  He also had a wife back home and a daughter who was a freshman in college.  He was meeting a college friend before his business meeting. 
     We talked a lot about addiction.  It seemed to interest him.  But when we got off the plane, he was arm in arm with the college friend.....in a romantic embrace.  I was instantly irritated.  Who is he to turn his nose up at someone who suffers from addiction?  And then I realized, who am I to turn my nose up at his issues?  I am the pot......
     Sometimes I am a slow learner.  I think we are all a mess.  We just have to have to courage to look within, the courage to accept it and the courage to change.  Not such an easy task.  But, I'll keep trying.
In prayer for all of you and for our addicted loved ones.  And, most especially for Michael's family who lost him this week.

Moral Reconation Therapy

Last year I helped take an AlAnon meeting to our county jail.  This year I wanted to do something a little different, so I asked if I could facilitate a writing class.  The Homeward Bound coordinator said sure but he needed some other classes covered and asked if I was willing.

The class that he asked me to teach is called "How to Escape Your Prison".  It is a moral reconation therapy program.  I had never heard of it before and felt a bit intimidated taking on such a class without training.  But, here I am....muddling through.  I must say, I've learned so much already.  I just hope that I can teach it in a way that will be fruitfull. 

I am constantly surprised by the places I learn the most.  These are places that I never really wanted to go and yet now I look forward to being in Al Anon or hearing an open AA speaker meeting.  I can't wait till Thursday's at the jail. 

There is truth and life in those places.  I am so fortunate to have been brought to this place.  If any of you know about moral reconation therapy and have any advice for how to facilitate such a program, I am all ears.

Saying prayers for all of our addicted loved ones.....

You Just Never Know

     A friend lost her adult son in a car accident this week.  He was a wonderful, loving, responsible young man.  He was hit head on by a semi truck because he was going the wrong way on the interstate.  No drugs or alcohol were involved.  He was probably overtired because of the number of hours he had worked. 
     This tragedy was so unexpected that it has rocked our parish and community.  In my world, this would be one of three possible outcomes for my son.  The idea of losing a son has been fretted and worried over in mental preparation for something that can't be mentally prepared for.  I've tried negotiating with God in an effort to save my son.  I've done a lot of work to accept the fact that he is only mine for a while and God could ask for his return at any given moment.
     But, this friend has the most beautiful faith that I've ever witnessed.  Our mutual friend went to offer comfort and prayers and as she was leaving, this beautiful boy's mother said, "Heaven must be thrilled to have gained such a wonderful soul as that of my baby......and I keep hoping it's a mistake."
I was humbled by her strength and grace. 
     You just never know.  We just never know.  If only I could learn to live each day....each minute as it was intended and learn to live in anticipation of God's next move instead of placing ignorant expectation upon it......
     Today I offer a prayer for the soul of Rick.  I pray for strength and comfort of his family.  I pray for each family out there who waits for the other shoe to drop.  I pray for our addicted loved ones and for Henry.