I was quite surprised at the number of comments from my last post. My blog felt tired and I really didn't think that anyone read it. I know that I was tired of it myself. The comments were all so kind and caring and I am so thankful for all of you who take time to try and support me during a low point.
Addiction is a long slog. And, I'm not particularly good at long slogs. It can also end tragically and I have been so fearful of a tragic ending lately. I think that it is because the Son has had a good experience at a 12 step immersion program and then lived in a recovery community. This last time around, we did things right for a change and so if he relapsed again, what did that mean?
I'll tell you what I think it means. I think that it probably means that I don't have any control over his outcome. Not even if I stand on my head, whistle dixie and bargain with God, do I have even a smidgen of control.
Control is fear. I know this. But what is fear? I asked a young man who is studying to be a priest that very question. He says that fear is a lack of faith and a lack of faith is imperfect love. The Dad and I talked about it today. We both know that we can't make him want to get better. We can't will him into a spiritual awakening. And if the worst were to happen.....there is one thing that we know for sure. God loves him more than we do.
And that, is what I have to keep saying to myself to accept what is.
Addiction is a long slog. And, I'm not particularly good at long slogs. It can also end tragically and I have been so fearful of a tragic ending lately. I think that it is because the Son has had a good experience at a 12 step immersion program and then lived in a recovery community. This last time around, we did things right for a change and so if he relapsed again, what did that mean?
I'll tell you what I think it means. I think that it probably means that I don't have any control over his outcome. Not even if I stand on my head, whistle dixie and bargain with God, do I have even a smidgen of control.
Control is fear. I know this. But what is fear? I asked a young man who is studying to be a priest that very question. He says that fear is a lack of faith and a lack of faith is imperfect love. The Dad and I talked about it today. We both know that we can't make him want to get better. We can't will him into a spiritual awakening. And if the worst were to happen.....there is one thing that we know for sure. God loves him more than we do.
And that, is what I have to keep saying to myself to accept what is.
2 comments:
My focus this last year or so has been on acceptance. Of the situation and of HER, just as she is. Because the reality is that Jesus accepts her as she is, right now, today. And my goal is to be more and more like Jesus. If its good enough for Him, then its good enough for me. That doesn't mean that I have no boundaries, or that I condone her life choices. We don't even go there anymore. She knows how I feel about all of that...but I do love her and I always will. Accepting that this is what we have for today has set me free to stop living in the future. I am able to go on with MY life despite what is going on with her. Its hard. I think accepting that my life will have a shadow over it because one of my precious ones is so so very sick, has set me free just to be in the situation that we are in. It is what it is. I know that I don't have any fight left in me...so that leaves me relying on God, which is where I should have turned right in the beginning...but you know how that goes. lol
I am at that point that I have detached so much it almost feels as if I am watching someone else's loved one go through this. I am feeling perhaps that I should not have pulled away so much. But I think that it was the only way I could stay sane and take care of myself and my other family members who I have neglected very greatly. I pray for my son every day. It's all I can do right now.
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