Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Paradigm Shift

I've been reading a lot of really good posts lately.  I especially liked Annette's post titled While I'm Away.  It really touched me.  It was a portrait with many layers.  The words demonstrated a beautiful progression of a family who all worked independently yet together to love each other.  I kept thinking about how each person contributed their part without judgement and with acceptance and how those gifts of love made everything just seem to click in perfect order.  It was a great story, beautifully told.

My son has had his ups and his downs.  He is on his journey.  I have accepted the not knowing.  I have accepted him no matter what.  I have accepted that God loves him more than I do.  Those are some big steps to take, for me anyway.  With all of those things in mind, I have noticed a shift in the way I view this journey.

I wonder if any of you have considered this journey a gift?  I know that we all hate what it does to our loved ones.  We hate the fear and the consequences of the disease.  But, so many of us have changed in ways too deeply for most people to understand.  I read in these circles a deep understanding of unconditional love.  And, those who have broken our hearts and made us worry are also the very same individuals who were the impetus for us to seek out real love. 

I am not happy that the Son is an addict.  But, his addiction has made me become a better person.  It has pushed me to lose a lot of baggage that blocked my view of what was really important.  It has taught me to accept.

In AlAnon last night, we talked about shifting the focus from the addict or alcoholic onto ourselves.  We talked about how they drink or use so that they don't have to deal with things.  We focused on them so that we don't have to deal with our stuff.  Addiction is my crash course.  My son has been the reason that I am closer to God's love than ever before.  It is a great paradox indeed. 

I guess I am starting to shift my thinking from "why does he use?" to "what am I to learn from this?"  I'd love to hear your ideas on this subject.

In feverent prayer


Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...

It is in the recent weeks since my son's relapse and arrest that I am slowly coming to realize that this journey has, indeed, been a bittersweet gift. I completely understand what you're saying in this post. My faith has grown with each passing day, and I can truly say that I can feel the Lord carrying me down this path when I'm too weak to walk it on my own.
I've been learning the same lesson in my Alanon group lately too. It is myself that I really need to be working on now. I have much to learn about how my own behavior has been far from sane as I've traveled this road of addiction with my son, and what I need to do to change the only person I can....myself.

Annette said...

I read this the day your posted but am just now finding a minute to respond. First of all, than you for linking to my blog. I am glad you liked that post. It was particularly meaningful to me too.

As to this journey that we all have found ourselves traveling...yes, I most definitely consider it a gift. It has changed my life in so many ways, humbled me, stripped me of aspirations that I can "do it myself" and given me the gift of being broken and experiencing the unconditional love and acceptance of God. I now have the room in my conscious mind to choose to slow down and seek His will, to make room for God to come in and work...and it has been the biggest relief that I can remember feeling. I am not alone, carrying the weight of the world anymore. It has put my whole life into perspective...when you have a child that is so sick, sitting in traffic, waiting in line at the store, having the dr run late and keep you waiting, a messy house...all seem like nothing. In comparison, there is really not much that can get me rattled or take away my peace anymore. I am grateful for those changes in my perspective. I still have hope that my girl will get well one day, and I think of the story she will have. And if she doesn't find her way to wholeness, I am assured that she is not alone. I put her into God's hands everyday....and I know He is with her. I know she is not lost to Him, He see's her. He knows all the truth that I can only guess at and He is in charge.