Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Weary Traveler

I haven't posted in quite a while.  I am weary from the ups and downs of this journey.  I have trouble losing my expectation of a happy ending.  I am finding that my faith needs to grow.  I don't really know how to love without condition....at least in a practical sense.  I don't know how to care about someone while watching them harm himself.....I can't seem to stop yelling "don't run out in front of that car" because I know he already knows better and can't stop themself.

I am tired of the stigma of addiction. I am tired of people who make fun of Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen.  Can they not see how hurt they already are?  I'm tired of addicts being referred to as junkies, potheads, crackheads......I'm lost on this road and I don't really know how to get back.

I am sorry for this post but I hope that some of you might help steer me back to where I need to be.  I'm just tired.

8 comments:

Terri said...

Oh my, do I hear you. I am sorry that you are in this sad place right now. What advice would you give me if I were there and asking for help? Go to a meeting, do something good for yourself, remember you are only in control of you? I'm saying a prayer for you right now.

Annette said...

God is in charge and we are not. Our children have their journey to travel and so do we. Jesus came for the broken....that would be us and our kids.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. That happens. There is so much letting go that goes on, it takes us to levels in our faith that we didn't know were possible. (((Hug)))

Hattie Heaton said...

Terri, I don't think I'd give myself advice right now as I am learning that I have so much to learn myself. But, thank you for your kind words. Annette, maybe you have hit the nail on the head. Maybe I am mourning my lack of control. I have missed my blogging buddies. Thank you.

beachteacher said...

I'm sorry Hattie - have missed you & will include you & yours in my prayers

Summer said...

I'm sorry your so sad right now. Letting go of the control we think we have is such a hard thing to do. What I am learning is that the best I can do for my son is to let him figure it out, as hard as that is. In letting go, I am really giving him the power to choose. He deserves the chance to be a man...he'll never be able to step up and do the right thing if I am micromanaging his life and addiction. And when that glorious day does come, and it will, he can be proud knowing he achieved it all on his own.

In taking a step back, I am also setting my boundaries and trying like crazy to get my own life back on track. For me, it helps by setting small goals and taking time out of each day to achieve even one of those. Maybe that would work for you? Even silly things, like buying a flat of annuals to put in containers on the porch, etc.

God bless you, Hattie. You and your family are in my prayers.

Sheri said...

It was a year ago that I started my own blog. My son had just entered rehab and I was filled with expectations, which over the year turned quickly into despair as my son continues to struggle. My heart is heavy, just like yours and there are days I feel as if there will never be any joy again.
Recently, every morning I think of things for which I am grateful. I always come up with something, even if it's just the fact that I woke up! I love your words and I have missed them. Today, I am grateful you decided to write. Thank you for helping me add to my list.

Meth Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meth Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...

I think all of us can relate to your weariness right now. We've all been there, and I'm right there with you. I think it goes against all of our motherly instincts to totally let go of our adult children and watch them make choices that we know will cause them harm. The only time I find any real peace though, is when I am able to Let Go and Let God. When I find myself in despair, I pray that the Lord will reveal to me the lessons he wants me to learn. Right now He is teaching me trust and surrender and I'm getting there, but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I like to picture Jesus holding my son in His arms when I feel that fear taking over and, like Sheri, I try to find something to be grateful for. Praying for you and your son, Hattie.