Thursday, April 26, 2012

Weary Worry

As I have been consummed with work and a phone that never stays quiet for very long during the summer months, I forget who I am and go back to old ways of worry.  This poem and it's words found me, articulating a need that I was too busy to notice.

I came to Mass today
To hide in Latin words
And smell the dust of ritual. 
I came for sanctuary
Where the powerful and poor
Together kneel
And unstoppable time
Holds still
Like a snapshot in the eye of God.
I came to a place without lessons,
Where no one is distilling truth
Like Tennessee Whiskey.
I came to float like a flower
In a Japanese pool.
I came
For the veins under my skin
To swell like the virgin in Nazareth
And burst wine.
I came for something
You cannot get over the counter.
I came because justice
Will not happen before cocktails.
I came because my child's cold
Did not gather in her chest
Like a summer storm
I came
Because in my nightmare chases
I wake to sweat
The moment before capture.
I came
Because I want it to be true
That I will go in peace
When this Mass is ended.

John Shea

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A Bubble off Plum.....

My world and it's rotation have hit a snag.  This isn't a scientific fact but just a feeling of sorts. .......

I've been training a young girl for sometime.  She was just getting to that point where she would have been the better option than having me at work when she found the grass to be greener on the human side of medicine so now I am out shopping for a new receptionist/Girl Friday for the office. 

I have this feeling that I'm at one of those bargain basements but I got here a little later than the rest of the shoppers.  I am weary from the over confident and want to pick up the poor souls who "but I don't know how to write a resume and I couldn't finish high school because my mother started having seizures" don't really have a clue.  Can you so codependent?

I got a resume from a lady who just a year or so back was arrested for embezzling thousands of dollars from a furniture store in this small (everyone knows your business) town.  She listed the store on her resume and listed that she hadn't worked since April 2010 (wonder why?). 

I got a resume from a lady who graduated Vanderbilt University School of Nursing (I'm thinking wow!!!) in........................ 1965...oh crap....Everyone loooooves animals but I want them to work for their crazy owners and looooooove answering the phone, cleaning and filing. 

And very sadly, our 6 week old foal died yesterday.  The necropsy report listed a atrial valve problem and pneumonia secondary to that. 

Add on to that the ever present limbo we live in with regard to the sale of our house and my bubble is off.......way off plumb. 

Okay what mantra should I chant?  One day at a time......Give it to God........A glass of wine please?    This too shall pass....I type this in jest, sort of..... I thank you for the opportunity to vent and I ask for prayers for strength to persevere and guidance.  The son is doing pretty good (Thanks be to God) And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Little Lost......

Sometimes I feel like I'm living an out of body type existance.  I see that things are so much better but still I question and second guess myself.  I have had fear lately.  I hate fear almost as much as I hate addiction.  I've got this feeling of being off course and I'm starting to feel that unmanagable feeling again. 

My son says he is going to mass with me tomorrow.  I hope he follows through.  If we go, we're going to a church where the priest has been to rehab.  I'm hoping and praying that he will be able to connect with the priest.  But, maybe I shouldn't have an expectation.  Maybe I should just learn to live the day and see where it takes me. 

My husband is very anxious.  He is anxious about more than just my son.  So, I'm unsure if the anxiety is warranted or not......but, it's made me very nervous.   I'm hoping to get back on course.  I need to go to church and I need a meeting.  I also need your prayers.

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for this blog and it's ability to give voice to my fears and this community which I have total confidence that I can go to without editing.  I pray for direction and I say a prayer for all of you and for Henry.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Grateful Easter

I've been a little stuck lately .......having a marathon pity party.  But, I think I'm mostly over myself least for today, right?  It's Easter season and there is so much to be thankful for.  So, here goes...

1.  A power greater than myself.

2.  Never giving up at recovery.

3.  Babies both animal and human.

4.  Bare bones honesty (which I find so much of in this community.)

5.  Moments of Quiet.

6.  Adult children.

7.  Trips to the beach.

8.  Hubby who is trying desperately to learn and grow.

9.  Parents who loved me enough that I still know it without question.

10.  The wisdom gleaned from this awful experience with addiction.

And Henry, a prayer for you on this Easter weekend.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Trust More

John Kavanaugh, philosophy professor at SLU and Jesuit priest, once asked Mother Teresa to pray for him to have clarity during his formation process.  She said, "I've never had clarity and certitude.  I only have trust.  I'll pray that you trust."

What a spunky gal she was....just getting to the meat of the problem.  I've been in a real funk...wanting to know what I was supposed to do with myself.  So, I bought this book , "God's Voice Within".  And, I'm learning (again) that I need to use today as a day of service. 

Enough Said.

Today I am thankful for the gift of books to help continue to guide me.  I am thankful for sobriety for those who have it and pray for it for those who still strive for it and I say a prayer for Henry.