Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Little Lost......

Sometimes I feel like I'm living an out of body type existance.  I see that things are so much better but still I question and second guess myself.  I have had fear lately.  I hate fear almost as much as I hate addiction.  I've got this feeling of being off course and I'm starting to feel that unmanagable feeling again. 

My son says he is going to mass with me tomorrow.  I hope he follows through.  If we go, we're going to a church where the priest has been to rehab.  I'm hoping and praying that he will be able to connect with the priest.  But, maybe I shouldn't have an expectation.  Maybe I should just learn to live the day and see where it takes me. 

My husband is very anxious.  He is anxious about more than just my son.  So, I'm unsure if the anxiety is warranted or not......but, it's made me very nervous.   I'm hoping to get back on course.  I need to go to church and I need a meeting.  I also need your prayers.

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for this blog and it's ability to give voice to my fears and this community which I have total confidence that I can go to without editing.  I pray for direction and I say a prayer for all of you and for Henry.

3 comments:

beachteacher said...

Wow Hattie,...you so hit the mark for me on this post. You said it precisely,..."hate fear as much as I hate addiction". SO true,..for really,...besides the sadness of what addiction is doing or has done to our child or other loved one,...that's what it really creates in us that love them,...FEAR,.. & I guess that's what we fight in our own journey w/ addiction. At least, that's what the fight is that I have with it, along w/ the sadness about my son having had to & still struggling w/ addiction. My sadness is about what it's robbed him of already in his only 20 year old life. But MY personal mountain to always climb is the fear. I'm sorry for your fear too. And you're right about our blessing of these blogs & bloggers. Be well. I'm going to be thinking of you in church tomorrow. God bless you.

Lou said...

Fear..that low level, always in the back of your mind kind?

Uggg..had it for years. I'm not sure when it finally went away. Of course, I'm still afraid of relapse, of horrible drug things happening again..but I'm not afraid of it ruining my life anymore. Does that make sense? I have truly let go, but only recently. I SAID I had let go for years, but really I hadn't. I was just whistling in the dark.

Your last couple posts sound like you are going through a rough time. Could it be medical? Thyroid, menopause, etc? Those two conditions (along with others) affected my mental state a lot.

Praying, meetings, self love are the right tools...you already know that. This is not your first rodeo, and you are strong. I believe you will find your way.

XOXO

Allyson said...

Hi Hattie,
Sounds like you're pretty stressed but managing to keep it together anyway.

I read this story that should inspire you or at least feel like there are others feeling the same way you feel: http://www.todaysstep.com/bill.html

Hang in there!