Little Sister just left for a babysitting job that will keep her here in our hometown until Saturday, but away from our house. Then she will head back to school for the "make or break" semester in nursing school. We will probably not see too much of her even though she is only an hour away.
Big Sister is settling in at her new home for the next three to four years. Yesterday, she got to see her office. Her classes don't begin for another twelve days. We won't see her until October when she flies in for a wedding.
The Son is living somewhere other than here. He is probably not making healthy choices. Finally, I accept that there is nothing that I can do but pray. I have even stopped trying to manipulate God in prayer.....Yes, I tried doing that.
Good Grief we are changing. And, quite frankly, I find nothing good about the grief. Saturday while in Louisiana we went to the vigil mass. I could not stop bawling all through the mass. I came home went straight to Big Sister's room and cried at the empty space.
I've been waiting for Little Sister to leave. I needed her out of the house so that I could really have a loud and ugly cry. She and I talked about it and she is feeling the same way. She and her sister are fourteen months apart.
I'm blue about them leaving. I'm blue about an era in my life ending. I'm tired and blue about addiction. I'm sorrowful and blue about all the chances I blew, choices made wrong and fear that I let stop me from dealing with it all for such a long time. I'm frustrated with myself for looking at others--comparing. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself because I envy what I think they have.
So now I will enter another season of mourning. I will let those dark feelings come and sit with them for a while. I will try my best to process them and let go of them as they will let me.
But, most of all....I will try to pray more.