Monday, September 30, 2013

Still Wanting my Mama.....

      November 1, will mark fifteen years since my mother died.  The onset of autumn always takes me back fifteen years to the sights and smells reminding me of those last moments with her.  They were both painful and joyful as life tends to be.  I was thirty-four years old and my children were very young.  As she was dying, we all (she had 6 children) took turns helping with her care.  I was two hours away so I came on the weekends.
     Those weekends were a time to sit in quiet with the windows open, smelling the fresh scents that signified the beginning of  death to a season of growth.  The symmetry was not lost on us.  It reminded us to finish things that needed finishing, say what needed to be said, touch as long as we could and say thanks to the one who cared so much for all of us.
     Autumn seems a little quieter somehow.  Perhaps it is because each voice, claimed by death, one by one, until the silence of winter arrives.  This quiet allows me to ponder much.  If she could come back for just a day or even an hour, I would have a lot to say.

     "Mama, I've missed you so much.  I know now, just how much you loved me.  I just never appreciated that as I should have.  I'm so sorry.  I feel like my life is in such a mess.  I'm working as hard as I can to do what is right.  But, I'm a little lost.  I miss you telling me that the tough times will pass.  Sometimes I remember how convinced you were that each of the six of us was absolutely the best or brightest at some particular thing and while I thought you were silly at the time, I miss someone having that kind of faith in me.  I miss having someone who I trust so utterly and completely. 
     I remember how you stood up for my kids.  You were a fabulous Grandmother.  If the Son was messy you reminded me what a good heart he had.  If the girls were fussing and cranky, you reminded me what a gift they would be as they got older.  According to you, they were the smartest, most beautiful children ever.....and you were right.  You were such safety and in this crazy mixed up world, I mourn the loss of that. 
     We're fighting an awful fight now and I need you.  I need your love to combat the evil that tries to take my boy and hurts the girls so in the process.  I need your prayers......I need your strength.  I sure would like to still have my Mama around." 
     I guess it's good that I can't have her for an hour or a day.  Because it would be so devastating to let her go again.  I am a little sad today.  The cool air is a little reminder of what was.  The hard times always make us run to Mama....
     Today, I will imagine her here with me.  I will open my windows and conjure up her peaceful nature and calm voice and bask in it as I pray for my Henry and yours.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Inheritance Lost

    My life has changed so much in the last three years.  I read all of these posts in our blogging community and a few things seem to jump out.  First of all, most of us, have lived with addiction or dysfunction even before now, with the one that brought us to our knees Secondly, once we become aware through the twelve steps or therapy or even a bit of rehab, we start digging into new and healthier ways of being. And, that work seems to eventually head backwards to the source of a lot of problems.
     The Dad and I have been doing marriage counseling for about two years.  We go to meetings (he more than me, I must confess) and for the most part, we have finally reached a place of safety where we can talk about things that might have been too frightening to talk about in the past. 
     This morning I had a phone conversation with Big Sister.  She tends to take on too much at school and she made the comment, "I don't know how to have healthy boundaries because of you guys."  Ouch!  That was true and pointed directly at me.  I used to take on more than I wanted, trying to seek approval.  I was always worried about what others thought of me.  It meant that I was okay, after all.
     The Dad and Granddad have also been having a tough time getting along.  Granddad doesn't really appreciate the fact that the Dad is learning to take up for himself.  Granddad is in his eighties and not very healthy.  His choices don't really protect him and so when we try, our efforts are met with his old ways of controlling.  Since we see with new eyes, it is a little startling to realize that we have put up with this for so long.
     A relative lost her son recently.  He was a drug addict.  It stoked the fires of fear and I became depressed and a little crazy.  The Son picked up on it.  I had to tell him why I was so out of sorts and his response was this, "Mom, I don't mean to sound nasty and I have no right to say this, because I've given you a million reasons to be afraid, but maybe you should just learn to deal with your own business."  I had to stop myself and think about his statement.  Was he trying to manipulate?  No, that was irrelevant.  He was right, I needed to look at why I was responding the way that I did and deal with my fear instead of behaving the way I did.  Was my behavior manipulative?  Maybe....
     I'm going have to find the courage to deal with my business and so is the Dad.  Because we've talked about it and our hope and our goal is for the dysfunction to stop here.  It won't be easy.  We will have to look very closely at ourselves.  We will have to ask ourselves the hard questions.  We will have to expect to meet a lot of resistance from Granddad. And, we will have to challenge our thinking on everything that we do.  It will be so important to be really present with our thoughts.
     I guess the buck stops here.  That will be our legacy.  Perhaps it will make up for so many of the mistakes that we have made thus far. 
     I am always inspired by you guys in the blogging community.  But, when I go into public and listen to people talk, I see how great my friends in recovery really are. 
     Saying prayers for you and your addicted loved ones.