Interior Change

There has been a change.  The inner change allows outward manifestations to  sneak out bit by bit defining a new person or perhaps illustrating  the real person minus the drugs or the anxieties of the past.  I do not know why it is happening or when exactly it started to happen but I am so thankful.

I've been reading some really good books regarding love.  Real love.  How we show love....how we perceive love and my only explanation for this change is prayer and a new understanding of how to love.

Prayer in and of itself is love.  It is a love of God and getting to know Him more deeply.  Prayer is love.  Not just of what we want but trusting God to know and give us what we need.  So I don't question, I just accept with grateful heart.

Love is the subject of many books, many songs and movies.  It is the theme of what we all live for and crave.  Hollywood has distorted our image of love in such a way that most of us don't know the first thing about it anymore. 

Today, I am so thankful for God's holy grace.  I am not worthy.  I am thankful.  I pray for each of you to learn as I am learning God's gift of love.  I pray for our addicted loved ones and I say a prayer for Henry. 

My People

Last night oldest daughter texted her dad to watch a show on the Animal Planet called, "Turtle Man".  Dad flipped the channel as I am trying to fall asleep and a fella is walking barefoot through the murky waters of a pond in hopes of "feeling" a snapping turtle.  Apparently, he's pretty good at this.

Dad texts daughter back asking if he's paying for her cable tv or is she?  She replied, "I am" to which he says, "good."  I guess he doesn't feel that this is an important part of her education.  We continue to listen to this guy who is clearly a character and I say where in the world is this guy from?  Hubby says, probably Louisiana...bayou country.  But, the more I listen I begin to think he not only sounds ( regional dialect) but has characteristics of people from mine and hubby's home (Kentucky).  "He's from Kentucky,"  I finally say.  "No, he's not."  hubby says.  About that time, the show comes back from commercial where they mention that he is from the backwoods of Kentucky!!

The dad is stunned that I figured this out.  He reminds me of Ernest T. Bass if you are an Andy Griffith follower.  Today, son and I spent some time together.  I started telling him about some of my AlAnon friends.  Some of them are characters too.  But, I love them.  I am learning to look beyond the exterior and look within because when you do, you might just see something really neat. 

Turtle Man is really an intuitive sort.  He must really have come to understand animal behavior from a lot of observation.  The fact that he's missing a few teeth and makes an odd noise in celebration of his catch just make for good tv. 

I guess you could say that I recognized "my people".  Not all of them are as flamboyant or backwoods but, they are honest and unafraid of who they are.  There's a lot to be said about that. 

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for healing from our past.  I pray for our addicted loved ones and I say a prayer for Henry.

The Face of Jesus

Sometimes, when I stand back and pay attention, I  see things that I easily miss on any given day.  Don't you imagine that there are times that God is all of His glory in heaven sits back like any good parent shaking His head thinking, when will they get it?

Son is at home between jobs and sober.  I know this because when I thought he was using I said , "would you be willing to take a drug test?"  His reply was "yes ma am, would you like for me to pick one up?"  In days past this would have been all that I needed and I would have been delighted by such a response but older wiser Hattie was not falling for it so she said,"why yes, I would appreciate that very much!"

He was clean....clearly PAWS were rearing their ugly head his way.  He is of his own volition, doing 90 meetings in 90 days and met with a sponsor yesterday.  Before, this would have had me doing a happy dance.  Today, I figure it will work out or not.....holy indifference, a grace for sure.

Sunday, he went to an NA meeting and stopped at a convenience store to get gas on his way home.  There was a homeless guy outside who asked if he could bum a cigarette.  Son said sure and gave him 3-4 cigarettes.  The homeless man  was very grateful and asked how he was and what he was up to.  Son told him where he'd been.  The homeless man told him that he used to smoke crack cocaine but now substituted for alcohol.  He told him to keep it up.  He told him to take this chance and change his life. 

This encounter really touched my son.  He kept talking about it all day.  I think my son saw Jesus that day.  And, sometimes, the kindness of those who have the least still surprises me.  The marginalized are just dismissed.  But, if we pay attention, if we look them in the eyes with the hope of seeing Jesus.........we just might.

Later, the daughter had the Kardashians on tv.  Everyone that walked in the room made a comment about how we could not believe that she was watching that. And, like moth to a flame, we all sat there unable to change it because we could not believe how unrealistic these folks really are.

 Later, my son said to me that he thought the mom was a succubus......OK this is my son who was not sober for most of high school and all of college.  First of all, I had to ask him what this meant, then I could not believe it when my son told me that it was a female demon appearing in human form and that one of our earliest popes was corrupt in large part because of his liaison with one.  He thought this was true, then googled it and confirmed. 

Well, wonders never cease.  Wonder what God has in store next?  Everyday is a surprise.....

Today I am thankful for the gifts of God's generous heart.  I am thankful for the "least of these" and the lessons that they teach me, all of the time.  I'm thankful for the gift of faith.  I pray for God to heal your sons and daughters and mine.  I pray for wisdom and I pray for the soul of my grandfather, Henry.

The Journey

A chronic disease is like a marathon.  Anyone who suffers from one knows this for sure.  Addiction, I think like cancer or cystic fibrosis, drags the family along in tow.  I have always felt that this is a journey that no one wanted to take.

A journey suggests that this will take us from one place to the next.  And, so it does.  In the beginning I wanted direction from anyone who could help.  Then, I tried employing only the boundaries I discovered in the recovery communities.  Now, I look to my faith to help me out in the gray areas.

I recently met with my friend Lou.  I told her that we (our family) had helped my son "one last time".  She said that she hoped it wasn't the last time.  And when I tried to apologize for something that I'd done with my son, she told me to quit apologizing.  When she instantly, matter of factly (don't know if that's a word) said those words it was as if a 60 lb boulder was lifted from my shoulders.

If he is using, he will go.  If he is trying to recover do I just stay away?  For now, I have decided to go with my intuition.  I have decided to go with prayer.  I am trying to remember that parable of the man forgiving his servant not 7 times but  77 times.  I am trying to remember that loving my neighbor as myself and the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and mind can never steer me wrong.

This does not mean that I'm allowing him to move in, ever or that I will give him money.  It just means that I will not be sorry for forgiving after disappointment or for loving him no matter what he does or where he goes. 

This is my newest milestone.  This is a place where control and fear are not allowed to enter.  This is a place of holy indifference. 

Today, I am thankful for the peace and joy provided when I am at a point where I can no longer keep moving forward without God's grace.  I am thankful for great friends who are pretty good at throwing a tow line.  I am thankful that God is the one doing the heavy lifting on this one.  I pray so hard and without ceasing for healing for our addicted loved ones.  I pray for the miracle of love to engulf them so that a substance will never compare.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Battle Fatigue

I'm  feeling so tired.  I guess a long weekend and poor diet aren't as easily forgiven by the body as they used to be.  I took a little weekend get away to visit with my friend Lou.  Our visit was really good. But, my expectation for the whole weekend was that I would get caught up on reading and wriitng and that didn't happen.  It's left me, as hubby would say, full of piss and vinegar. 

Today I took my car to the dealership ( I know the dealership is the most expensive place) but it was for a recall or a reprogramming of something or other.  I could not renew my tags because the check engine light was on.  Half way home from the dealership, the check engine light came on again.  So when my daughter comes home, I will drive back again to drop off the car this time.

My head and heart are at a battle of tug of war as to what or how much to do for my son.  I am so tired of the constant analysis of what my motives are.  I want to just be for a while.

I guess I am full of piss and vinegar today.  I think I need physical and spiritual rest. 

Today I say a prayer of thanksgiving for my friends both near and far.  I am thankful for this blog and how it helps me to sort my feelings.  I pray for our addicted loved ones....that they might feel the restorative love that we have for them and that they may rest in it today.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.