Friday, June 5, 2015

Glimpses of Heaven

Little Sister and I went to see my sisters in another state yesterday.  It isn't a big trip, it is only a two hour drive.  My oldest sister had lunch ready for us.  She is the unofficial cook in our family.  Lunch alone, was worth the drive.

My other sister lives just a couple of fields away.  She was at a dermo apt with her husband and didn't get there until later.  She had an found old movie taken when my kids were little.  We could not wait to watch it.

When your parents have died and your kids are grown, finding a glimpse of something past is the best gift.  I can't even find words for it.  It's feels like a supernatural phenomena.  The movie was on a VHS tape.  My sister only has one VHS player left and it is in her grandsons room.

Five adults sat in a five year olds bedroom, littered with toys, peering at the small television set, placed at eye level for a three foot tall boy.  We strained to see and hear our parents speak.  We laughed at the children as toddlers.

It was a wonderful treat.  But, I found myself growing sad.  I was sad because I realized that I was peering at my son, the same way that I peered at my parents.  I looked at him as someone who was gone from my life because addiction has come between us.  It has made him so enslaved unto his disease that he can't even consider being a part of our family.

More than anything, that is my wish.  But, it is not to be.  At least not now.  Drug and alcohol addiction is at epidemic proportions and we're worried about what Bruce Jenner is doing with his life. 

I wonder if we aren't already living in hell sometimes.  I guess there is but one road between heaven and hell.  My perspective has everything to do with the direction that I'm facing on that road.

There was a little part of that movie where my sweet dad sat in his rocker with my son at about five years old.  They were rocking and cutting up with each other.  They were both smiling and laughing and in that moment it was pure heaven.  I think I will hang on to that.



janzi said...

YOu do have to hang on to that picture and keep it safe in your mind, so you can remember that you had such precious times with your son. My grandson is also on that terrible trip with drugs and as he has also been diagnosed with Aspergers, of course he thinks he is right and everyone is wrong.. however, you not beat yourself up, you gave him all the right tools to choose the best way to live, and one day he might get around to appreciating what he has lost and get himself well again. My heart broke to see my girl so upset and hurting and I am sure you are feeling so wounded too.. but prayer is strong power and hope must be eternal that one day he will return. I am sending you all the hugs in the world and hope tonight you will not feel down too much.. j

Summer said...

There have been many times over the years when I, too, thought we might just all be living in hell but then I would see a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of something good. In those moments I could see God shining his light on my son and I knew He was just waiting for the right time. Don't give up that hope Hattie. Like Janzi said, prayer is strong.

Hattie Heaton said...

Thanks ladies. I do have hope. Summer, I like what you said about God waiting on the right time. I am learning how important that is.