I had forty-five days. Forty-five days where I simply had no control. He had forty-five days. Forty five days where he had no control. We had no power.
For forty-five days, I could admit that I was powerless. I really haven't had any trouble admitting that my life was unmanageable. But, admitting powerlessness, that was another thing all together.
But, for those forty-five days, I was actually aware that I was totally under God's care. I had my ups and my downs. Sometimes I felt brave only to crash and feel hopeless later.
By the end, I had accepted that I could not make a difference. Before, I was so adamant about showing unconditional love. Now, I questioned that love. Was it really unconditional or an effort to love him out of his addiction (manipulate)?
The best thing that I did, was pay attention. If I could quit planning long enough to just be present, then I could learn so much more.
What if I stopped judging everything that he said ...what if I stopped thinking..., 'that sounds irresponsible or it sounds like someone who is not on the right road to recovery...' You know those crazy thoughts--If I could stop long enough to just witness who he is as a child of God, what would I see differently.
So I became a spectator. I watched deeply. I listened intently. Every time that I tried to get all 'judgy' I asked God to help bring me back. The more I watched, the more I liked watching. He is a very smart, fun and loving person to be around.
Once after he came home but before he went back to Sober Living, I was unable to stop myself. "I'm just so worried because I haven't heard you say that you weren't going to drink again." I said with tears rolling down my cheek (extra guilt thrown on top ).
"Mom, I feel bad. I don't want you to cry. But, I can't say that. I don't know that I can say it. So I'm not going to."
Crap. Double crap. I blew it again. "Please Lord help me. I knew better but I just could not stop myself. Help me fix it. Amen."
"I'm sorry." I repeated.
"I don't want you to feel bad because of me." He said.
"I am the one who is sorry. If it weren't you, it would be something else. It's what I do." I said.
He looked surprised. I felt better. It was all true. It was my stuff. We are on this parallel journey. If I can just stay on my path, I think it will all be okay.
These hardships are but lessons on living. I'm praying for us all. And, for Henry, of course.
2 comments:
I hear you. I have said that same thing so many times....we walk very similar journey's, my girl and I.
Love this post. I, too think that I can just love my child out of addiction. I know better than to ask. I even know that if he says, "No, I'm not using", there's a 95% chance he's lying. Most times I bite my tongue. But we are human, and fragile and afraid for our children so sometimes we fail. Important thing is that we are recognizing sooner how to turn our lives over and to MOOB.
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