There is this Chinese Proverb that I've heard many times. The first time that I heard it was in a family intensive out patient session. The story is an important one for families of addicts and alcoholics to understand and more importantly, to accept. I find myself stressing less and instead looking to each thing that happens with curiosity. "I wonder what I am to learn from that?"
The Son lost another person he knew from his first rehab. It was the second person to die in three weeks. The Dad has a coffee drinking buddy who lost his son to cirrhosis of the liver this week. We went to the visitation last night and as this older Dad sat and received each of us his soft touch extended beyond taking our hands as he tried to encourage us that our son still had such great hope.
I misplaced a couple of things of value right after the Son's last visit. My mind instantly went "there". I tore apart my closet and other places trying to find the items that I had misplaced. I was sick. Even though I knew in my heart that our last visit was the most real of any visit we'd had in a long time, I knew that I had to acknowledge that items were missing and he had been here at the same time.
So, I accused him and he denied. I told him that I didn't believe him. He told me to keep looking for them. Nothing new. I was so conflicted, this time. Our visit seemed so genuine. And then, I found one item and then the next. Did I blow it? Will he open up to me again after what I did? What am I to learn from all of this?
Have I mentioned how much I hate this disease? I'm giving it to God. I don't know how to restore what I have broken. I promptly admitted and apologized. But, I hurt his feelings at a time where he was showing vulnerability......exactly what I didn't want to do.
Time will tell but in the mean time, I praying for Henry and all of you.
The Son lost another person he knew from his first rehab. It was the second person to die in three weeks. The Dad has a coffee drinking buddy who lost his son to cirrhosis of the liver this week. We went to the visitation last night and as this older Dad sat and received each of us his soft touch extended beyond taking our hands as he tried to encourage us that our son still had such great hope.
I misplaced a couple of things of value right after the Son's last visit. My mind instantly went "there". I tore apart my closet and other places trying to find the items that I had misplaced. I was sick. Even though I knew in my heart that our last visit was the most real of any visit we'd had in a long time, I knew that I had to acknowledge that items were missing and he had been here at the same time.
So, I accused him and he denied. I told him that I didn't believe him. He told me to keep looking for them. Nothing new. I was so conflicted, this time. Our visit seemed so genuine. And then, I found one item and then the next. Did I blow it? Will he open up to me again after what I did? What am I to learn from all of this?
Have I mentioned how much I hate this disease? I'm giving it to God. I don't know how to restore what I have broken. I promptly admitted and apologized. But, I hurt his feelings at a time where he was showing vulnerability......exactly what I didn't want to do.
Time will tell but in the mean time, I praying for Henry and all of you.
5 comments:
All of us have been there done that. Live and learn, make the apologies and move forward again. That's the only thing that can be done and I know that you know that already.
Yep, been there and done that. It's a terrible feeling but I think our kids, as sick as they are, have such am amazing capacity to forgive. I believe they understand our pain and the array of feelings we go through because of the addiction. The best we can do is say we are sorry, let them know we love and believe in them and then move on.
I'd imagine we've all had that happen -- & when they really didn't steal it, we do feel bad for that being our first thought,..& more so, if we've asked them about it. But - please be gentile with yourself- he really did train you to think that way,....it's just logical, due to past history. Hoping your son keeps going in the right direction.
You know, we aren't expected to do this whole thing perfectly. We are allowed to make mistakes and its not the end of the world. THAT Could be part of your son's learning experience. There is a lot of history that helps us to jump to the conclusions that we often do...I would hope that our kids can understand that. Their past behavior set these things into motion....it takes lots of time and lots of positive experiences to begin to rebuild and heal broken trust. We have forgiven endlessly, extended grace over and over again....its ok for them to have to do it for us every now and then too. Please do NOT beat yourself up over this. ((HUG))
I imagine that when the first things went missing we didn't think they were the ones who took them. After years of training that is just the first place our minds go. Be gentle with yourself.
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