We are Family

My mother had six children.  She grew up during the depression.  She survived a tornado and a flood, each destroying the home that she was living in.  She lived during World War II. One of her children almost died as a baby, one lost an eye in an accident, two boys were sent off to Vietnam one was wounded, one daughter was diagnosed with a cyst in her brain and all of us drove her crazy from time to time.  Her favorite brother was killed in a tragic fire.  She worked very hard all through her life.  She battled diabetes for over half of it.  She was one strong woman.

I remember growing up thinking that I didn't think that I could withstand all of those very difficult times.  She was such a meek, quiet, kind hearted, loving woman.  She never really got too rattled.  She never really threw a fit.  I am sure you are wondering how I could possibly be her daughter.  Growing up I heard over and over the story of how she received the news that my brother had been wounded in Vietnam.  Apparently, she thought that an official only came in person to deliver news if there had been a death, so when a sheriff and a military figure drove down our driveway she ran outside took off her shoes and started throwing them at the officers yelling at them to get off of her property!!!  If you knew just how quiet my mother was, you would really appreciate that story.  She calmed down and profusely apologized when she realized that my brother was wounded, on his way to the states, and would be okay.

I have a cousin that is my age.  She and I spent a lot of time together growing up.  We used to take our scarves off and she would hold one end and I would hold the other across my driveway at Thanksgiving and we would charge admission to all of the relatives so that we could buy penny candy at the Kwik Pik across from our grandmother's house.  We got into all sorts of trouble fun.  She broke her leg on my skateboard that her father told her not to ride...which I encouraged her to ride.  We made up poetry for the "mean girls" that were calling her names.  We went to see Grease four times until her Dad put his foot down.  She was my maid of honor.  I was in her wedding.  Our boys were born three months apart.

Today, we share a lot more than that.  She has two children that fight a lifelong disease.  She and I worry about the scariest thing possible....the health of our children.  We have faced the one thing that no mom ever wants to face.  We have looked the devil in the eye.  We both know what it is like to be frightened to the core.  We both know what it is like to carry the burden of worry day in and day out.  We both want to hope and still struggle to do so from time to time.  We both get caught up in worry so much so that we loose track of the big picture.

That being said, we are BOTH fighters.  We are learning new ways of hanging on.  We are learning new ways to cope.  God is so generous when we really need Him.  When I started blogging, she was one of my most avid readers and still is.  She has understood all of the fears I have.  She has commented on how different and how much the same our situations are.  She has listened and checked on me and been there.  God in His goodness has brought us out of our busy lives back to help support each other.

The really marvelous thing is that not only do we share our fears, but we really can laugh and have a good time.  We both have said that we have seen the scariest thing.  Nothing else compares to the fear of your child being sick.  We're really not so scared of other things that typically would have scared us before.  We've both mentioned (however foolish) that if someone tried to car jack us or break into our houses we'd say "bring it on, buddy,  just try it....see where it takes you."  We're two mad moms who are just looking for a good reason to start swinging!!!  But, we honestly mean it!!

So here we are.  We're becoming our mothers.  But, for us that's a very good thing.  Our mothers were sisters.  They were so close.  They were sweet and funny and I loved watching them together.  I miss them both so much.  We are facing the hardships that they did that we never thought we could face.  Life can be so hard.  She asked today why God thought we were strong enough to take this.  I have to wonder myself.

I don't want to be in this situation.  I know she doesn't either.  But, at the same time, it is here in this scary place, that all of the "crap" is irrelevant.  It is here that what's important becomes crystal clear.  It is here that I really am trying day in and day out to listen for and follow God's will.  That is a gift.

Today I have many prayers of thanksgiving for the gift of family.  I am thankful for the examples of our mom's who fought hard and loved unconditionally and taught us to laugh.  I am thankful that this hardship has given us proper vision to see what is really important and learn to eliminate " the crap"...I am thankful for a loving God who provides support when we need it most.  I pray for my son to be healed, for good health for my cousins children, for those all around us who are living with the disease of addiction.  I pray for all of the souls including Henry who never got the help that they needed.  I ask all of these things in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen

Be Not Afraid

I read today that the words, "be not afraid"  appear in scriptures 366 times.  That is one for each day of the year including leap years.  Apparently, I am not the only one who needs reminding.  But, I do need reminding.....often.  I don't know why but I seem to be unable to let go without fear.  I can let go, I just feel so afraid.  I worry and fret about all of the things that could happen.  I imagine all sorts of bad things.  I am afraid to get my hopes up.  Today, I tried very hard to move beyond these feelings of fear.  So, I reached for some of my favorite books to look for answers.  The first book I looked at began with this scripture:  Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4: 6-7.

I guess that about says it all ....stay in prayer and keep your heart and mind on Christ.  I just keep looking down.  I wonder why it is so hard to keep looking up?  There is a saying that courage is fear that has said it's prayers.  I love that .  Prayer reminds us of God's presence and reminds us to rely on His strength and not our own.  St. John Vianney said that God commands you to pray, but forbids you to worry.  I am lacking in faith.  I keep listening to worries and statistics instead of possibilities and hopes. 

My son is looking for a job.  He is starting from the bottom.  But, he hasn't given up....thanks be to God.  He has a long way to go but today, he is doing okay.  I must shift the way I look at things.  I've really got to start being thankful for what I have.  I've got to really start looking at possibilities...through God.  I've got to earnestly start to pray with blinders on.  I've got to make a priority of living my life with all of this going on.  St. Jerome said that facing our fears and doing our duty in spite of them is an important way of taking up our cross; thus, we can reassure ourselves that in our efforts to be brave, we are actually serving Christ.

I have the power to make this whatever this is either produce something good and positive or negative and fearful.  I have the power to choose.  So, this is my new goal.  It's not all about me.  This affects my whole family.  I must let the light of Christ shine through even this hardship.  So, today that is my goal and my prayer.  I pray for paradigm shift.  I pray for strength.  I pray for Christ to help me to quiet the fears and nagging negative thoughts.  I pray for my son and always for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

PS  Mother Teresa was once asked for her business card.  She thought and thought and this is what she came up with.  Perhaps this will help me and you in our journeys...

The fruit of silence is prayer
The fruit of prayer is Faith
The fruit of faith is Love
The fruit of love is Service
The fruit of service is Peace 

Stay the Course

I can see why one of the most popular sayings in AA and Al-Anon is One Day at a Time.  This is a one step forward two steps back kind of world we live in.  As I pray for direction, I can't help but get the feeling that I need to hold the boundary....stay the course. 

It is so difficult when you want so desperately to trust and yet you know you can't.  I keep looking for signs of the person I knew before addiction.  I miss that person.  I get my hopes up to see him again.  When I think I see a glimmer of him again, it would be easy to just relax a little.  But, I can't.  I have to stay vigilant and remind myself to hold fast to the boundary.

All of this vigilance causes emotional fatigue.  I want to just relax on the couch without worry creeping in to wake me.  I want to plan a Sunday dinner and have all my kids there eating and chatting and fighting over dessert.  I want so much that I may not have for a while.  I'm not giving up on my dreams, I'm just trying to remain patient until they come true.  I believe they will.  I just live in a fast food world where I want it now. 

Mother Teresa is my most favorite (soon to be) saint.  I just love her so much.  She was this no nonsense, plain spoken, straight forward, pushy,holy nun.  I've learned many things about truly living a life according to God's will through her writings.  Prayer was at the center of all that she did.  It must be at my center too.  She felt that God was requesting that she start this new order to go to the poorest of the poor.  She had to get permission from her superiors and when they didn't give her the answer right away, she continued to write and pray and did not give up.  What are the odds that an everyday sister would start a new order in a very poor country with no funding and eventually open a home for the dying, an orphanage and be known world wide?  She just kept her eye on who could do it.  She persisted.  She kept her faith. 

Today, I am looking to Mother Teresa and will try to follow her lead.  Prayer, perseverance and faith will help me to get my second wind.  I pray that my son will learn new healthy habits too.  I pray that he learns to be honest.  I pray that he become the man that God wants him to be.  I pray for the ability to stay the course and as always I pray for Henry. 

Messes, Mistakes and Miracles

The days are so filled with worry.  I don't know how to lay it down.  It is like watching a movie and the foreboding music is playing and you just know that something bad is going to happen.  It is so hard to watch your child, whose mind and thoughts are compromised, make decisions that will be so hurtful to him and not be able to stop it.  Being forced to watch this take place is the hardest thing I can ever imagine doing.  I have no control.  I can only pray. 

So, pray I do.  I am so weary.  My husband is weary.  My girls are weary.  We are consumed with fear at the thought of the possible bad decisions he could be making.  How do we just all keep going, day in and day out,  with the enormous weight of worry from the insanity of addiction? 

In Al anon they teach us to take care of ourselves.  I am trying to do more and more of that but I am not sure that I will ever be able to totally let it go.  I can only hope.  I can only deal with one day at a time. 

When days become so difficult, I pray harder and try to do just one thing...say a load of laundry.  Then I try to do another.  Then, I think well maybe I could get this done.  Soon, in the midst of all of the overwhelming thoughts of possible catastrophes that could occur, on top of all that needs doing, in the midst of my desperately wanting to take to my bed, while in the fetal position, something gets done.  I have a little less to do on my list.  I survived that hour and I did it while accomplishing something. 

My son is on his own.  He is living in an apartment with two other fellas from rehab, who he says are clean.  I say, "he says" because with an addict, you really never know.  He is looking for a job.  He has no car.  We told him that if he used again, there would be no job and no car.  Not from us....ever again.  We mean it.  It is the hardest thing I've ever done.  This could be bad....this could be good.  He decides.  Really, he decided all along.  It's just that my husband and I cannot in good conscience make it easy or convenient for him.  We can't enable him.  This is growing up the hard way 101. I know he can do it.  But, will he?  It is all up to him.  I think that's how it needs to be.  I don't think he will ever get better any other way.  So, here we are waiting.  He tells us he is going to meetings.  He tells us that he is applying for jobs.  He tells us that he has an interview next Tuesday.  We will see.  I pray he is being truthful.  I just don't know.  He says all of the things he knows I want to hear.  This time I will let the proof be in the pudding.  I will wait for his actions to do the talking.  Good or bad, it is all up to him. 

Taking the difficult path isn't a cakewalk, but I don't want you to get the impression that we are living in hell.  Hell is separation from God.  God is with us.   There are little miracles everywhere.  I feel so many things being taken care of that normally I would be busy worrying about.  We are trying to make some major changes in our life.  We are hoping to sell our home and downsize.  We want a simpler life.  We want less to take care of and more time.  It seems that we will begin to work on one detail and while we are working so hard to face this difficult problem with our son, according to God's will,  the detail that we are working on gets taken care of in a fashion we could never imagine.  This has happened over and over.  This is the hand of God.  We are so blessed. 

Today I saw one of those church signs.  We were in the process of donating one of our horses to a therapeutic riding program.  While we weren't using her much, it was a little sad to see her go.  When my husband got a little blue about giving her up, I reminded him that there were too many sad things to consider and that we just needed to focus on changing one thing at a time in the hopes of having a better life down the road.  Then we both saw the sign.  It read, " God makes miracles out of messes and mistakes."  I think it was a sign from God.  You may think I'm a kook.  I'm okay with that. 

Today, I have a prayer of Thanksgiving for so many blessings from God.  I am thankful for friends as near as my street to as far as Israel, who are praying for us.  I am thankful for the comfort and peace that passes all understanding that comes only from God.  I pray for my girls and their healing and comfort.  I pray for my son, that he will learn to be truthful, work hard at his program and be the man God wishes him to be.  And, I pray for my Henry and yours.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen

Breathe.......Focus.....

I am in the situation that can be so painful and frightening that it leaves me unsure of what my prayers should be.  God gives us all free will.  Can I pray for my son to want to go into treatment?  Can I pray for my son to not want to do bad or illegal things to support his habit?  Can I pray for my son to want to get better?  Do I only pray for God's will and the courage to follow that?  Can I pray for my desires?  Jesus asked for this cup to pass from Him but also said not my will but thine.  I guess this will be my prayer.

In one of my very confused fearful wakings, it came to me that I needed to treat this like Lamaze.  Lamaze is a way of having something to focus on and and a way to  breathe in order to relax during the very painful labor and delivery during childbirth.  I decided that my focal point would God's miracles.  This is an effort to increase my faith.  So, when I have a specifically panicky moment, I think, God had Moses part the sea....can you imagine the sea and the strength it has just parting for the Israelites to escape exile?  I imagine Jesus waking the dead?  I imagine two fish and two loaves of bread feeding that huge crowd.  I imagine water becoming wine.  I imagine myself walking on the water of this turbulent storm.  I imagine possibilities.  I imagine miracles.  I hope for miracles.  I hope.  

Now, I am still a nervous and frightened gal.  But, when the grip of fear starts to tighten it's noose around my breath, I go back to what God  can do.  Instead of fears, I see possibilities.  Instead of shutting down, I keep moving.  Instead of lack of direction, I find my way. 

I can only hope that after this long frightening laboriously difficult experience, there will be a new birth.  I hope that my first born will experience new life.  Life filled with faith and family and growth and service to others.  So, today, that is my prayer.  Please guide us through this process.  Please part the seas of addiction so that my son might escape.  Please heal his mind.  Please help him to walk one step at a time into a new life.  Please give us both the courage to not look down.  Please help all those affected with the disease of addiction.  Thank you for holding us close.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen

Falling....Into the Arms of God.

The rubber has met the road.  My son has relapsed and we had to enforce some boundaries.  He has no job or car now.  He was given the option of rehab which he didn't feel like he needed.  So, this is where I have handed my son over to God.  I didn't do it without a substantial amount of begging and pleading.  But, it was not to be.  I know that God takes care of all of our needs.  I'm just so afraid because the addicts mind doesn't belong to him anymore.  It belongs to the great need to use again.  I just don't like all of the places that great need can take him.  I read something that I need to remind myself over and over again, "Today, I can take comfort in knowing that I don't have the power to ruin God's plans."

I also read this quote, "Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task go to sleep in peace.  God is awake."  Victor Hugo

Today I pray for my faith to grow.  I pray for rest.  I pray for guidance.  I pray for my son and for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

My God Has Not Forsaken Me

Boundaries are hard to enforce when you know that if they are crossed and you must stand behind the consequences you put in place that very dangerous things can occur.  But, with an addict, you must stand firm with the boundary or you are then an enabler.  My son relapsed and after much soul searching, my husband and I decided that providing transportation and a job to someone who is actively using, is helping to support that habit.  So, he was given a boundary that if he had a positive drug test, he would lose both of those things.

He was very angry at this information and that scared me, but I had to stick with it or this would not get better.  I know I must stick with this, but,  my fears can take me to some really awful places.  I felt emotionally and physically ill.  I live in a constant state of prayer...begging.  I started to feel like I was in hell and so all alone.  I was really understanding how Jesus said my God my God, why have thou forsaken me.



Then the phone rang and it was one of my fellow Al-anon members called to tell me that she just wanted to start building relationships with the members so she called to tell me that at work, she had established a boundary with a co-worker and had stuck with it.  I said that is great.  I had to establish a boundary with my son, at which point I burst into tears and told her all about our situation.  She confided in me that she had to kick her son out as long as he was using and told me that what she did to cope was to imagine that she was picking him up and placing him in God's hands.  That he was safe with God.  She also told me that her son was doing great now.  He is sober, working and had even received a promotion.  I told her that I thought that God had told her to call me and I thanked her for saying yes to that.

I cannot tell you the relief that brought me.  I decided later to call my son.  He couldn't talk but he was different and told me that he had gone to a meeting last night and was going to one today and he'd call me later.  Thanks be to God.  I did not expect that.  It was a gift.  I know the battle is still long, but I am so thankful for the gift of the lady who called and my son's telling me he was trying again.  It's so miraculous to me how God really communicates with us.  I wonder why I don't have stronger faith.  I am so thankful.

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for those who say yes to God and reach out.  I am thankful that my son is trying to keep up the fight.  I am thankful for a most loving, present God who is taking care, great care, of my son and my family in such a very loving way.  I pray for strength to continue to hold this boundary, healing for my son.  And, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.