The Past Meets the Future

We drove thru Mississippi several times each year when I was growing up.  At Memphis the terrain looked different.  My mother was from Tupelo.  My aunt lived in Jackson.  I loved the beautiful pine trees and the hanging moss trees that dotted the low flat roadways.  Tobacco and corn gave way to cotton and sorghum.  I always wondered about Billie Joe McCalister as I crossed the Tallahatchie River.  The visits with my cousins were fun and a little exotic to a girl from such a small town in Kentucky.  I memorized the drive.

Cousin and I saw the movie "Grease" four times one summer until Uncle found out and put a stop to it!!  We delivered the Clairon Ledger early in the morning wearing shorts and t-shirts and rollers in our hair.  We rode bikes to the pool and ice cream shop and sometimes to Kroger to buy shrimp off a truck that brought it fresh from the gulf each day.

The last time that I made that trip was twenty-seven years ago to be a bridesmaid in my cousins wedding.  The church was a beautiful stone building right across the street from the state capitol building in Jackson.

Big Sister is going to grad school.  She will be a doctoral student at Louisiana Tech University.  The first trip we made, we went thru Arkansas.  It was exhausting.  The second trip, we drove thru Jackson and went west thru Vicksburg on past Monroe to Ruston.  Memories began to flood back into my mind. 

My daughter would travel these same roads that me and my mother did.  She was going as far away from home that the Dad and I did just twenty-nine years ago.  The past was meeting the future.  Wonder how it's all connected?  Does it mean anything?

We moved Big Sister into her apartment.  She hung a mirror on the wall by the front door.  One last glance before heading out to be sure the hair is just right before going out.  But as I caught a glance of myself taking one last load up her stairs I didn't see myself in that mirror.  I saw an older woman that looked an awful lot like my mother.

Time marches on.  Time marches on.  Trying to live in this moment.  Even though my mind is caught up in the past.  In April, all three kids were at home.  We asked the son to leave a month ago.  He is where he needs to be to decide the kind of life that he wishes to live.  Big Sister is making her way far away.  Little sister begins school one week from today.

Our full crazy house will be quiet again.  I am sad and I am glad.  Not sure how to think or feel but going to keep praying. 





 

Ramblings of a Troubled Co Dependent

It's super bowl Sunday and we are expecting our friends and their children in a couple of hours.  It is a low key, no stress kind of entertaining as these friends have been our friends since moving to Tennessee almost twenty years ago and I can say, "this is the food I've planned to make, fill in the blanks...." and it's all good.

The dogs surprise me more and more as time goes by.  Their vocabulary seems to constantly grow.  I mentioned that I was going to go upstairs to the Dad and out of nowhere, they appear, tails wagging ready for an adventure.  They also know breakfast, supper, potty, treat, bone, outside, walk and bath (which sends them into hiding). Come and bad are words that suddenly make them appear deaf.

I often go to the open AA speaker meetings.  It is really enlightening for me to hear their stories.  It helps me to better understand my addicted loved ones.  Their words give me hope. Many times I get a little down when something happens that makes fear rear it's ugly head,  whispering in my ear that things will never change.  But, when I hear the ups and downs in their stories, I can step back and see that "it takes what it takes."  I can see God in their stories over and over again and those stories remind me to get the heck out of the way.

One of the girls from the Homeward Bound program at the jail asked me to help her by giving her a ride to a court date.  I am so hesitant about getting involved.  I have this tendency to know just how to solve the worlds problems go a little overboard to the point that I forget about my own life.  I didn't know whether or not to respond to her text so I began to pray about it by asking God if this need to help was really a product of my pride or if He was really calling me to help her.  It didn't take long until the loud and clear thought that entered my mind was reminding me that her mother had died while she was in jail and her Dad is in Hospice care as we speak.  This twenty-two year old literally has nobody. 

I felt OK about my decision but I have to say that I am concerned that I will go too far.  She kept offering to give me $20.00 to take her.  She has never gone to meetings.  I always try to encourage her to give them a try.  So I said, "if you will go to 6 AA meetings, we can call it even."  She said, "if you will take me, I will go."  Now I am thinking....no screaming, in my head, you are going too far....you are trying to control......  I was sick about it.  I prayed, "Father, I don't know if this is me and my pride trying to fix this or me trying to follow your will....show me what to do." 

We went to the meeting and I must admit that she was not exactly a girl who knew how to pay attention and respect when another is talking and she lacked a few of the "softer skills" so I was nervous.  I thought if this goes bad, there is no one to blame but you.  But, it was really good.  She was so afraid to try it and she was able to see that it was actually good.  I am hoping that she can make some good connections and the program will take over in the miraculous way that it does of bringing in the broken helping them on their journey of self discovery, understanding and healing only to send them out to serve others.

Maybe you can all help me to be accountable by reminding me to  stay out of her way.  Looking forward to winter's end, my friends.  Feeling hopeful and remembering you in prayer.

 

Hell on Earth

The terrible news coming out of Connecticut is terribly mind boggling.  It is impossible for anyone to understand why a person would ever consider harming such a young child.  It is an unfathomable act.  Insanity is not something easily made sense of. 

Another minor story that I heard on the news is the one about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's insane notion of fashion.  This backpack is made from alligator skin and many animal rights folks are not happy.  But, look closer;  it is adorned with prescription pill "ornaments".  And, it's cost is $55,000. 

Am I the only person that finds this not only offensive but threatening?  Why should anyone endorse this as fashion?  To all those kids who might somehow see these girls as role models, what does this bag say to them about prescription drug abuse or misuse? 

Is this another way that someone has decided to attack our kids?  I'm beginning to feel as if we are living in hell on this earth.  How can we, as parents or just a concerned person, stand up against something like this?  For me, I can only point it out to others.  I can call it what it is.  This is an attack, maybe not the quick pointed attack that occurred in Connecticut but the slow subtle sort of thing that after a while begins to take away the shock until it becomes accepted.  Glamorizing something that kills and destroys families is not okay, ever. 

Son leaves the 12 step retreat on Christmas Eve and moves into a recovery house.  He has requested the Dad to pick him up.  I am very pleased.  This is healing.  I'm sure that fear will try to sneak up on us from time to time.  I heard a quote and I don't remember who said it or the exact words but basically said that if you have fear you have no room for faith and if you have faith there is no room for fear. 

Today I am thankful for this new place in life.  I am thankful that our home sold, we're all moved in to a new apartment, son has completed a program and is moving into a recovery house, the girls are doing really well and that we are turning our lives into a new direction.  I pray for all of those suffering in Connecticut, including the shooter's family.  I pray for those suffering from the disease of addiction and any mental illness.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.


 

And the Weather Outside is Frightful....

     I am a world away from my life, at present.  I am in not so sunny southern California while my husband attends his annual continuing education conference.  We left the day after emptying the contents of the home that we raised our children in.  The corrupted home where my son began and continued to use drugs under my very nose.  The home where on October 19th, I left with him in tow to detox in a psychiatric hospital before entering a 12 step immersion retreat, telling him, "you will never come back to this house again," as if the home itself was a cause of this problem.  And, while I know that it is not, I do feel that that house is an ugly reminder of many things gone wrong.  I do know that I would always worry that it would be a trigger for him.

     Not only am I a world away from the life I knew physically, but emotionally and mentally.  The move is a physical change that comes about to mark a lot of interior change happening in the heart and mind of this family.  This trip was one for peace in mind and heart.  It is a trip to begin a practice of letting go of everything to the wisdom and guidance of my heavenly Father.  It is a relief, in fact to have traveled to this place.

    While I have made many steps in the right direction, I have many more to go.  My son's time at this program is creeping ever closer to a close where he will embark on the next, not so safe step, in his recovery.  He will enter a recovery house as soon as he leaves that program.  So, letting go will be tested again very soon.  This has entered the minds of both me and his dad as the dad woke very early this morning to a nightmare of the son coming home high. 

     There is a lot of work to do to travel to the place of "holy indifference".  But, it is the destination.  Today, I am thankful for the sale of our home.  I am thankful that the move is complete.  I am thankful for recovery for our son.  I am thankful for a simpler lifestyle.  I pray for continued recovery for all of our addicted loved ones and as always, I say a prayer for the soul of Henry.

    

 

A Little Lost

  Trust is a detachment from control ( my definition...don't quote me).  I'm having a spectacularly difficult time resting in faith, right now.  My house is exactly one week away from closing, if all goes well.  I sit here typing while waiting on the appraiser to arrive; the last item on the list of things to do before closing.  It makes me a nervous wreck.  Tomorrow we have another showing.  Our realtor does not believe in taking chances and will continue to show it until the ink dries.

Son is at his 12 step immersion retreat and the counselor called saying that he was doing well but moving slowly with regard to the first step.  So, now I'm worrying about that.  Why oh why do I do this?  Someone please tell me how to turn this off.

I want so desperately to do things differently this time around.  As I sit here to write, I start to dig out my feelings and I think that I am afraid to accept the possibility that he might not make it.  I am afraid of totally letting him go back into addiction because if he does, I will not be able to afford to put him in a safe place to recover.  I am afraid of this disease taking him completely.  I am afraid to entertain the thought of burying my son.

There it is, my greatest fear.  And some how, my worrying about the fact that he is struggling with the first step leads me straight to the worst possible scenario.  I wonder if parenting a child who suffers from drug addiction counts for time off in purgatory? 

Today is another day in the desert.  I'm so tired of of the mountains of worry here.  I hate addiction.  I hate feeling so lost.  I know that God has been so good.  I know that I could turn all of this around and look at it from the point of gratitude. 

He is in recovery.  Thanks be to God.  There is a contract on the house.  Thanks be to God.  He is struggling with this first step, but he's got ten other young men there to help him ( and they are trying to teach him to ask for help which they say he has trouble with) and maybe this is one big step in changing the way he does business.  Thanks be to God.

Ignatian spirituality teaches us to have "holy indifference" to anything and everything.  That requires a great deal of trust.  The reason I can't trust that much is because I want it to turn out the way I want it.  I don't trust enough to let go of my will, not all of the time anyway.

So, I sit here a little lost and fearful.  I will continue to pray for courage.  I am thankful for this opportunity for recovery for both son and for myself.  I am thankful for the contract on the house.  I am thankful for good friends and family.  I pray for recovery for all of our addicted loved ones.  And, as always one for Henry.

 

Gossamer Pashminas of Grace

Yesterday was a very low day.  We talked to the counselors at the rehab facility who told us that our son had sunk about as low into his addiction as possible without dying. 

That is a tough blow in and of itself but financially, we are about as low as we've ever been.  Our home is for sale and it has a contract on it.  But, if something happens to stop the sale, we are up a creek quite literally without a paddle.

While I know that throwing money on the situation does not fix the situation, I still want one good opportunity, at least, for him to have a chance at recovery.

I was frozen and feeling numb and quite unsure of what to do when my very artsy fartsy friend said, " just to endure this you have to be swathed in gossamer pashminas of grace."

And, ya know what?  She's right.  Look at this photo:   look at those beautiful hands;   All shapes, sizes, colors, experience, softness,  callouses ............those hands represent protection and prayer, I'm here for you and what can I do.  Those hands started to come to me one by one.  Each one holding onto the next, like trusses in a building, each adding strength.  Until, I feel ......like I'm gonna be okay.  I've got a current of prayer, protection and strength encircling our family.

How did those hands come together?  One friend showed up with a check to loan us the money for almost 60 days rehab.  No questions asked.  More than that, she showed up crying for my son and me.  Another friend offered to fund the remainder of that amount if the house doesn't sell.  A family member is working on getting scholarship money for us.  I've got novenas and other prayers coming from friends and family, 80 Dominican friars, and 6 lovely little inmates at the county jail where I volunteer. 

Those gals also gave me serious pep talks and being recovering addicts themselves, they spent the hour telling me what it is like for the person detoxing and what not to fall for.  They had asked how we found out and I told them about my husband finding him.  I also told them that it was kind of surreal how calm I was this time around.  One of the ladies said to me, " it was because you knew.  Before, you weren't sure.....you were drug testing him....hoping he wasn't but really....you knew."  I think she is right.  They ministered to me.  They are praying for me.

Don't you imagine that God is smiling?   My heart is full.  I may  have a long road ahead, finances may be tight but I am the richest person I know.  Today I am so thankful.  God does provide.....what we need, when we need it.  I am thankful for the gift of friends from every place....my village which I am so thankful and proud to be a part of.  I pray for recovery for our addicted loved ones.  And, as always a prayer for the soul of Henry, my grandpa.
 

The Journey

A chronic disease is like a marathon.  Anyone who suffers from one knows this for sure.  Addiction, I think like cancer or cystic fibrosis, drags the family along in tow.  I have always felt that this is a journey that no one wanted to take.

A journey suggests that this will take us from one place to the next.  And, so it does.  In the beginning I wanted direction from anyone who could help.  Then, I tried employing only the boundaries I discovered in the recovery communities.  Now, I look to my faith to help me out in the gray areas.

I recently met with my friend Lou.  I told her that we (our family) had helped my son "one last time".  She said that she hoped it wasn't the last time.  And when I tried to apologize for something that I'd done with my son, she told me to quit apologizing.  When she instantly, matter of factly (don't know if that's a word) said those words it was as if a 60 lb boulder was lifted from my shoulders.

If he is using, he will go.  If he is trying to recover do I just stay away?  For now, I have decided to go with my intuition.  I have decided to go with prayer.  I am trying to remember that parable of the man forgiving his servant not 7 times but  77 times.  I am trying to remember that loving my neighbor as myself and the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and mind can never steer me wrong.

This does not mean that I'm allowing him to move in, ever or that I will give him money.  It just means that I will not be sorry for forgiving after disappointment or for loving him no matter what he does or where he goes. 

This is my newest milestone.  This is a place where control and fear are not allowed to enter.  This is a place of holy indifference. 

Today, I am thankful for the peace and joy provided when I am at a point where I can no longer keep moving forward without God's grace.  I am thankful for great friends who are pretty good at throwing a tow line.  I am thankful that God is the one doing the heavy lifting on this one.  I pray so hard and without ceasing for healing for our addicted loved ones.  I pray for the miracle of love to engulf them so that a substance will never compare.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

We all Need Hope



There is a lot of heartache in this world.  And, in this community in particular, we have seen, heard, and personally felt a lot of heartache.  So, today, I wanted to share a story of hope with you.  The Dad is a horse vet.  He sees all kinds of horses.  There are beautiful dark warm bloods, thoroughbreds, quarter horses, arabians, morgans, paints, ponies, miniature horses, draft horses, donkeys and mules and many others.


They all have owners....(okay, that is another post).  But, many owners aren't all that equipped to own a horse.  Horses are a big responsibility.  I often say that there are horse people,  there are competitors or collectors of horses and there are folks that like the idea of having a horse.  But, few really and truly just love the animal.

I've got a friend who is to the core, a horseman or maybe horsewoman.  She loves and appreciates them for the creature that God created them to be.  Yesterday afternoon she called in tears because she went to look at a horse to purchase for a lesson horse for her farm and what she found, was pure unadulterated abuse and neglect.  She wanted to know how to go about reporing these folks to the proper authorities.  Later that evening, still in tears, she called to let me know that she had just purchased the horse in the poorest condition.  Her heart is big.

I went to the clinic when they brought him in and this poor guy was surrounded by my friend and five other people from her farm.  The thought that came to my mind was this poor guy went from being in a tiny 4X6 stall with no hay or clean water to having his own personal village of humans to love and care for him. 

This 16.1 hand horse weighed 966 pounds.  His affect was very dull and depressed.  He had sores in his mouth because of the poor quality hay and because his teeth needed a dental.  But, his eyes were so kind.  And, he had not given up.

We keep a big glass jar of peppermints on our counter at the clinic.  When the horse's procedure is over we give him a treat.  My friend opened the jar and began to rattle the celophane wrapper and his eyes lit up and he began to move towards her.  He had been given treats before.  He remembered.

Tonight he can rest in a big stall.  He gets all the hay he can eat.  He will begin to get grain and water and fresh grass.  But, more than that he will be loved.  Afterall, that's all that we all really need right?

I'm posting his picture here, not to shock but so that you will see a starting point.  By the way, my friend looked up his tattoo ( all registered thoroughbreds have a tattoo on their inside upper lip) and found that he shares her daughter's birthday.  As Leroy Jethro Gibbs says on NCIS, "there are no coincidences."

Today I am thankful for the ability to witness the kindness of others.  I am thankful that I had my family together tonight for dinner and a rosary.  I pray for healing for all of our addicted loved ones and as always, a prayer for the soul of Henry.



Now, it all begins....How Marvelous, How Wonderful!

Tomorrow,  I will go to mass and visit with our Lord in adoration before going to confession.  I will do this in preparation and gratitude before Holy week begins.  I love the catholic church.  I love the rhythms and sights and smells of it.  I love the traditions which give me pause...to imagine Christ here, physically and how that must have been. 

And, while I love everything Catholic, in my mind, I still sing a hymn that my very Baptist grandmother would sing around the house...."I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene, and wonder how he could love me a sinner condemned, unclean.  How marvelous how wonderful and my song shall ever be, how marvelous how wonderful is my saviour's love for me."

Sunday is palm Sunday.  The beginning of holy week.  And, my son just came and told me that Sunday, he'd like to join me when I go to a horse show.  He asked when I would like to go and I said, "after mass."  "I'll go with you to mass too,"  he said.  "That will be nice," I say....but my heart shouts...How marvelous....How wonderful is my Saviour's love for me.

I was in the desert a lot last year.  I am fairly certain that it was in direct proportion to my need to be there.  And, just a few days ago I was grieving lost opportunities(see previous post)  that I had given up because my priorities had been misplaced.  I felt utterly heartsick because I didn't think I could rectify the damage I'd done. 

I couldn't.  God can.  I do not know what happened.  I don't know how it happened.  But, last week, I decided that all I could do, from here on out, was let my actions tell my son that I trusted who God created him to be.  It was pretty much just a mental decision that I had made.  I can't recall doing anything as a result of that decision, but..... he changed.  I can't describe it... he just changed.  And just as holy week begins again as it did so long ago, in my heart, I believe that IT is beginning for my son. 

You see for a long time now, well before I knew what my son's problem actually was, my prayer was, "please help return my son to you, first, Father and then to me."  This week, my son has helped me without being asked.  He has been responsible.  He is thinking ahead.  He is calm and quiet.  He has talked to me about his addiction/recovery.  He hasn't asked for anything.  He is pulling himself up.  And, he is doing it by himself because God created this boy of mine for something great.  Maybe it is something that will bring him fame or wealth or maybe he will help those who are the "least of these."  But, it will be great in the eyes of God and that's all that matters.

Today, I have prayers of thanksgiving for the miracles that mark the beginning of my holy week.  I pray for continued growth for my son and for your children.  I pray for continued faith.  I pray for our eyes to be always trained to search for the hand of God in our everyday.  And I pray for Henry.

Lord Hear Our Prayer....

We have very little control...all of us...regarding anything, except our own boundaries and decisions.  So, when our loved ones are sick or they still don't see that substitutuing alcohol for drugs as a problem, all we have is prayer.

In our humaness, it is hard to wait.  It is hard to say, "not my will but yours, Lord."  But, that is what we have.  It seems like very little when we are impatient.  But, we only need the faith of a mustard seed.  So today, in my frail lenten lack of faith, I pray:  "Please guide my son back into your care.  Give him the strength to fight this disease.  Please help increase my faith.  And I pray for the soul of Henry."

My Unfolding Mystery

I love a good mystery.  Growing up, I liked "Murder She Wrote" and "Perry Mason".  But, they became too easy to figure out.  Then I moved on to John Grisham.  I loved his earlier books.  The twists and turns kept my eye on all possible suspects and scenarios.  Now, I live the ultimate mystery.  I guess it's a good thing that God gave me a desire to l try to unravel them.

I used to think God created a grand plan for me.  I'm sure it involved fame and fortune. Thank goodness I was given an opportunity to look beyond that mindset.  About two years ago, I had the wonderful opportunity,during the coldest part of February, to go visit neighbors who have a winter home in Arizona.  February is a slow time for my husband's business so I had limited funds for my trip.  But, my neighbor had a little convertible all ready for me to drive while I was there. 

I arrived just days after an exhausting few weeks.  My entire family and my husband's secretary had gotten the swine flu.  Thankfully, it came in shifts.  But, for about a two week period, I had to cover at least two other people's jobs.  On top of that, it had snowed and that made taking care of the horses an even bigger task.  I left my home praying for my flight to not be cancelled due to weather.  I landed in 65 degree sparkling sunshine.  It was all I could do to not lay down and kiss the ground.

My marvelous neighbors told me to come and go as I pleased.  They told me to eat there or eat out.  It was my vacation.  The first day I got that little convertible out and put the top down, while wearing a jacket (dessert mornings are cold) and drove off to breakfast.  .

 I then drove off to Phoenix to have lunch with a colleague.  It was an hours drive and the sun was sparkling.  There in that little car, on the interstate driving through the dessert, I talked to God.  I mean that I discovered him there.  I felt him in the sun.  I felt his power in the wide open space.  I felt the peace of the dessert.  I truly felt like this would revive me.  It could help me to survive hard times.  It would rest my fatigue.  It would give me vision.

Everyday there, I noticed God a little more.  I felt strengthened for what lay ahead.  If anyone asked me what I did on that trip, I'd have to say that I spent a little time with God. 

Five months later, I would face the fact that my son suffered with addiction.  At first, I kept looking to the past.  I kept trying to figure out what I'd done wrong.  My list was too long to list here.  Then, I kept bargaining with God to let him recover and not relapse. 

Then, I joined Al Anon.  I found God in that little church basement with an eclectic collection of people.  The more I got to know them, the more I saw the touch of God.  They encouraged me to take care of myself.  I was there to work on me.  It was the only person I had control over.  This was such a hard task.  I had spent 22 years of my life taking care of my family.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

My prayer began to be for God to show me who he created me to be.  Little by little, he shows me a little more.  It is so exciting.  There is no grand revelation that I'll be rich or famous.  I'm just learning the joy in the everyday.  I'm also amazed at how taking care of myself is teaching my family to do the same.  It is time for them. 

My son went on a tirade about how he was so angry with the counselor for telling us to cut off contact with him.  He kept telling me how hard and upsetting it was.  I just listened.  After about thirty minutes, he said,"But, I learned a lot."  I said to him, " I don't regret doing it for even one moment."  "I think it might have saved your life."  He didn't argue.

Did you see that coming?  Not me.  I love these numerous little mysteries unfolding before my eyes.  Because I am leaning on God, he gives me the words and the timing with which to use them.  It doesn't take the grand gesture.  It doesn't have to be on my time.  It's like sitting on the sofa so curious for what the next scene would bring. 

It wasn't easy getting here.  I had to come to the place where I was willing to give God my son, no matter the outcome.  That is a big step for any mom.  If this hadn't worked out this way, I know that God would have given me what I needed to handle it. 

I'm so thankful for a change in perspective.  I pray that you will have the courage to look for God in the everyday and trust him with everything you love.  I pray for all those who suffer from fill in your blank. I pray for an increase of faith, a daily examination of conscience, and an effort to make amends where possible.  And, as always I pray for Henry.

The Wisdom of Mary

Today is one week before Christmas.  I find myself struggling a lot lately.  I think it is because I am like a spiritual two year old.  While it is great to have childlike faith, I'm fairly certain that the immature selfish feelings I have are not something I should aspire to.  I want my son to go to rehab and I want it now.  I have been stamping my foot in prayer thinking that I should have my son at least hit bottom and want the treatment by Christmas.  Then, I switched to, I don't even know what or how to pray for my son so I'll just take to the recliner, dogs on my lap and ignore my life.  Then, I got mad and decided to start a fight with anyone who I felt contributed to the drug culture in anyway (see previous post).  You see I am the child who left the room when she didn't get her way, then decided to throw a fit for attention to get her way.  God is patient.  He didn't yell at me.  He just waited for me to wind down and be ready to listen.  Now, I am asking, "what do I do now?"

First, I read a blog about advent.  I learned for the ___th time that this season is about me pushing through all of the inconsistencies of my life, dealing with my sinful nature and most importantly, I need to wait.  Then I went to mass.  After mass I was reading about praying.  This article that I read discussed all of the effective ways to pray.  It mentioned the importance of private prayers, prayers we know from childhood, those we read and most importantly, the rosary.  Mary can ask for us the things that we need.    When I pray, I typically ask for what I want, without little regard for what's best.  I may throw in an obligatory, "if it be your will."  I may even mean it sometimes.  Other times, if I am totally honest, I am saying it, hoping that because I've said that, then I will be granted my desires.  It is such a struggle.  How foolish is it,  that I am trying to manipulate God.

When Mary had a problem, she pointed it out.  She didn't tell Jesus how to fix the problem.  No, she knew that she didn't have the supernatural vision that he did.  She had such complete faith, that his way would be so much more than any solution she could come up with.  At the wedding in Canaan, she simply pointed out that they were out of wine.  She didn't say, so send a few fellas after more.  She didn't say, be sure they get this kind or that kind.  She pointed out that the wine was gone.  Jesus not only replenished the wine, but he made sure that it was the best wine.  Why can't I quit telling him to send my son to rehab?  I really want that complete faith.  I'm trying.

Today my prayer is this, my son is a drug addict.  My son is chose drugs over you, Lord, over his family, over everything.  My son is living such a dangerous life.  I am so fearful.  I miss him.  Please help him.  Please help us.  Please help me to hear your words, live your will and help grow my faith.  I also pray for all others who live with addiction.  And as always, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

The Wait

We've let go.  Now we wait.  Waiting requires taking no action.  It involves quiet anticipation of the unknown.  It involves continuing to live our lives as normally as we can minus one family member.  It is a little sad as we approach the holidays.  It is a little relief to not continue to fight a losing battle.  It is what it is.....whatever that is. 

Prayer is my source of strength.  It is all I have and probably all I had all along.  Yesterday on Oprah, she did a story on a healer in Brazil, who others refer to as John of God.  He sees thousands of people each day, three days a week.  He takes no money as he says that he isn't doing anything, only God.  She had a scientific journalist and a medical doctor from Harvard on the show.  Both guests had been to visit this man while he was healing others.  Both guests came away with different views.  They both felt that there is so much in life that we can't see.  So much that we can't measure or explain.  I have no doubts.

Prayer is just such a thing.  It can't be understood, measured or seen.  But it's power is huge.  It's healing is unexplainable.  So, while I wait, I pray.  I pray with faith.  I pray for what God wants in this situation.  I know what he wants will be so much better than what I can imagine.  I have stopped looking at the usual routes.  I have stopped expecting the usual prognosis.  I am expecting far greater.  My faith is intact.  I just pray for patience.

On this day, I am thankful for the quiet peace that only God gives.  I am thankful for all of the support that surrounds me and my family.  I pray for God to return my son to Him first and me second.  I pray for those who are sick and suffering.  And, as always, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Breathe.......Focus.....

I am in the situation that can be so painful and frightening that it leaves me unsure of what my prayers should be.  God gives us all free will.  Can I pray for my son to want to go into treatment?  Can I pray for my son to not want to do bad or illegal things to support his habit?  Can I pray for my son to want to get better?  Do I only pray for God's will and the courage to follow that?  Can I pray for my desires?  Jesus asked for this cup to pass from Him but also said not my will but thine.  I guess this will be my prayer.

In one of my very confused fearful wakings, it came to me that I needed to treat this like Lamaze.  Lamaze is a way of having something to focus on and and a way to  breathe in order to relax during the very painful labor and delivery during childbirth.  I decided that my focal point would God's miracles.  This is an effort to increase my faith.  So, when I have a specifically panicky moment, I think, God had Moses part the sea....can you imagine the sea and the strength it has just parting for the Israelites to escape exile?  I imagine Jesus waking the dead?  I imagine two fish and two loaves of bread feeding that huge crowd.  I imagine water becoming wine.  I imagine myself walking on the water of this turbulent storm.  I imagine possibilities.  I imagine miracles.  I hope for miracles.  I hope.  

Now, I am still a nervous and frightened gal.  But, when the grip of fear starts to tighten it's noose around my breath, I go back to what God  can do.  Instead of fears, I see possibilities.  Instead of shutting down, I keep moving.  Instead of lack of direction, I find my way. 

I can only hope that after this long frightening laboriously difficult experience, there will be a new birth.  I hope that my first born will experience new life.  Life filled with faith and family and growth and service to others.  So, today, that is my prayer.  Please guide us through this process.  Please part the seas of addiction so that my son might escape.  Please heal his mind.  Please help him to walk one step at a time into a new life.  Please give us both the courage to not look down.  Please help all those affected with the disease of addiction.  Thank you for holding us close.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen

"Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt?"

One step forward, two steps back.  I am so fearful of change.  I always expect it to be bad.  Why can't I just trust?  Why do I always assume that because from my very limited vantage point, I can't see a good outcome, that a good outcome isn't there.  My faith is still and I fear will always be in an infantile stage. 

Today, I went to mass, heavily burdened, worried and back to my old ways.  God in his goodness gave me just what I needed.  The readings were about the apostles asking Jesus to increase their faith. God doesn't really ask a lot of us.  We only need the faith of a mustard seed.  That's really not that much.  It's really a good thing.  When you compare my fear (lack of faith) with my faith, well it isn't a very balanced image.  The priest today said something that really seemed to help.  He said that if we take our eyes off of our weaknesses and place them in God's strengths, we can find hope.  That's what we all need.  Of course if I continue to look at my abilities, I will be fearful.  Why can't I remember to look at what God can do.  It's because I tried to take over control again.  I tried to snatch it right back again, and it took me ......two steps back. 

Peter and I have a lot in common.  We said to Jesus, if you command me to.......walk on water (in Peter's case) or give up control of my son ( in my case), I will.  Peter seeing the strong wind, and I seeing all of the problems that could occur, both began to sink and today, I cry out Lord, save me.  This is the time that I am reminded that I have little faith and need to pray for our Lord to help increase my faith and to help me use the faith that I have. 

My son has moved out of the half way house and into an apartment.  This is a next step.  Now, he has to make all of his decisions.  Good or bad, they are his.  There is all of this freedom.  It scares me to death.  When I recently told him my fears he said, "Mom I can't do anything about my history."  I don't think any of us can.  I think that all we have are the decisions we make today.  So, the decision I'm making today is to say, Lord, I give you my son....help me to let go. 

Today, my prayer is for an increase of faith.  It is for God to silence my imagination and help me to hear the words that he has for me.  I pray for my son and for the disease he battles.  I pray that my son opens his heart and ears to the will of God and the courage to follow it.  I pray for all of those who aren't yet fighting this battle that they may have the courage to start.  And especially today, I pray for Henry.