Draw What You See

Sirens racing past.  Two police cars, another unmarked and one ambulance.  I'm picking up dinner as I see them pass, wondering what could be going on in our small town.  The ten o'clock news reveals that there is a hostage situation at our county jail.  It is the same county jail that I have volunteered at for the last five years.  It is where I will be in just a few short hours.

A local detective who has worked closely with animal control has been placed on administrative leave without pay, pending investigation of misconduct.  My husband has worked with him for years.  He has always respected him. 

In high school, I took an art class.  I wanted desperately to be an artist.  But, I could not draw.  I was a serious coloring book aficionado, growing up.  But, drawing left me frustrated.  In our very first class, the teacher gave us each a huge sketching pad and pencil, placed an object in the front of the room and said, "draw what you see." 

That was it.  As she walked around the room, I stopped her and said, "I just can't seem to do this."  She looked at me and smiled, "draw what you see."  And that is all that I got for the rest of the year.

It wasn't until I began to write and I was told, "Don't tell me, show me", that I started to understand my problem.  As I began to put on paper what I actually saw, separating it from the way that I felt, I realized how often I saw with my head instead of my eyes. 

What do I actually see?  How has my perception colored what is?

A friend posted her son's " one second movie" on Facebook.  There is an app where you record one second each day for a year and then it creates a movie from your collection of one second videos.  It was so interesting that I decided to buy the app and make my own movie.  My friend's son is a professional; not only was his movie very good, he made it look easy.

He pointed out that this app, helped him to look for the good in each day.  It's true.  I am more observant.  I am always on guard for that moment--a second that is worthy of interest. But, for me, it also helped me to see that a random moment probably isn't so random.

And, perhaps I am learning that what I see has many more layers.  And, separating what I see from what I feel has tremendous value.  Maybe that is why I write.  Maybe seeing with my head and my heart are just as important to the story.  Maybe that is why I have so many questions. 

As the mother of a recovering addict and alcoholic, staying in each moment and realizing that I can't "see" beyond what is within the scope of my vision or the confines of my heart and mind has given me tremendous freedom.  It also helps me to be responsible with my moments--my seconds of each day that all too often, I tend to take for granted.

This post may be a bit random.  But, sometimes these seemingly arbitrary moments won't leave my thoughts.   When that happens, I usually know that there must be a nugget of value in them.  Why did my mind tie advice from a high school teacher to yesterday's news and a friend's FB post? 

To me this is fascinating.  It is a part of why I love to write.  I hope that you will capture what is special about your day and unearth what the moment has for you to learn.

Feeling grateful for the lessons learned in recovery and this community.  I'll take time today to pray for Henry--yours and mine.





 

Saying it Out Loud....

Most every day, I read a daily reading from the series In Conversation With God by Francis Fernandez.  I love those readings so much.  They help me to better understand the day's liturgy.  The author refers to a lot of quotes by St. Josemaria Escriva.  So, I decided to start reading some of his writings.  My best friend is "in the know" about most all things Catholic and of all books Catholic.   She hooked me up with a lot of his books and told me that he was kind of tough!  His writings are a collection of sacred scripture blended with personal reflections from his life and experiences of others.  His most famous book, The Way, is divided into chapters on topics such as charity, interior struggle, the will of God, etc.  Then under each chapter you will find numbered snippets of practical advice.

I'll just call my friend Sue.  Sue says each snippet should be followed by the phrase, "you slacker" or some other such fitting phrase.  For example,  on the topic of character:  "Maturity.  Stop making faces and acting up like a child!  Your bearing ought to reflect the peace and order in your soul. "   You can see how fitting it would be  if you were to end that snippet with "you slacker"  Josemaria does not mince words.  I think I would have really gotten along with him quite well.  My Dad was one for brutal honesty.  Sometimes when I was young and I would go around with him to his rental properties, I would just cringe with his straight forward manner.  Today, at 48 years old, I see myself more and more like him and it happened before I knew it.

Lately, I've questioned why I am considered the bad guy for telling the truth.  I've questioned the way in which I deliver the truth and I know that sometimes I'm a little blunt.  But, other times I feel as though the truth is the truth and there is no way to make it pretty if it is not what someone wants to hear.

"You never want "to get to the bottom of things." At times because of politeness.  Other times because you fear hurting yourself.  Sometimes again, because you fear hurting others.  But always because of fear!  With that fear of digging for the truth you"ll never be a man of good judgement." St. Josemaria Escriva.

We are taught to tell the truth...sort of...but many times we are rewarded for dancing around it.  My son's addiction made this quote a reality for me...

"Don't be afraid of the truth, even the though truth many mean your death."

Saying the "A" word out loud did not make it real.  It made me face it, accept it, and deal with it.  Failure to acknowledge does not control anything......nope it allows for things to continue to be out of control.  So, I'll continue to edit my words so that I do not make personal comments but I think I want to continue to be like my Dad.

Today, I am thankful for the courage to finally confront the truth.  I am thankful for those tough saints like Josemaria Escriva and Mother Teresa (Blessed) and I am thankful for a Dad who modeled the hard stuff for his kids.  I pray my son to learn to be courageous enough to accept the truth of his life long condition and to continue to fight.  I pray for all of your sons and daughters, husbands and wives and any loved one facing the demons of addiction.  And, as always, a prayer for the soul of my grandfather, Henry.

My New Normal

I met with some friends over the weekend, from high school.  We are planning our 30th high school reunion.  What is it about 30 yrs that seems so old?  They began asking me how my kids are and what they are up to and what I've been up to.......I never know how much to say or where to go with that question.

Today I went to the pool.  I was enjoying the sunshine reading Melody Beattie's newest book, Playing it by Heart.   When I got in the pool to cool off, I ran into a mom that I hadn't seen since my son was in about the fourth or fifth grade.  Her youngest son was in his class.  She too, asked about my kids.  I learned that her youngest just graduated college and is about to start his masters degree. 

She asked what I was up to and I said, "just reading and enjoying the sunshine."  She asked what I was reading and I said , "oh, Melody Beattie's newest book."  She said she didn't know who she was but her friend did.  I finally said, " she writes about addiction and codependency."  This is where there is the awkward silence until she masterfully changes topics. 

I used to have such a heavy heart when these situations arose.  Now, I really don't but I do hate it when others feel awkward and I don't know how much to really get into.  It's just hard to know how to proceed. 

Just how much to do you tell?  How far do you go?  I know it depends on the situation but sometimes, like at the pool, I get into it without meaning to.  This life is my new normal.  But, for others it is not. 

I really like the new book, by the way.  I got a call from my son who pleasantly surprised me by telling me that he had met up with a friend from rehab and had gone to an AA meeting.  It was a good day;  a nice surprise.

Today I am thankful for the growth that doesn't have me feeling sorry for myself.  I am grateful for the wisdom of others.  I am thankful for those who care.  I pray for my son and all of your sons and daughters, husbands and wives or friends, that they may realize God's will for them and have the courage to follow their dreams.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

History Revisited

I am turning into my mother.  All through my life, I've gone to the doctor and filled out those medical history forms and been checked for all sorts of problems common to my family history.  Just like an addict who feels invincible, I too feel like yes,  maybe later in life I would experience some common health problems that other family members have had, but for now, I can do what I want.

But, here I am at 47 years old, diabetes, high blood pressure and rapid heart rate and my  gall bladder came out this summer. It feels a little like those awkward teenage years where your body starts making these crazy changes taking you into adulthood, out of your control and a little scary.  I know I have control over diet and exercise but not my genetic makeup. 

I guess I got a wake up call.  Maybe this is my personal bottom.  Maybe this will be the time that I take my health seriously.  Maybe not.  Maybe it will take something more serious.  I can relate to the addict in many ways. 

What I do know is that food is my drug of choice.  I do know that when I don't have time to stay connected spiritually, I slip.  I do know that when I try to do things on my own, I slip.  I do know that when life gets so busy and harried and I stop listening to the warning signals that my body gives, I not only slip but trip and tumble, head over heels to the bottom.

My mom died from the complications of diabetes.  She was on dialysis.  We were told how much better she'd feel when she went on dialysis and she did for a week or two but after that it was all down hill.  She died after 8 months.  Dialysis is life support.  But, not much living went on while she was on it.  I don't know that I'd ever choose dialysis.  But, here I am a little scared because high blood pressure and rapid heart rate damage your eyes and your kidneys. 

Will I ever learn?  Will our addicts ever learn?  I guess the common denominator here is the fact that both me and the addict don't deal with our problems.  We just cover them up for the short term instead of dealing with a long term solution.  Knowledge doesn't equal acceptance or the courage or due diligence to use the information. 

Today I pray for the strength to do what I need to do.  I pray for Lou and Andrew and the Dad.  I pray for my son and all of your sons and daughters.  I am thankful for your knowledge and wisdom that I count on reading daily.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

Just Tell the Truth....damn it!

I've just discovered this new blog written by a recovering addict. The author's aim is to bring into focus the seriousness and epidemic nature of this disease.  The post is both informative and beautifully written.  After reading the very first post, I was sold because she addressed  the one part of addiction that frustrates me the most......TRUTH! 

Lying becomes part and parcel of an addicts life.  The odds of getting a straight answer from an addict are worse than hitting the powerball.  The web of lies confuse and distort my thought processes.  It is so refreshing to have naked honesty.  I would rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty little lie any day of the week because truth is truth.  It is what it is.  It will not go away.  It will eventually come out and when it does trust is broken......again. 

I'm fed up with lies.  Nobody is perfect.  I don't expect anyone to be.  But, I do expect truth.  I deserve it.  We all do.  My son deserves it and so I will give it to him.  No lies in my home, anymore.  I won't live with the whirling debris of addiction. 

Please check out http://genrxation.blogspot.com/  I was so impressed by it.  The first post is so good. 
Today I am thankful for those recovering addicts who light the way for anyone affected by this disease.  I am thankful for their courage and example.  I pray for all those who still struggle.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

The Cat Can't Go Back in the Bag....

Addiction formally introduced itself to us this time (within 6 days) last year.  It had been there for quite a while, we just learned it's name.  A lot has happened since that time.  A lot of good; a lot of bad.  It is hard to hear things that you never want to learn.  It is hard to hear just how long recovery takes.  It's hard to accept that life can't be "Rockwellike".  But, it's not and it does. 

I remember going to my first AlAnon meeting and being both relieved and scared.  I was in a room with people who are dealing with addiction for the long haul.  That seemed so daunting.  But, they also gave me some incredible tools. 

Step one all by itself can move mountains.  Learning that God is the only one in control seems so obvious and yet I think few of us really believe it.  We don't understand the tentacles of control we all have and try to use.  When I finally started to understand this concept, it was a relief in a way. 

The 12 step program made me go in search of who I really am.  It allowed me to respect myself more as God's creation.  It made me less tolerant of status quo.

So, in honor of this milestone in my life, I move forward again to try to live in the best way possible by seeking counseling.  There is a little fear.  Like last year, it's difficult to face the hard stuff.  It's like getting on the scales after Christmas.  But, it is an effort to try to deal with this last part of my life in the most honest and healthy fashion possible.  I know so much more now.  I know now that when I get those intuitive twinges, it is dangerous to ignore them because you are afraid of what they mean.  It is always best to deal with things truthfully. 

Addiction has been my  wake up call.  It has made me do a lot of questioning in my life.  I now know that family is the reason I'm here.  I now know that my children (adult children now) are still the best gifts I've ever received.  I now know that I am willing to do whatever God wants me to do in order to follow His will.  I just don't know, practically speaking,  how to get there.  So, today, I go before an impartial person and ask for help and clarity.  I can't ever go back to living on the same path that brought me to this place. 

There are other options.  We just have to be willing to take them.  Despair isn't an option anymore.  It is wrong and suggests that I don't trust God to make this better.  My best friend gave me a kick in the backside and got me to look at those dangerous thoughts. 

Today I am thankful for surviving this most difficult year.  I am thankful that we aren't in the same place as last year.  I pray for clarity in following God's will.  I pray for the patience to remember to take my journey "one day at a time".  I pray for all of you affected by the disease of addiction.  I pray for my family's growth and I pray for Henry, as always.

Authenticity

When we started dealing with addiction, we started to really learn about authenticity.....truth.  Truth mattered like never before.  Truth about who my son is, who I am, why I'm here, what God expects of us, why we find ourselves in this place, what we've done wrong etc.  Truth isn't just about if I answer someone honestly.  Truth isn't just about telling my son the hard things.  Truth is layered and layered in our lives.  If I don't know who I really am....who God created me to be; how can I possibly know how I feel about things, what things matter to me? 

One element of truth that I struggle with now is when I have a concern that comes from a feeling and not evidence, I am afraid of bringing up my concern because I don't want to constantly doubt my son and I want so desperately to trust him again, but the truth is....I'm still afraid.

My son has made me so proud lately.  I should be shouting it to the rooftops and I won't yet....because of fear.  Because addiction takes a long time to heal from. 

Then, there's my son.  Addicts lie.  I've heard it over and over and over again.  Even recovering addicts are so programmed to lie from their previous need to use, that it is a hard habit to break.  Sometimes, now I can see him, visibly catch himself and tell me the truth...something usually that he thinks I might not like to hear.  This is a baby step.  But, a counselor told my husband that it takes about two years for the lying to stop.  So, for another year and two months, I am afraid. 

Honestly, I will probably always carry some level of fear around.  Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life."  In my endeavor to learn who Jesus is and how he chose to live while on this earth, maybe I will be given insight into all matters of truth.  I have so much to learn. 

I love a good mystery and sometimes the parables are great mysteries to me.  Let's face it, I don't remember a parable about dealing with an addict in the Bible.  I'm sure a better scholar then myself will point it out for me.  But, today, I am struggling with truth.  Because when I am afraid, my need to know is based on MY fear and not because I am the truth police and it is my noble job to enforce. 

So, advice, anyone?  I need help and insight.  I need a reminder of what and how to be.  I need a rule of thumb, a guide.  I need help.  And, I pray for it daily.  Today, I am thankful for the progress my son has made so far.  I am thankful for our new painful changes.  I also pray for the patience to deal with those new painful changes.  I pray for wisdom and truthful understanding.  I pray for this country to wake up and sense the need to pay closer attention to this disease.  I pray for God's will and as always, a prayer for Henry.