Coexist

Coexist is defined as the the ability to live at the same time and at the same place; to live in peace with others. 

Lately, one of my greatest challanges has been trying to take all of the ideas I've learned and LIVE them.  But, because I tend to be an "all or nothing" kind of girl, I've had a lot of problems balancing this new information.

There are so many good sources of information out there for addicts/alcoholics as well as for the family member.  AA and Al Anon meetings are everywhere. 

Melody Beatty is a great writer on the subject of recovery.  Not only is she a recovering addict, she began counseling those"whiney" family members and in the process began to explain what codependancy looks like in everyday actions.  She began to understand family memebers behaviors while becoming  personally involved in those she counseled.  She became codependent.
She has seen both sides of that coin.  That kind of insight is valuable. 

The twelve step program is  proabably the greatest tool at the addict/alcoholic's disposal.    I began researching the Catholic connection to the twelve step program which  led me to the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius.  Then, I look at the "why" of a person's need to medicate.  And, I find at the heart of it all a need for love and a need to belong. 

This is where my ADD mind is struggling.  How do these ideas coexist in my life?  How do I focus on my own life, remain tough regarding my boundaries and still show love?  It is like I am able to be tough when I need to be tough.  I know how to show love,  when I show love, but how do I show love while being tough? 

This is such a balancing act.  My fear of relapse (disguised most of the time as anger) is always just below the surface  waiting to boil over and erupt in an angry less than loving kind of feeling at most any moment. I know this is where I must detach and find my own happiness, but, hopes get raised and having moments without fear are such a gift that the idea of going back down that ugly place just pisses me off.

So, here I am with swirling disorganized, out of control thoughts jumbling around in my brain.  I feel so out of sorts.  This is where I need to slow down and pray for direction.  Today, a prayer of Thanksgiving(always give thanks first) for all of the tools readily available to us.  Then a prayer for clairty and guidance.  And a prayer for your addict and mine and as always for Henry.

Keep Fighting....

My mother had 19 grandchildren.  And, out of those 19, at least 5 of them have been affected by the disease of addiction.  It is not a simple disease; it's reaches are far and wide.  Yesterday, one of my family members had surgery (back surgery) and will obviously need pain killers.

 I went to see him and his behaviour was just like my son's behaviour when he had surgery last summer (before we knew of his addiction).  They both had almost a panicked reaction to the idea of pain.  It was their singular thought.  For the family members around, it was our singular thought.....watch out for those pain killers. 

I went out into the hall and his nurse was there.  I said, "do you know that he is a recovering addict?"  "Yes, she said."  "My son has the same issue and it seems that they are so afraid of pain."  "Yes", she said, "but not the pain you think, they are afraid of the pain from withdraw."  "It is the most awful form of pain."  I hate addiction.  I hate what it does to our kids.  I hate that pharmaceuticals profit so handsomely from them.  I hate that there is always a doctor willing to write those scripts.  And, I hate that regulation could occur and probably never will.....because of money.

I'm proud of my family member.  He let me give him the stern talk.  He knew I was fighting for him.  But, his is a minute by minute struggle right now.  I left feeling the weight of the fight addiction places upon us.  So, I began to pray.  I was reminded of a time when I said confession to a Father of Mercy priest.  He told me that his mother told his brother that she never offered to drag him out of the bars, because that was a fight she couldn't fight.  She fought for him on her knees. 

So today, I ask you to join me in prayer to fight for my family member and yours.  Venerable Matt Talbot (my profile picture) fought his addiction cold turkey and by going to mass everyday.  He is a patron of alcoholics and addicts.  So, I ask for him to join us in praying for our loved ones.

"God of mercy, give your strength to (name) who is bound by the chains of addiction.  Enfold him in Your love and restore him to sobriety.  Lord, look with compassion on all those who have lost their health and freedom to alcohol and drugs.  Restore to them the assurance of your unfailing mercy, and strengthen them in the work of recovery.  To those who care for them, grant patient understanding and a love that perseveres.  Amen"

Our best hope....prayer....always.  Today, I will pray for my family and yours to never give up and I will always pray for Henry.

Conquer Self

There are so many changes going on that I can't seem to catch my breath.  My youngest is going to graduate high school soon.  My son is anxiously awaiting a new job/apprenticeship with the iron workers union.  My house is for sale.  I've changed jobs.  But, the most profound change is the way that I look at life. 

On Friday the 13th (appropriate right?), I will turn 47 years old.  And, I feel this since of urgency in "getting it all in".  There is so much that I want to do that I don't know where to start.  I feel impatient and want it all now!!  I can't  create any sense of order out of my swirling ideas...

So, I must learn to plan under God's direction.  As I study the Spiritual Exercises, I get little nuggets to guide this phase of limbo that is my life.   I am learning that planning means looking back at mistakes and confessing them and making penance for them.  It means apologizing, if necessary.  This takes away distractions so that I can honestly focus and it helps me to learn to avoid future stumbles of the same sort. 

Next, I must allow for "quiet time" each day with God both in meditation and prayer.  For me, this "talk less/listen more" tactic has been long overdue.  When I listen, a lot of useless "self talk" seems to evaporate and I am supplied with the ideas that really need my attention.

I also must look at the parables and imagine myself there and use my senses while doing this.  This has been so good because it teaches me in a practical sense how Jesus handled situations.  This exercise begins to help you see the parables that are present in your life everyday. 

Conquering self is the goal of the Spiritual Exercises so that you live in accordance to God's will.  I think conquering self is the most efficacious vaccine available to combat drugs/alcohol and a host of other problems we create when we see things as the world does instead of how God does.

My life has been hard this year.  I think I could have easily given up on many occasions.  But, God in his goodness has given me the kick that I needed to get up and fight.    I am so thankful.

Today, I am thankful for the progress made.  I pray for wisdom and guidance for the days ahead.  I pray for my son and your loved one to find the fire inside that God has given them.  I pray for all those who are just beginning the journey into sobriety....may the hold strong and keep fighting.  And I pray for Henry.

Find to Your Roots....

I am terribly fascinated by the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius.  In fact, I'm going to start studying them with my priest (thank you Father).  And, now that this has caught my attention, I see bits and pieces of it everywhere.  It's a little like when you are pregnant and suddenly you see all things baby that never caught your attention before.

The twelve step program teaches that you accept that you aren't in control and you rightfully turn that over to God.  The steps teach you to take care of yourself and to start discovering who YOU are....not whose spouse or child you are, not whose mother you are, but who you are once you DETACH from all other things.  It also teaches us to take inventory of our wrongs and to try, when possible, to rectify them. Finally, that instruct you to find a way to serve others.

The spiritual exercises teach us to do many of those same things, but in a creative, contemplative way.  So, I've started my own new inventory control plan.  In addition to reviewing the day from the perspective of how well I followed the ten commandments, now I go through the senses.  What did I see today that was beautiful?  What smelled so wonderful or delicious?  What made me feel really good or excited...either physically or emotionally or mentally?  What sounds made my heart sing?  What tasted so fresh or restorative?  What curiosities am I dying to experience?

I often ask my married girlfriends, What would (first name, maiden name) like/ do.  And, most of them respond in the same fashion....I don't even remember her....That is so sad.  When I say detach from other things, I don't mean the family...I mean detaching from finding joy, happiness and security FROM our families.  We should still find those things from within.  When we do this, we model for our family, the fact that we are trying to use our gifts.  We are modeling an appreciation not only for the gifts from God, but we reinforce the fact that we continue seeking them.  And, in the process, guess who/what we find?

I love the dulled light we see through sheets of rain on the springtime verdant pastures.  I love using almost swear words to make a point....Dhat blasted.... Yesterday, I made homemade chicken soup for my sick kids and when I walked back in the house, that smell made it smell  like a home.  I love going to mass when it's a school mass, hearing mostly children's voices singing with all of those imperfections ringing out loud and clear....now, that's perfection!

I am almost 47 years old and sadly, I am just learning to smell the roses.  Figure out what brings you joy;  it will lead you to your passion.  It will introduce you to God's creation.

 In the movie "Runaway Bride", Julia Roberts thought that she liked whatever type of eggs that her current fiance liked.  It was Richard Gere who pointed out that she liked what she thought others would want her to like.  He told her to call him when she figured out which type of eggs SHE liked.  In the movie, this seemed blatantly obvious to the viewer but, I don't think it's all that unusual.  We are constantly filtering and editing.....maybe it's time to start tasting eggs....

Today, I pray for my son and his addiction.  I pray for him to find who God created him to be.  I pray for him to find the all time high of learning his passion.  I pray for you and me to do the same.  And, as always a prayer for Henry.

Now, it all begins....How Marvelous, How Wonderful!

Tomorrow,  I will go to mass and visit with our Lord in adoration before going to confession.  I will do this in preparation and gratitude before Holy week begins.  I love the catholic church.  I love the rhythms and sights and smells of it.  I love the traditions which give me pause...to imagine Christ here, physically and how that must have been. 

And, while I love everything Catholic, in my mind, I still sing a hymn that my very Baptist grandmother would sing around the house...."I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene, and wonder how he could love me a sinner condemned, unclean.  How marvelous how wonderful and my song shall ever be, how marvelous how wonderful is my saviour's love for me."

Sunday is palm Sunday.  The beginning of holy week.  And, my son just came and told me that Sunday, he'd like to join me when I go to a horse show.  He asked when I would like to go and I said, "after mass."  "I'll go with you to mass too,"  he said.  "That will be nice," I say....but my heart shouts...How marvelous....How wonderful is my Saviour's love for me.

I was in the desert a lot last year.  I am fairly certain that it was in direct proportion to my need to be there.  And, just a few days ago I was grieving lost opportunities(see previous post)  that I had given up because my priorities had been misplaced.  I felt utterly heartsick because I didn't think I could rectify the damage I'd done. 

I couldn't.  God can.  I do not know what happened.  I don't know how it happened.  But, last week, I decided that all I could do, from here on out, was let my actions tell my son that I trusted who God created him to be.  It was pretty much just a mental decision that I had made.  I can't recall doing anything as a result of that decision, but..... he changed.  I can't describe it... he just changed.  And just as holy week begins again as it did so long ago, in my heart, I believe that IT is beginning for my son. 

You see for a long time now, well before I knew what my son's problem actually was, my prayer was, "please help return my son to you, first, Father and then to me."  This week, my son has helped me without being asked.  He has been responsible.  He is thinking ahead.  He is calm and quiet.  He has talked to me about his addiction/recovery.  He hasn't asked for anything.  He is pulling himself up.  And, he is doing it by himself because God created this boy of mine for something great.  Maybe it is something that will bring him fame or wealth or maybe he will help those who are the "least of these."  But, it will be great in the eyes of God and that's all that matters.

Today, I have prayers of thanksgiving for the miracles that mark the beginning of my holy week.  I pray for continued growth for my son and for your children.  I pray for continued faith.  I pray for our eyes to be always trained to search for the hand of God in our everyday.  And I pray for Henry.

Lost Opportunity

Yesterday I was flipping channels on tv and I ran across Charles Stanley.  He is a minister (I think Baptist) that my parents loved.  You see I started out as a southern Baptist and finally found my home in the Catholic church.  Anyhow, I paused and listened.  He was talking about the scripture that Paul spoke which is widely repeated, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  I love that verse. 

I have been studying humility, as opposed to pride.  But, on the other side of humility or perhaps a part of humility that we rarely consider is confidence.  He was saying that we have confidence when we are  using the gifts that God has given us and know that we can do what he asks because we know that he is THE one who fortifies us and gives us the means to accomplish his will.  Pride is when we think we can do it because WE have the power to do it ourselves. 

Then, I turned on Oprah's Master Class.  She began talking about her mother and grandmother who were both maids.  She remembered her grandmother hanging out the sheets for the woman she worked for and turning around and saying, "Oprah Gayle, you'd better watch so that you can do this yourself one day."  She remembers thinking ...no I won't.  She said that she felt it was not because at 6 yrs old she felt above it but because "a voice" she felt in her soul made her aware that she would do something else.  She went on to discuss all of these different times when others would tell her why she couldn't do something and it never seemed to worry her because she always KNEW that God was there with her, speaking to her and as long as she listened to His "whisper" that it could be done...and done beyond her wildest dreams.  Now that is confidence. 

Another thing Charles Stanley said was that he told his kids every night that if they could dream it and it was God's will, they could do it.  This instantly made me sad.  I have missed so many opportunities to build up my children, especially my son.  He does not want to hear what I have to say right now.  Not about him or his future, or drugs or rehab or church....But, I want to say, I want him to know that with every cell that makes up this middle aged body of mine, I KNOW, as I don't think he does, just how smart he is, how much talent he has.  Regardless of the obstacles that drugs and alcohol and the effects of their use have placed before him, he can do all things through Christ who gives him strength.  I know this.  It weighs so heavy on my heart that I did not help him to see it so long ago.  My soul weeps.

So today I pray for my son to learn, even though I can't tell him or make him believe me; that he will hear God's whisper.....that he will believe God's whisper....that he can do amazing things with God's help...and if he is doing God's will he will experience more joy than any substance can ever give him.  I pray for forgiveness for failing my son in so many ways and I pray for Henry.

Signs

Lately I have been bothered by the fact that my son insists that he can drink.  I thought that this was definately better than drug use, but I still didn't feel good about it.  I went to a fundraiser for the rehab center he used.  The talk was given by a recovering addict and her mother.  They had written a book.  At first, I didn't want to read it.  It is almost as if, reading it, means I have to go back there. 

I was having a particularly bad weekend so I decided to just dive right in.  When I read it, I learned how differently an addict/alcoholic treats alcohol.  It seems that for the author, at least, that very first drink brought instant relief.  I remember when I first started drinking, I thought how bad it tasted.  I remember not liking that feeling of losing control of myself.  It made me uncomfortable.  When I stopped drinking, it really wasn't that big of a deal. 

Then I read about how manipulative the addict can be.  These were all reminders of things I had tackled once and foolishly let slip into the back of my mind in some false sense that this was mostly behind me.    They were signs.  I am traveling a journey.  I am not checking the 12 steps off my list one by one.  No, I am learning and moving forward, only to become relieved and think that is behind me and before I know it, I'm back at step one again.  This is a chronic progressive disease.  It is lifelong.  I must be vigilant at all times.  This makes me tired. 

But, I don't have to do this alone.  And, I'm not.  I was given those signs just when I needed them.  With God's help and a lot of time in prayer, I placed a new boundary.  No alcohol as long as he lives here and if he does he must go.  I don't know where or how.....It makes me a little heartsick to think of doing that again but if it takes that to help him realize the gravity of this disease and realize that he needs help, then so be it.  Pretending to make progress will take us nowhere....and fast. 

Today I pray for courage to do what is necessary. I pray for my son to learn the lessons that God has for him and I pray for the soul of Henry.