Looking a Little Like Lucy & Ethel.....

When I feel anxious and out of sorts, I try to become still and quiet.  I reflect and examine.  I pray and study.  These are the ways I recharge my batteries and sync back up with what I need to do.  This weekend has been a quiet one.  I needed it. 

In the quiet, I was able to remember a story from when my mother was still alive.  My mother was this quiet and peaceful soul.  She didn't like drawing attention to herself.  She didn't like confrontation.  She was a home body.  As the oldest in her family, mothering just came naturally to her.  Her youngest sister was quite the opposite.  She was a spitfire.  She loved having fun.  She didn't mind telling you what was on her mind.  But, as different as they were, they loved each other so much.  It didn't matter that ten years separated them or that their personalities were so different.  They were sisters. 

They had one other sister, who was older than my aunt and younger than my mom.  She and her husband had problems with alcoholism.  Once a year or so after my grandmother died, my mom and aunt would try to make a visit.  The whole family, knowing how little that this aunt had, would pull together, buying food and clothes and pooling money to "help" them out.  I imagine that they had never heard the term enabling. 

My mother wasn't really comfortable flying.  But, she and my aunt bought the tickets and took off for what would be their last visit.  My cousin and I met at the airport to pick up our moms when the trip was over.  I greet my very quiet mother who says that she was so very thankful to get on the plane.  She said that she almost wanted to kiss the ground in that plane, she was so happy to be there.  She had been looking forward to that flight for days.  I look at her and think, who is this woman?  Then my aunt tells me how they had emptied their purses of every last cent to "help" out my aunt.  My aunt was nothing but rude and invited them to leave when they suggested she might have a problem with alcohol.  She had actually tried to kick her penniless sisters out after they made the trip and literally gave her their last dime. 

As my mother and her sister are walking so fast out of the airport, my cousin and I are barely able to keep up, their chatter is nonstop.  They laugh at how they were out of money and had to beg the flight attendant for extra peanuts.  My mom was a diabetic and so my aunt was worried about her not eating.  She begged for extra snacks, with my mother pleading for her not to worry about it,  and the flight attendant, clearly irritated with this crazy duo, throws the snacks at them. 

My mom was a softy, but she wasn't being thrown out.  I'm surprised that my aunt didn't give her sister what for.  She probably did. It is a funny story to us because one, we didn't have to deal with it and two it sounded stranger than any sitcom we could have come up with on our own. 

 Sounds crazy, right?  It was.  It still is today.  Addiction starts whirling and whirling and anything within reach of it's vortex gets sucked in. How do you remove yourself from the vortex?  Well, that would be to accept that we are not in control.  That would be to focus on what God's will is for us.  It would mean to stop enabling.  It would mean to detach from the problem and let the problem belong to the addict. 

I love my family, warts and all.  We all have a crazy aunt.  I think I've been called the crazy aunt by some of my nieces and nephews.  That's okay.  My prayer today is for the reader's family.  I pray that they will have the insight and courage to hand their problems over to God and seek his will in their life.  And I pray for the soul of Henry.

Snowball.....

Today has been one of those antsy days.   My pre-Al Anon self would have allowed that fear and anxiety to snowball totally out of control.  But today, I look inward.  Why do I feel this way?  What is fueling this fear? 

I look at my life and realize that every little item that contributes to this out of sorts feeling is because of something that I haven't dealt with. When I don't deal with something I dread, I am being slothful.  When I ignore my diabetic diet because I'm upset over what I can't deal with, I am being gluttonous and using food instead of God to help me deal with my problems.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.  My life in the church taught me all about confession but my son's addiction taught me just how practical and necessary it really is.  It helps me to anticipate.  When I don't use the gift of confession as I should, it leads to the place I find myself in today. 

This is my cue to slow down my life.  This is my cue to pray more about my life.  This twinge of fear and anxiety is a little reminder that God is in control.  I need to pray for strength to carry out my tasks and faith to give the rest to God. 

My son's addiction gave me perspective.  I pray that I never lose it.  Today my prayer is for a good examination of conscience, the ability to discern God's will and the faith to carry it out.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry. 

My Unfolding Mystery

I love a good mystery.  Growing up, I liked "Murder She Wrote" and "Perry Mason".  But, they became too easy to figure out.  Then I moved on to John Grisham.  I loved his earlier books.  The twists and turns kept my eye on all possible suspects and scenarios.  Now, I live the ultimate mystery.  I guess it's a good thing that God gave me a desire to l try to unravel them.

I used to think God created a grand plan for me.  I'm sure it involved fame and fortune. Thank goodness I was given an opportunity to look beyond that mindset.  About two years ago, I had the wonderful opportunity,during the coldest part of February, to go visit neighbors who have a winter home in Arizona.  February is a slow time for my husband's business so I had limited funds for my trip.  But, my neighbor had a little convertible all ready for me to drive while I was there. 

I arrived just days after an exhausting few weeks.  My entire family and my husband's secretary had gotten the swine flu.  Thankfully, it came in shifts.  But, for about a two week period, I had to cover at least two other people's jobs.  On top of that, it had snowed and that made taking care of the horses an even bigger task.  I left my home praying for my flight to not be cancelled due to weather.  I landed in 65 degree sparkling sunshine.  It was all I could do to not lay down and kiss the ground.

My marvelous neighbors told me to come and go as I pleased.  They told me to eat there or eat out.  It was my vacation.  The first day I got that little convertible out and put the top down, while wearing a jacket (dessert mornings are cold) and drove off to breakfast.  .

 I then drove off to Phoenix to have lunch with a colleague.  It was an hours drive and the sun was sparkling.  There in that little car, on the interstate driving through the dessert, I talked to God.  I mean that I discovered him there.  I felt him in the sun.  I felt his power in the wide open space.  I felt the peace of the dessert.  I truly felt like this would revive me.  It could help me to survive hard times.  It would rest my fatigue.  It would give me vision.

Everyday there, I noticed God a little more.  I felt strengthened for what lay ahead.  If anyone asked me what I did on that trip, I'd have to say that I spent a little time with God. 

Five months later, I would face the fact that my son suffered with addiction.  At first, I kept looking to the past.  I kept trying to figure out what I'd done wrong.  My list was too long to list here.  Then, I kept bargaining with God to let him recover and not relapse. 

Then, I joined Al Anon.  I found God in that little church basement with an eclectic collection of people.  The more I got to know them, the more I saw the touch of God.  They encouraged me to take care of myself.  I was there to work on me.  It was the only person I had control over.  This was such a hard task.  I had spent 22 years of my life taking care of my family.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

My prayer began to be for God to show me who he created me to be.  Little by little, he shows me a little more.  It is so exciting.  There is no grand revelation that I'll be rich or famous.  I'm just learning the joy in the everyday.  I'm also amazed at how taking care of myself is teaching my family to do the same.  It is time for them. 

My son went on a tirade about how he was so angry with the counselor for telling us to cut off contact with him.  He kept telling me how hard and upsetting it was.  I just listened.  After about thirty minutes, he said,"But, I learned a lot."  I said to him, " I don't regret doing it for even one moment."  "I think it might have saved your life."  He didn't argue.

Did you see that coming?  Not me.  I love these numerous little mysteries unfolding before my eyes.  Because I am leaning on God, he gives me the words and the timing with which to use them.  It doesn't take the grand gesture.  It doesn't have to be on my time.  It's like sitting on the sofa so curious for what the next scene would bring. 

It wasn't easy getting here.  I had to come to the place where I was willing to give God my son, no matter the outcome.  That is a big step for any mom.  If this hadn't worked out this way, I know that God would have given me what I needed to handle it. 

I'm so thankful for a change in perspective.  I pray that you will have the courage to look for God in the everyday and trust him with everything you love.  I pray for all those who suffer from fill in your blank. I pray for an increase of faith, a daily examination of conscience, and an effort to make amends where possible.  And, as always I pray for Henry.

What is really underneath it all?

 

Every big life change thrusts you into a new world that you must learn about.  Addiction is no different.  There are so many topics related to this issue.  Every time that I think I understand so much, a new little twist pops up.  I am constantly surprised.  I began looking into the beginning of AA and the 12 step program.  I discovered what a fascinating story that is.  I want to share with you a little of what I've learned.  I think it will help you whether you have addiction in your family or not. 

Let's start with a working knowledge of terms.  Addiction is THE disease.  It isn't just alcoholism or drug addiction.  Scientists have learned that in the brain of the addict, it doesn't matter what the substance is.  If it is booze or pills, stimulants or depressants, in the brain of an addict, it all behaves the same way.  Their brains have over a period of time, become rewired.  That is not to say that they don't have a drug of choice.  It just helps us to understand that the big problem is that of addiction.  Other substances might be substituted with many of the same effects of the drug of choice, in the life of an addict.

About the time of prohibition, we began to see a lot of alcoholics.  Few doctors recognized alcoholism as a medical condition.  Bill W an alcoholic, had found one doctor who looked at addiction as more than just a moral failing. He had treated Bill three other times. Bill was told that if this treatment failed, he would go to a mental institution or die.   On Bill's fourth hospital stay, he was feeling hopeless and cried out "I'll do anything, anything at all."  "If there is a God, Let him show himself."  He then experienced a great light, a sensation of ecstasy and serenity.  It was after this experience that he realized that any recovery could only happen because of a spiritual awakening. 

Bill later meets with an old drinking buddy who is now sober.  He tells Bill that he has found religion.  It helps Bill to talk to this friend. He realizes that alcoholics need other alcoholics to recover.   He then meets a doctor who struggles with addiction.  His name is Dr. Bob.  Together they begin forming what is now AA. 

Now fast forward a few years.  The AA "Big Book" has been printed.  There are a few meetings going on.  But, Bill is frustrated that things aren't taking off as quickly as he'd like.  It was a very cold sleety night.  Someone comes to the door and Bill in his fatigue thinks it's another bum.  He is tired but says come on in.  The fella removes his coat which reveals his priest's collar.  The man is Father Ed Dowling, a Jesuit priest.  He came to tell him how similar the 12 steps are to the "Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius."  Bill replies, " never heard of him."  This gets a laugh out of Father Ed but begins a great friendship between the two men.

Now, let's go back in time.  St. Ignatius, the author of the spiritual exercises, had his own "at the bottom" moment.  He was a great warrior.  He was very proud.  An injury forced him to be bed ridden for a very long time.  He requested reading material that had to do with warriors and battles but the only reading material was "Vita Christi" by Ludolph Saxony.  This book known as Simple Contemplation, asks the reader to place himself at each of the scenes of the gospel stories.  It was a condensed version of spiritual instructions, meditations and prayers that he had heard from over sixty writers, with regard to spiritual matters.  This made Ignatius experience a conversion.  He went on to form the Society of Jesus (Jesuits). 

OK, this is a very abbreviated version of a couple of men, separated by more than 400 yrs.  What could they possibly have in common?  As a parent of an addict, I have acquired this new vocabulary this year.  We've talked about detaching, learning the will of God through discernment, we've talked about dependence on God, we've talked about understanding the harms that we've done to others and then to make amends for them, we've talked about sponsors who advise you and have the courage to tell you when you are wrong.   We were advised to continue to take a moral inventory of ourselves and to make amends.  We do this so that thru prayer and meditation so that we can improve our contact with God.  And we are taught to take this message to others.  Learning these things was like hitting the lottery.  These activities have helped our family so much.  I had wished that the 12 steps were around when my grandfather, Henry was alive. 

Guess what, they were.  Well, not the 12 steps.  But, the idea that we give up control and become dependent on God.  The idea that we get to know ourselves and our motivations better so that we can learn through the gospel stories how Jesus lived.  The idea of frequent confession so that we can focus on the will of God.  St. Ignatius gave such great instructions for discernment.  He thought that everyone needed a spiritual advisor who could be honest  so that they  could see their authentic self.  Then he advised them to take God's message to others. 

Sound familiar?  Ever heard, "they need to hit rock bottom?"  Well, Ignatius and Bill had hit rock bottom.  In both cases, God intervened.  Ever heard of an intervention?  I really thought I was learning new cutting edge information.  Nope same problems, same solutions.  Do you suppose addictions are only to drugs and alcohol?  I don't anymore.  I think we are ALL addicts.  We might have different drugs of choice.  Ours might be legal.  But, addictions are something we need more and more of.  They are something we don't think we can live without.  We might spend more and more time trying to get what we want.  I love sugar.  I've told my endocrinologist that I needed AA for sugar and he agreed with me.  He said it was an addiction.  There is also power, money, attention, sex, food, and ANYTHING that you  can't or won't give up to maintain a healthy relationship with God (remember he is a jealous God).   You are as,  George Strait says in a really good song, "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places." 

Why are we so afraid?  Why were Adam and Eve afraid in the garden?  Sin....it is that voice telling us that it won't hurt to do what we want.  This is were we need to get to know ourselves....where we need to practice discernment.  Does the voice we hear tell us what we want to hear or does it bring us back to God? 

When we start peeling all of the rubbish off of our pile, we learn what is important.  Peeling back....detaching.  Relying on THE ONE, can show you what God sent you here for.  Now, how cool is that?  How exciting is that?  We, like the addict, have been mucking up God's plans.  But, it's not too late.  It never is. 

Today my prayer is that each reader will peel back to learn what is underneath.  God is at our core.  Can you find him?  I pray for the ability to recognize right from wrong, good from evil and life from death.  I also pray for the soul of my Henry and yours. 

"Reality is For People Who Can't Handle Drugs"

I asked my son if he ever watched "Celebrity Rehab"?  He said, "I have but I hate that show."  "Those guys are all narcissistic." I looked at him a little surprised and said, "well, I think that 's probably the norm for those suffering from this problem."  Now he looks at me a little shocked.  Then he says, " I hate that Dr. Drew, he is just getting a lot of publicity off of that stuff."  To which I reply, " I love him."  "There are so many stigmas attached to addiction and he is bringing light to others who don't really understand it."  "He has helped me to understand some of your behaviors along the way."  There was no argument.  There was just a little stunned silence. 

Perception is defined as becoming aware of, knowing or identifying by means of the senses, mind or cognition.  I read an article on a study of artists and non artists.  The study looked at how much time each spent on looking at an object and the amount of retention each had.  Oddly, the artists spent far less time and acquired a lot more details than the non artist. 

Our perception can change just based on our vantage point.  It can be changed based on light or our ability to see things for what they really are   If we zoom in on just one aspect of what we see, we will miss the bigger picture.  If we zoom out we may miss some tiny details.  Perception is huge.  I have started questioning what I think I see.  I think my view has many biases.  I think it is distorted from time to time.  It is only focused on what I want to look at. 

I think that a lot of brokenness comes from faulty perceptions.  We sometimes rely on others to define what is good or bad.  People don't always meet our expectations.  Even if they aren't aware of what our expectations are.  We might depend on money, job, romance, social standing or others to perceive that we are loved or successful.  Being dependent on others will always fail you.  Being dependent on substances will always fail you.  Being dependent on money will always fail you.  Being dependent on success will always fail you.  Being dependent on God is the only answer.  When you let go of dependency on everything but God, the frame zooms out offering so many more opportunities without losing focus on the little details.

We are all sick, just like the addict, unless we understand that God thinks we're just perfect for what he designed us to be.  Unless, we are willing to give up our "drug of choice" and try and follow his will for us.  Unless we become like little children, totally dependant on him.  Then, light will flood your heart, soul and mind.  Your vision will improve.  Your cup will runneth over.

We learn so much through suffering.  No one wants to go through it.  But, if we can let go and just walk through the pain asking God to lead us through it, then it is so much better than trying to avoid it.  We might actually learn that God will help us.  He will help us to survive it.  He will teach us things along the way.  He wants us to use it to help others. 

Today, my prayer is for an increase in light for all who read this.  I pray that each of you have the strength to let go.  I promise that God handles it better.  Let him take your yoke.  Ask him to forgive you for any offenses and ask him to light your way.  I pray for all those who suffer and most especially for Henry.


"If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite."  William Blake

Aren't We All "The Least of These?"

Recently, I went to visit my Dad's last surviving sibling, my uncle.  He is 92 years old.  He has memories that I wanted to learn before the opportunity is lost.  It is so interesting to visit an uncle or aunt after your parents have passed.  You see them and while they may be very different, there are those family similarities that you might have forgotten about.  A certain look, mannerism or the voice that sounds so familiar.  It is like seeing a little piece of your parents.  It is a reminder from heaven. 

I wanted to learn more about my grandfather, Henry.  I wanted to get a picture of the kind of man he was.  I wanted to understand how his addiction played out, day in and day out.  Lately, I've been hooked on "Celebrity Rehab" and "Intervention".  My family was initially very uncomfortable with my obsession over these shows.  But for me, it is a study.  My mother's passing made me keenly curious about death and heaven.  Now that is a difficult subject for study.  No one who has ever had the experience of dying has been able to come back and tell us about it.  As for heaven, I have always thought that if we really knew about it, no one would ever want to live. 

I visited my uncle who was thrilled to have the company.  He was so happy to tell stories.  But, every time that I asked questions about Henry, he seemed to go off subject.  I am sure that it was difficult.  I also think that during the time of his youth, they chose not to talk about that subject.  But, I did learn a few things.  For one thing, the face of addiction remains the same regardless of the cause of addiction.  It is selfish and fights to support itself above all else.  It still tears families apart and shortens the addicts life span.  It makes the addict look like a monster. 

I love "Celebrity Rehab".  At first, I thought that these were selfish, soulless people.  I thought that there was little hope for these folks.  I thought that many of them were only seeking attention by being on this show.  I thought the show was just another ridiculous "reality" show.  But, what I like most is how Dr. Drew explains these awful behaviors.  I like how he is able to peel back layer after layer until by the end, you see this wounded soul.  Initially, I was rooting for a select few to make it.  Now, the ones that I liked the least are the ones that I am pulling for most.  These are the most wounded folks who sought to find relief from their pain in perhaps the only way that they knew how. 

God creates us each and everyone with unique gifts and talents.  When we are little, we are unafraid of expressing our hopes and desires.  We boldly state that we want to be a great artist or astronaut.  As we get older and our sinful world starts to give us a very skewed perspective of what we can do or what we should do, we stop listening to the longing of our hearts.  We start turning down the volume of the voice of God.  We start thinking that we are the only ones in control.  We start relying on only ourselves.  We will never be happy this way.  We will search high and low to fill the void.  We may try to use food or drink.  We may use drugs.  We may spend too much money.  We may try to have a lot of possessions.  We may try to be the smartest.  But, until we strip all of that away and get to know the person that God created us to be and lean on him and his understanding, we are as lost as the addict is.  And, most of us can't even see that.  Most of us (including me) sat in judgement of the folks like my son.

Al Anon has taught me so much.  It teaches me first and foremost, that I am not in control.  That took some time to accept.  But, once I did, it is such a relief.  Then it taught me to take care of myself.  It taught me to allow God's will in my life.  It taught me to take a moral inventory of myself.  It taught me to make amends for the things that I can change.  It taught me to realize that God is the only one who could restore sanity in my life.  This is a very simplified version of some of the twelve steps.  The person responsible for these steps was an alcoholic who professed no religion.  I find that fact so fascinating.  I have learned more about living my faith from an alcoholic than from any lesson in church.  Now, that is not to say that I haven't learned a lot in church, because I have.  But, before we judge people, before we dismiss them because of a weakness that they have you'd better look a little deeper. 

Jesus didn't really hang out with the popular guys.  He didn't smooze with the really rich or famous.  He didn't only associate with the incredibly holy folks.  So, if we are to emulate his life, why do we avoid "the least of these" so much?  Why do we always assume that they don't have the capacity for change? Why do we think we're better than them?  I daresay that an alcoholic from Akron Ohio helped more people than I ever will.  Bill W. (the alcoholic from Akron and founder of AA) got a vision one night.  It was a vision on how to help fellow alcoholics.  I think it was the voice of God.  He listened.  He didn't look at the fact that he was a floundering alcoholic.  He didn't think of how little medical or psychological knowledge he might have. He  didn't worry about all of the details he'd have to work out to carry this message to those most in need of his message.

Today, my prayer is that my son and all of you will start to discover who God created in YOU.  I pray for the healing of souls. I pray that my son will discover the healing power of God.  I pray for those souls who died without the benefit of recovery, most especially the soul of Henry.

Sensations of Being High

We are a very judgemental society.  I am the first to admit that being judgemental is a perennial item on my confession list.  God is now giving me a new perspective on this very topic.  If I watch TV, I can't tell you how many derogatory references that there are to "junkies".  While there is a choice for addicts when they initially decide to experiment, later it is out of their hands.  My son is clean and sober.  He is working full time.  He is struggling to pull himself up by the boot straps.  It took a really long time to get this job.  Now his roommates might be using again.  He met them at rehab.  Now, my son is calling them junkies.  He was telling me about them and said, "You can't imagine what it is like to live with junkies, Mom".  This is where I had to say, "Actually, yes I do".  He looked at me a little surprised.  "I lived with you for the last few years."  "I understand the lying and manipulation that occur when addiction takes over a person's mind".  "They can't help it, it isn't personal".  You see while my son was impaired, he couldn't see himself as he really was.

I wonder if any of us really see ourselves as we really are, impaired or not?  I have thought a lot about why my son would ever even try drugs.  Life is hard.  Many of us aren't comfortable with who we really are.  We have an idea that we don't measure up.  Maybe we have an expectation of what our lives should be like that we feel like won't ever happen.  Maybe we constantly compare ourselves to other people who are successful at this or that and we only seem to see the things we're not good at. Maybe we think we fail if we aren't perfect at everything. I wonder why we always look at others to define what joy or success really are? 

Addiction is a family disease.  We are taught in Al Anon that our symptoms mirror the addict.  I would venture to go further.  I would say that most people that suffer in any shape, form or fashion, have similar symptoms to a family dealing with the disease of addiction.  I would say that they become so focused with whatever their problem is so much, that they forget who they are.  They forget what gifts God gave them.  They feel somehow angry and responsible regardless of how ludicrous that might be.  They might be living a life that is unmanageable.  I would say that many people who, like the addict, feel like they don't measure up, live a life void of peace, joy and excitement. 

Today, I received a letter from a lady who was our neighbor, when the kids were little.  She was an angel on earth.  She would watch my kids so that I could go to the grocery store.  When you have 3 kids, 3yrs old and younger and no family nearby, going to the grocery store alone is almost the equivalent of going to the spa.  She was so glad that my son was doing better.  She made a statement that was very thought provoking. She said, "I hope he realizes that that kind of life isn't really living, but was just a nightmarish dreary world that only gives him sensations of being high".  Well said.  I love this statement.  But, I think it also extends to you and me. 

Anytime we are so busy looking at what we can't do, don't have, think we want.....we fail to see what we do have, appreciate the gifts we have been given, experience the joy within.....I must boldly say that in many ways I am thankful for this cross that we have been given.  It has stripped away all of the superficial crap that I previously thought important.  I don't care that I'm not an amazing mathematician.  I don't really want to be a supermodel...although I would really like to be thinner.  I don't care that I'm not famous.  I am just grateful for this clarity I've been given.  I am so over the moon to learn that peace and joy and simplicity give me the most amazing high on earth.  Read that again....no sensation...a real high.  A high that doesn't cost money, doesn't make me sick, doesn't tear my family apart, doesn't take away my desires...no it only builds me up, my family up, makes me think so much clearer and makes me want to dance.  This high comes only from God.  It comes from putting first things first.  It comes from a grateful willingness to serve.  It comes from faith.  It comes from giving. 

I'm a little sad that I didn't arrive at this place until now.  I'm a little sad that it took this tragedy to find this understanding.  But, this is today.  Today is the only thing that I have influence over.  So, today, I share this with you.  Today I pray that you look to God for comfort, peace and joy.  Today I pray that you help God to show you the gifts that he has given you in the hopes that you will use them to glorify his holy name.  Today I pray that you will find that real high that comes only from God.  I pray for my son to find these same things.  I pray for all of you that have held us up and I pray for Henry, as always.