Beauty in Ordinary Time

Today is the first day of ordinary time.  To me, this is similar to returning home from vacation and getting back on schedule.  I get excited about vacation, and love it while I"m there but after a while, without regular routine, I get a little out of sorts.  I need a routine and a schedule.  So today marks the first day of the first of twelve weeks before Lent begins. 

The sun rises and sets.  The seasons come and go.  As a new catholic (relatively speaking) following the church's calendar just sort of ties things all together, helping me to feel God in the everyday.  I just love that.  I have this set of books called In Conversation With God by Francis Fernandez.  He is a priest of the Opus Dei Prelature and has a doctorate in Canon law from the Angelicum in Rome.  There are books for each season of the church and extra ones for feast days.  They are daily meditations, that for me, help me to get over myself and to focus on my daily duties according to God.  These little books have helped me to realize that I need different order in my life.  They help me to see the importance in the mundane and the triviality of what I might think important. 

My son is working.  He sounds really clear when I talk to him.  But, I think he's a little angry at us still for cutting him off.  I don't mean financially.  I mean our relationship.  I think that this is probably something he will need to process.  I think this is part of his healing. I think that I must still be patient.  I am starting to realize just how important the cycles of each day and season and year and lifetime are.  I feel like I am learning that just as the attention or lack of attention were paid to God's priority list before we learned of my son's addiction, that same attention today can help to heal and build up what was previously broken or disordered. 

I love the outdoors.  It is where I am most at peace and feel closer to God.  I think I got this from my Dad.  Maybe it is from my Indian heritage.  I don't know.  I do know that God is everywhere and in everything.  I know that every person that I encounter today is his creation.  I must remember that the actions I take with even his most irritating creation, is far more important than reading my e-mails, doing my laundry or doing reports at work.  Those things can be important too, but not at the expense of failing to show God to others through your daily actions. 

These daily meditations remind me in this first day of ordinary time of the importance of my day being one of prayer.  Each load of laundry, each errand I run each action I take should be done in light of what Jesus would have done.  I think I needed that reminder. 

I can't control my son.  I can't control whether or not he heals from his addiction.  I can only control my actions.  This is where God wants us to focus.  This is where I will heal enough to deal with either outcome.  I think my son is better, but who knows.  I must not hinge my every action on that.  I must be the person that God intends for ME to be.  I think he intends for me to trust him with the care of my son, no matter what. 

Today, I begin this day and season and year with a prayer that I am able to do God's will for me each minute of each day.  I pray for the strength to give my son's care to God.  I pray for an increase in faith.  I pray for each of you to be able to do the same in your individual situations.  I pray for healing for my son and as always, I pray for Henry. 

The Hill

Yesterday I took my 19 year old daughter with me to fulfill one of my bucket list items.  It was a dream from childhood fullfilled.  I used to look at the hills surrounding our western Kentucky home and long to climb to the top and see what things looked like from up high.  It was one of those little girl dreams that my Dad would say, "we'll do that one day,"  and by the time I was old enough to do it myself I thought well, I'll do it later.  Recently, as an adult, as I would drive down a rural highway where I live, I would look up at those really steep hills and remember that feeling of wonder, that idea of wonder Would it be thrilling when I got to the top and looked down. 

This journey we're on to heal our families' disease of addiction is so interesting.  We were so busy dealing with the addict...trying to fix or change him, that we forgot who we were.  It wasn't only addiction that robbed us, it was also being a wife and mother, being a boss, day in and day out routines.  It was mixing up our priorities.  It was not being in tune with God.  It was planning our day and thinking that we were in control of it.  Al anon has taught me to take care of myself.  It has taught me to look to God to let him restore me to sanity.  My son's addiction brought me to Alanon.  That program taught me how to live my life.  It taught me how to be a member of my family and how to realize that God was in control.  When I finally understood that and let go, I was able to live MY life...finally.  With that realization, my child-like curiosities, excitements, longings, faith and hopes seemed to return.

This is how we arrived at that hill, my mountain to conquer.  My daughter was looking very stylish in her cute little jeans and trendy sweater.  She had her jeans tucked into her Ugg boots.  Her hair and makeup were just right.  I had discussed this little trip with her before and she was game.  My son who was home visiting, thought about going but the new job left such a large number of blisters on his feet that he bowed out.  I say to my daughter, "do you want to go change...put on tennis shoes or rubber boots?"  "No, she says,these are comfortable, they'll be fine."  "Okay", I say.  Aren't you proud of me?  Before I might have gone off on a tirade about stating just how foolish she was.  Now, I offer a suggestion and realize that life is often times our best teacher. 

My daughter, Miss Glass Half Empty, and I are off and she is concerned about our eminent arrest for tresspassing, being shot by a hunter or falling to our death.  I just laugh and tell her to enjoy the adventure.  If we get arrested, it'll just make for a better story.  I don't think we'll get shot this close to the road and I'm sure we can just roll back down the hill if we have to.  She is not amused.  But we are off.  First we must cross the creek. We have to find a shallow section to cross before starting our climb.  We take pictures of our hill.  We get across this creek and I am starting to see my daughter as a city girl.  She is complaining about the brush, the slippery leaves, the beggar lice, and oh my the hair.....anything that messes up the hair!  We start to ascend.  It soon gets steep enough that we need to reach for small trees to hang onto and use them to pull ourselves up and grab onto the next branch.  I start feeling all of the 20 lbs of fudge that I must have consumed over the holidays.  My pulse is pounding so loud that I can't hear anything anymore.  We must stop to rest.

These hills can make you feel like giving up.  They make you physically tired.  Emotionally you are concerned about the unknown....how will you get down without falling and being unable to stop?  We keep climbing.  Then I get my foot caught in old tangled barbed wire.  It causes me to fall, which makes you keep sliding on those leaves that are blanketing that muddy hillside.  As soon as you fall, you must find something to hold onto so that you can stop the fall.  I am now covered in mud.  My daughter isn't sure if she should laugh or be worried....she opts for cautious laughter.  I get up brush off what I can and with bruised ego in tow, keep pushing forward.  We think that we're at the top until my daughter notices to our left another hill still taller.  We decide that we must go to the top of that hill to have really conquered our mountain.  Off we go and we get close to the top of the hill and we see tents just over the hill and a fire burning.  We decide that it's time to head back down the hill.  We take more pictures and plan the best route back down. 

The descent is much faster, like it or not.  We get most of the way down when my daughter very proudly states that she is gonna make it down without a fall.  She has yet to learn that making those statements is like tempting God.  He must just need a good chuckle when we get too proud of ourselves.  I hear a gasp and watch my daughter using both hands hanging on to a small tree, feet dangling down the hill.  Then I see blue, blittered nails slide all the way down to the trunk of that tiny tree.  All I could do was laugh.  It was a laugh so deep and loud that it echoed through those hills.  After my tongue lashing, we continue down and she falls again.  The old gal fell once.  The youngster fell twice....but she looked good doing it.  Oh what fun!

You might ask,  "How was the view?"  It was beautiful.  But, the climb, the journey...it held so many ups and downs and surprises.  It brought challenges and little triumps.  It brought joy and laughter.  God, who created that hill and each leaf on that ground, teaches us, still today, with parables everywhere, if only you look at each moment as an opportunity from God.  He tries each day to teach us so much.  With every new bit of knowledge comes insight and joy.  This all came to me from a desire that I had as a young girl to climb a hill.  When I listened to that desire, I had an adventure.  I learned about completing a journey on a concrete level.  I got to poke fun at my daughter.  I hope she learned that the jeans and the hair and makeup aren't nearly as important as the experience.  There was no Rocky Balboa music playing as we made it to the top.  It didn't make the papers.  But, it was fun.  It was a good memory to put in my pocket.  I'll tell my grandkids one day, when they are teenagers how silly their mom was.  It is a happy time, a treasure.

Today I have a prayer of thanksgiving for the joy and peace that comes when you stop planning and start trying to follow the plans that God has for you.  I am thankful for so much.  I pray for my son to keep staying strong.  I am praying for the health of all of my family.  I pray for continued direction.  And, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen

My New Years Bucket List

Talk to any 4 or 5 year old and it will certainly brighten your day.  Ask them about their dreams.  Listen carefully....because you won't hear limitations.  You won't get a lot of editing.  You'll just see honest, blind faith.  You'll get wild abandonment.  There is an excitement instead of a fear of what can go wrong.  As we get older, and we've had something not work out or we feel like we've failed at something, we loose faith.  We start to doubt our gifts, dreams and desires.  If you look at the really successful people, the common denominator is the perseverance.  They simply don't look at a "no" as the fact that their gifts aren't for real.  They just keep trying and realize that the "no" just means that either it isn't time or it isn't the venue for that dream to become reality.  But, they do not doubt God's gifts.

It is really rare when you see someone who has complete faith in their gifts and abilities.  Most of us are insecure.  We start looking at all of the things that could go wrong.  We start loosing excitement.  We start to become weary.  We stop loosing curiosity.  We start just living the day in, day out, tasks of our lives, instead of working towards living our best life experiences. 

This journey that I am on, is the result of one of the most frightening things that a parent can face.  My son's addiction did some really wonderful things in my life.  I now center my life around God.  I always thought that I did, but now I really give him everything.  I consult him about everything.  I try harder not to do things that will come between us.  Because, with God ever present in my day, it is a joyful one.  He gives me back that childlike curiosity and excitement.  He gives me back that desire to do things that I used to say I'd do.  Some of the things aren't monumental life changing...no some just look like fun.  Some are just an experience that I want to be able to put in my pocket. 

So, this year, I'm choosing a bucket list over New Years resolutions.  That may sound morbid, but it isn't.  It's just a goal.  If I don't write it down, I won't actively try to make it happen.  I want to do things that are pulling at curiosity, before I die.  I want to live, richly live with experiences that are open to us if only we are open to them. 

I'm gonna give you a sampling of my list.  I want my list to contain 100 items and when I finish those, I'll start a new one.  I hope you will consider ways to live fuller as well.  Enjoy what God has out there for us.  Thank him for the desire.  Thank him when you experience.  Share it with others.  This year, I realized one of my dreams.  As a native Kentuckian, I had never gone to Churchill Downs during a race.  This year, I attended the Breeder's cup at Churchill Downs and saw the amazing horse Zenyatta come in second during her final race, her only loss.  But, it was thrilling.  So on to more ideas....

I want to become a writer and be published.  I want to climb a really big hill and take photos from the top.  I want to ride a horse on the beach.  I want to visit Italy and eat my way through the country, learn to surf, learn to ballroom dance, have a back porch and eat breakfast there, tour Napa valley, start taking more picnics, find a great tree to lie under, on a beautiful old quilt and read, own a convertible and drive from one end of the Pacific Coast Highway to the other, drive across country, find out more about my family tree, visit my relatives more, experience at least one gee whiz, wow miracle, raise a ton of money for a great cause, learn Spanish.............

Today, I pray for all of you...that you may continue to dream and hope and never give up.  I pray that my son learns to dream.  I pray for his ability to fight this addiction.  I am thankful for the excitement that I have, that is a gift from God and I pray for the soul of Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Romans 8:28

As this year comes to a close, it is  interesting to look back at the year and look at where we've been, appreciate any good changes, and look forward in the hopes of making other changes.  There is nothing like a life changing event to really shake you out of complacency. 

Last January, I would never have imagined that we would be where we are today.  Oddly enough, my son's addiction has been a gift to our family in many ways.  I would never have imagined how this could be until I went through this.  When a child, even an adult one, faces such a life threatening crisis, you will either roll over in the fetal position and give up or you will throw caution to the wind and fight like never before.  I must admit that I did find myself in the fetal position from time to time, but, only long enough to gather myself, pray for strength and direction, get mad and get up swinging. 

This year has taught me so much.  I have truly understood for the first time ever that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, in control.  I have learned to trust God and to stop fighting for control.  I have learned that I will not survive peacefully, unless I have surrendered my all to Christ.  I now know that even the most trivial (in my mind) of sins, separates me from God.  I know that miracles happen, big and small, when I follow God's will. 

This year I joined Al anon.  It is one of my life's greatest blessings.  Al Anon teaches me to take care of myself.  It teaches me to stop taking God's teachable moments away from my son.  It has taught me to allow God to restore sanity to my life.  It has taught me to mind my own business.  It has introduced me to such amazing people.  It has given me a wonderful safety net of people who know all about what I'm going through. 

This disease has brought me closer to friends and family.  It has shown me how loved and blessed that I really am.  It has made me more mindful of how important it is to constantly pray for my loved ones.  Since I'm not so busy trying to fix my son, I've started to dream again.  I've started to pursue some of my interests again.  I am excited for the first time in a long time. 

My husband and I are truly a team.  This disease has brought us so much closer.  He is learning through Alanon in a men's meeting.  We are learning to really follow God's will in every aspect of our family, business, and home life.  We are finally growing.  No more stuck in neutral or even going in reverse. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not happy that my son suffers from the effects of addiction.  I wish that he had never tried the first thing.  But, he did.  It is what it is.  It is the past.  Today, I am thankful that I was finally able to take a life experience that God gave me and actually learn something.  This time, after a few "poor me's", I stopped and asked "ok, what do I do?''  "Show me the way, Lord."  And guess what, he answered.  He didn't leave detailed instructions.  No, it was more like, trust me with him first....then I received peace.  Then it was a gift of sharing this story with all of you...then I had a desire to pursue writing and I received such closeness from you all and the gifts of your prayers.  Then my husband and I stripped away all of the useless unimportant aspects of our lives, tossed them in the can and are starting fresh.....that is so hopeful. 

I look back at 2010, and feel blessed.  I really do.  I feel excited.  I feel like shouting....Look what God CAN do!!  On July 25, 2010, I could never have imagined that this is how I'd feel, but I do.  On that date, I learned a truth that had been haunting my son for some time.  It is always best to get truth out in the open and deal with it.  I began by feeling paralyzed with fear and now feel comfort and joy.  Thanks be to God.  I look so forward to what's to come.  I can hardly wait to see what God will do this year.  My faith has grown....maybe not enough but it is growing.  Life is good. 

My son has a job.  He is excited.  He is making it on his own.  I'm not doing anything to support him except remind him that I love him and know that he can do it.  His confidence is growing.  My confidence in him is growing...little by little.  I think 2011 is gonna be amazing.  But, 2010 was pretty good too. 

Today my prayers are of Thanksgiving for my family, friends who are my family too, my son's sobriety, my husband's will to do what's right, my girls strength, my Al anon family, and for all of the gifts of health for my family members.  I don't really need black eyed peas or tamales for good luck this year (but I want them...).  I will continue praying for each of you in the new year and as always for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Gifts of Christmas

This was my first Christmas.  Okay, not my first day to celebrate Christmas, but my first day to really get Christmas for what it really is.  I feel such joy that I feel as if I might explode.  I want to dance in the snow. I want to shout at the top of my lungs.  I have been richly spoiled this Christmas.  I do not deserve it.  I am so very thankful.

Last night, we took our children out to dinner.  We took ALL of our children out to dinner.  It was not perfect.  It was even awkward at times.  But, it was an opportunity to really see what God has been doing while we have been sitting in the dark.  We have been swinging between peaceful and frantic.  We have been stripped down.  We have had to give up our child to get a chance to get him back.  But, last night, I saw him.  I saw my real, authentic, clean, healthy, clear headed son.  He is even clearer than he was right after rehab.  I saw potential.  I saw possibilities.  I saw a young man instead of a compromised boy.  I saw hope.

It is not a done deal.  All is not safe, I know.  But, I see the handiwork of God.  I see miracles that I didn't even fathom.  It could be fearful to think of losing this again.  I am not afraid today.  Today, I am appreciating this gift.  You see, when my son left, I expected the worse.  Because, that is what I got when I was handling it on my own.  But, now he is in the hands of God and the beauty that comes from that touch was reflected last night.  It lit the room.  It has my heart ablaze with joy.

I got other gifts too.  I have this amazing circle of earthly angels praying for us, all of the time.  I am the richest person in town.  It is so amazing to me that when you change your focus from things of this earth to things of God, how you can truly feel joy.  It makes you want less material things because the "high" of receiving the gifts from God is unlike anything...ever!!!

Today my prayers are of Thanksgiving.  I am thankful to see that my son is still there.  I am thankful that there is hope.  I am so thankful for my friends and family...my earthly angels.  I pray for strength to continue this long journey.  I pray to keep my eyes lifted up.  I pray for all of you, for health, happiness and strength to do what God has in store for you.  And, as always, a prayer for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

In Process.....

Recovering from addiction is a journey.  We have been told many times that it is long journey.  It really isn't something that anyone really wants to hear.  In Al Anon, we learn that we also have a disease.  Our journey is also a long one.  This family disease is taking us all up and down the hills of recovery and around winding curves of understanding.  I say all of this to serve as a reminder that any one event that occurs is not the make or break event.  We are not (thankfully) a Lifetime movie where all is solved in 2 hours.  Our ending isn't one glamorous climactic ending. 

If we live our lives according to God's will, we may someday learn to stop looking for the "final" answer or the conclusion to the cliffhanger.  We may take the day or the moment and cherish it.  I have been praying really hard to know what to do next. 

I have had three people in the last few days pose the question to me, "what if he's not using?''  I have already totally subscribed to the theory that an addict will lie and lie.  So, I have ignored his telling me that he was clean.  Christmas is a hard time to be estranged from any loved one.  My husband and I were ready to trudge through this holiday without him, if it would be best for him.  Then, we received a visit from his 80 yr old grandfather, who is terribly hurt by all of this.  He has a hard time with our cutting him off.  This was very upsetting to our entire family.  We all want what's best for my son.  We all just have different ideas of how to do this.  This question of whether or not he was using started to nag at me a bit.  We had those mad because we didn't do enough and those mad because we did too much.  It makes your head swirl and makes you question.  I had to slow down and pray.  Then, out of the blue, I heard myself ask my husband if he wanted to go see my son to check on him, unannounced, so that we would truly see him as he is.  He too had been questioning, so he was all for going.

My heart began to pick up speed the closer we got.  I began to question myself.  I began to pray.  Am I doing this for only my sanity?  Will this set us back?  I prayed for guidance.  I prayed for a sign.  I prayed for my son.  We knocked and knocked on the door.  I didn't think he was home.  Then he came to the door.  He was instantly upset.  He said that he was getting over the loss of us and now here we were and it would be hard again.  Real emotion....it stirred my heart but I was still unsure.  We took him to coffee and talked for about two hours.  It was awkward.  It is hard to trust.  But, he was taking care of himself.  He looked and sounded good, clean and sober.  He often got emotional.  He never asked for anything.  He was just hurt that we would cut him off.  But, I don't regret it.  Sometimes you must lose something to appreciate it. 

Do I think he has recovered?  I think he is in recovery.  I think that when he relapsed, he was in recovery.  He needed to see first hand that he could not do this.  Has he learned that lesson?  He thinks so but, maybe one day he will be strong and think he can do it and slip again.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I think he is in process.  I think we are in process.   We are not defined by single events or moments in time, but by the sum of those moments and days and the direction we take.  No one can say we are good or bad.  No one, but God, knows the hearts of me or you or my son.  No one can say that this is good or bad.  It was for me a chance to check on him.  If he looked bad, I wanted another chance to fight for his life.  If he looked good, I wanted him to know we loved him so much.  I got to tell him.  I got to hug him.  I got to see that he still loved and missed us.  It was a gift.  I have still given him to God.  I still think he has a long journey.  But, I thank God for yesterday.  It was not the moment of surrender to go to rehab, he wasn't a dramatically totally turned around guy.  It was a step or two in a good direction.  I am thankful.  Merry Christmas to me. 

I want to leave you with this tale that was read to me at a family outpatient meeting.  I think it is important to remember the moral of this story in each of our lives and be grateful for all of the small victories, instead of holding out for the big finale.  Somehow I don't think our Lord writes for Hollywood.  His works are far better.  We just need the faith and patience to appreciate his works. 

A Chinese farmer has a stallion. One day the stallion runs away. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such bad luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
A few days later the stallion returns with three mares. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such good luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
The next week the farmer's son breaks his leg taming the wild mares. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such bad luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
A month later the Chinese army comes and demands all the young men soldier age. The farmer's son does not have to go because of his leg. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such good luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
And so it goes...

Today I am thankful for the son.  I am thankful for my son.  I am thankful for this small victory.  I am thankful that my son just got a full time job.  More lessons from the ultimate teacher.  I pray for your Christmas miracle.  I pray for each moment to be fully appreciated.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Fiat Lux

5:38pm CST today is but a moment in time.  It is a moment that is quilted with rich layers of meaning.   When God said let there be light, it brings up connotations of coming home late at night on a cloudy gray evening and after stumbling around feeling for the switch,  we are given sudden vision.  Before finding that switch, it can be a little frightening not knowing where you're stepping.  My mind can instantly write an astounding number of horror filled scenarios, with  terrible images of people lying in wait, standing just ready to lunge for me.  The instant that the room is flooded with light, there is instant relief. 

Sunlight gives us vitamin D.  It grows our vegetables.  It provides warmth.  It can be stored up and used for power.   Sunlight affects our bodies cortisol levels.  It affects our mood.  Light therapy is now used to treat swelling and pain. 

"God is light and in him is no darkness at all."   The calendar is set up to put an end to the lengthening nights and the shortening days at the time of Christ's birth.  His birth allows us to have the hope of heaven and an end to darkness.  These ideas of light permeate me with great curiosity.  While I do not understand the scientific principals regarding light, my heart believes that Christ represents this illumination that is so much bigger than our imaginations could ever fathom. 


This season makes my heart homesick for my son.  I live in utter darkness.  I don't really know how or what he's doing.  I don't know if he's eating.  I don't know what or how much he's using.  I don't know and probably don't want to know how he is surviving.  I don't know if he will ever decide to get help.  I don't know if I will hear from him on Christmas.  But, I do know that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.  I know it because we are told to ask for the desires of our hearts, according to God's will, and it will be given to us.  I don't know how or when it will be given to me, but when it is, it will be like the light flooding the room with light.  It will be an instant feeling of safety.  It will be my Christmas. 

Today, I pray for God's light to help my son find his way home.  I thank him for both the symbolic and actual increase in light in my days ahead.  I thank him for all those little lights of friendship and prayer that he is placing along our path.  I pray for my granddaddy Henry and for the Henry in your family that his heart will also warm to the light of Christ.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.