The Wait

We've let go.  Now we wait.  Waiting requires taking no action.  It involves quiet anticipation of the unknown.  It involves continuing to live our lives as normally as we can minus one family member.  It is a little sad as we approach the holidays.  It is a little relief to not continue to fight a losing battle.  It is what it is.....whatever that is. 

Prayer is my source of strength.  It is all I have and probably all I had all along.  Yesterday on Oprah, she did a story on a healer in Brazil, who others refer to as John of God.  He sees thousands of people each day, three days a week.  He takes no money as he says that he isn't doing anything, only God.  She had a scientific journalist and a medical doctor from Harvard on the show.  Both guests had been to visit this man while he was healing others.  Both guests came away with different views.  They both felt that there is so much in life that we can't see.  So much that we can't measure or explain.  I have no doubts.

Prayer is just such a thing.  It can't be understood, measured or seen.  But it's power is huge.  It's healing is unexplainable.  So, while I wait, I pray.  I pray with faith.  I pray for what God wants in this situation.  I know what he wants will be so much better than what I can imagine.  I have stopped looking at the usual routes.  I have stopped expecting the usual prognosis.  I am expecting far greater.  My faith is intact.  I just pray for patience.

On this day, I am thankful for the quiet peace that only God gives.  I am thankful for all of the support that surrounds me and my family.  I pray for God to return my son to Him first and me second.  I pray for those who are sick and suffering.  And, as always, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

The Peace That Passes All Understanding

M. Scott Peck describes Satan in his novel, In Heaven as on Earth, as a beautiful voluptuous woman with long flowing hair.  She wore form fitting clothes and was everything he could ever imagine having in a woman.  To him, Satan, being ever so subtle, is capable of knowing our weaknesses and manipulating them.

For some, Satan might come in the form tremendous power.  For others, it might be great wealth.  It seems as if for those who are not struggling with addiction, to be similar to a drug of choice for those who are.  I think that Satan takes our human weaknesses or desires and morphs them into an area of temptation.  I think my area of temptation has been my son.  It has been my sick notion that I somehow had influence over him while he is under the influence of his addiction. 

I think I had an epiphany the day that we cut his phone and told him not to call unless he wanted treatment.  It suddenly occurred to me that if my son was not willing to come home where his financial needs would be met, that his motives for being away were not ones of independence, but ones of isolation.  I was also finally able to admit to myself that any interaction that he had with us, was motivated by something he wanted from us.  He never really called to see how we were doing.  He never cared that we worried.  He did not think outside of himself.  My son is gone.  He is lost inside the madness of addiction. 

When he called to ask why his phone didn't work, his voice sounded foreign to me.  He reminded me of the snake in The Jungle Book movie who is able to contort himself into something you think you want if you are not fully paying attention.  Addiction feels and looks like my best imagination of Satan himself.  So, as I talked with "my son", it felt good to keep repeating, "Don't call unless you want to go to treatment."  When he asked if he could call on Thanksgiving, it was easy to say, "Not unless you want to go to treatment."  My strength multiplied every time I said it as I imagined myself saying....Get behind me Satan!!

I have finally, honestly realized that I cannot fix or control this.  Only God can.  I have finally, totally given this to God.  It gives me an indescribable joy in my heart, in the midst of this terrible circumstance.  My mind questions my sanity.  It is as if God has given me a secret gift that he has yet to reveal to me.  It is a feeling of advent.  I don't know why, but I feel like only good will come and I am waiting, peacefully.  God knows what I need far better than any want I could ever imagine.  Perhaps because I really let go, this is the gift of faith.  This is the faith that God is handling this.  Relief forces have taken over which are properly armed and equipped with omnipotent intelligence.  This is the only power capable of stopping this madness. 

Cutting the last ties was so frightening before, but now, I know that any contribution in any way would be my helping to continue his habit, my helping if he were to overdose and die, my helping if he were to go to jail, my helping to sustain a life absent from God.  I will not be a party to that.  As, my friend said, it's as if I'm telling Satan himself to GET OFF MY PROPERTY!

This is truly a peace that passes all understanding.  Thanks be to God.  When I went to mass this weekend, the celebrant was a Father of Mercy priest.  How appropriate.  He talked about the fact that he rivaled St. Augustin in his shenanigans.  He did not attend mass for 10 years.  Now he is a priest.  God in His goodness keeps giving me hope. 

Today I am so thankful for the amazing gift of faith and hope.  I am thankful for the closeness of God on my journey.  I am thankful for prayers from too many people to count.  I pray for my son to come to the place where he sees addiction for what it really is.  And, as always I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Split the Baby

Today is a day that I have feared for a very long time.  It is a day that used to make me beg and plead with God to help me to avoid.  But, in His goodness, He has prepared me for this day and I mainly feel relief.  This is shocking to me on many levels.  But, when you finally trust, you are given clarity.

It became apparent to my husband and I that addiction is who we've been dealing with, not my son.  When someone has a problem with addiction, drugs are their god, their father, their mother, their brothers and sisters....their everything.  All interactions between the addict and anyone else are motivated by a need to get anything they can to continue their habit. 

Unsure of where to draw the line while letting go, my husband called a counselor who advised us to cut all ties including his phone, which I was very nervous about taking away, because this was for me, so that I could check on him.  He also advised us to tell him not to call us unless he was ready to go to treatment.   So, today with hands shaking, I dialed the cell phone company and asked them to disconnect the phone.  The lady explained that there would be all sorts of penalties for ending the contract early.  I told her that I knew but that my husband and I needed to stop enabling our son.  She was very kind after that and helped to shut the phone off immediately instead of it taking until the end of the billing cycle. 

Then I had to wait.  I was so nervous about his phone call.  I knew that he would call and be mad.  I knew that it would be hard to tell my son not to call me.  I didn't know how I could do it.  Then, I started to get these thoughts.  I know they were directly from God because they came from nowhere.  I started thinking about how I've struggled to truly hand my son over to God.  I have handed him over but not totally let go.  I've fed him, helped with laundry and called him.  He doesn't call me....unless he wants something.  I started thinking about Soloman and the two harlots with the two babies.  One of the babies died in the night and the women fought over whose baby had lived.  Soloman suggested that they cut the baby in half and the real mother said no let him live, give him to her.  Soloman knew that she was the real mother.  I've been asking God to split my baby......until today.  Today God gave me the courage and wisdom to know that I had to give up something that I really don't have in the first place.

I talked with my son.  I told him not to call unless he wanted treatment.  He tried to manipulate but I didn't bite.   I was strong because I wasn't talking to my son.  I was talking to addiction.  I hate addiction.  I will not back down from addiction.  I'm mad now.  I'm fighting for my son. 

I am thankful on this day for God's amazing grace.  I am thankful for clarity, understanding and courage.  I am thankful for all of the wonderful folks who are praying for us daily.  I pray for my son to fight addiction as hard as I intend to.  And, as always, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Instructions for Letting Go

My vocabulary is increasing these days.  It now includes a lot of words that I thought I understood the meanings to.  There are words like enable, detachment, codependent, manipulation, martyr, and a host of others.  I think that we really only scratch the surface of our understanding of most terms.  We might have an idea of what something means in  a particular situation but maybe we don't fully understand all of the parts and pieces of it's meaning.  Then there's the next level of understanding a word, there's how we use it. 

When you really need to understand how to deal with a very difficult situation, you must be careful that you are handling it in the most appropriate fashion.  I am no longer enabling my son's addiction.  This means that no financial support is offered.  This means no excuses are made for the addict.  This means we don't make sure they get up on time, pay bills, go to meetings or anything else. 

Detachment is when you step away from addiction in order to take care of yourself.  This is a hard one for moms.  It's hard to step away from the mom role.  My son is an adult now.  As a counselor told us, "he's been raised."  Stepping away not only allows you to take care of yourself, it also allows the addict to be responsible for himself.  In the past, we've manipulated many situations to help him succeed.  This isn't true success. 

I could go on and on with this new vocabulary list I'm having to learn to impliment, but, my big question as of late was, where is the line between walking away and loving unconditionally.  I found this in some of my things from rehab.  I am not sure who to give credit to, but it is good and helped guide me. 

TO LET GO........

To let go is not to stop caring,
It's recognizing I can't do this for someone else. 
To let go is not to cut myself off,
It's realizing I can't control another. 

To let go is not to enable
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is not to fight powerlessness,
But to accept that the outcome is out of my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame others,
It's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, it's to care about.
To let go is not to fix, it's to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
It's to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to try and arrange an outcome,
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
It's to permit another to face their own reality.
To let go is not to regulate anyone,
But to strive to become what I dream I can be.

Today I pray for the ability to let go with love.  I pray for my son to desire radical life change.  I pray for all of my friends and their struggles and as always for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

The Amazing Power of Prayer

I find myself truly in awe of how much our Lord provides us when we ask.  I was having one of those days where you can feel the fear creeping up from your toes to your stomach, forming knots in it and all the way to your chest which is feeling squeezed so tightly that you can barely breathe.  I was thinking of all of the things that my son does or doesn't do that remind me how much addiction has taken from us.  I was wondering if he would ever really be a part of this family again.  I wondered if he would ever really grow up and be a responsible adult.  Would he ever have hopes and dreams and goals?  I was looking at how big the gap seemed to be between my son and others his age.  I felt defeated.  I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help him in any way to  head in the right direction. 

I began to pray and read my Al Anon steps, especially step one, and I realize that there is nothing that I could do.  Now, It's hard to know that  there is nothing to do but sit back and watch someone flounder.  Then I went to my meeting.  This is where God speaks to me almost directly, it feels.  Our leader began talking about how much harder it was dealing with addiction with a child than it was a spouse and that what she had come to realize was that when she left things alone, she wasn't messing up God's plan.  She went on to say that the addict is where he is supposed to be, not where I expect him to be.  This is the route that God has plotted for him to take.  This is where I must be faithful and remember that he is in God's hands.  This where I must have the courage to stand back and stop interfering.  This is where I must continue to pray. 

Today I am most grateful for conversations with God.  I am thankful for his calming reassurances.  I pray for continued vision and strength.  I pray for my son to have a strong desire to fight his addiction.  I pray for all those who battle illnesses.  I pray for my family to find comfort during this difficult time.  And as always, I pray for the soul of Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

The Beauty of Gray Hair

My best friend of sixteen years has had gray hair, or at least a shock of gray hair, for most of the time that I have known her.  Her shock was really very pretty.  I used to give her a very hard time for worrying about the fact that she had gray hair.  Then one day, I saw enough gray hairs on my own head to literally shock me.  I couldn't believe it.  How dare they land on my head.  When I mentioned this to my friend, she just laughed.  I told her that it was okay for her to have gray hair but it was another story all together if I had gray hair.  For some reason, I could only see myself as a young person never changing.  I couldn't see myself aging. 

Our society seems to think that youth and perfection, whatever that is, are to be strived for.  We dye our hair, have plastic surgery, try to dress way too young and pretend that all is perfect in our world.  I wonder what we think we are changing by hiding our real authentic lives and selves. 

Growing up, I had this vision of what my life would look like.  It was probably some homogenized cookie cutter version of what I thought perfection was.  It has taken some time and some life experience to rethink things.  I remember seeing Bette Davis being interviewed on the Today show when she was quite old.  She had obviously had plastic surgery and had dyed her hair, she had thick blue eye shadow on and it was really quite a sad spectacle to see.  I thought about the fact that she was probably someones grandmother.  My grandmother had gray curly hair.  She had all of the appropriate wrinkles.  She didn't wear makeup often and when she did it was very light.  She was soft and comforting and safe. 

Our lives, the ups and downs of them, and the process of aging leave their marks.  I don't really think about them being scars as much as smoothing away our rough edges.  Like a saddle that is broken in, life's experiences make us more supple.  They make us more understanding of the importance of life.

Facing the beast of addiction has certainly stripped away a lot of unnecessary worries.  Things that used to bother my husband and I in the past, are hardly worth mentioning.  Things of beauty that we used to miss in the hustle and bustle of our busy lives, are now noticed and savored.  One of the gifts of this struggle is vision with clarity. 

If you've ever seen the photos of Mother Teresa you will see many many wrinkles.  You will see a body which is hunched over from years of living a life not filled with luxury.  What you will see is a radiating smile or a peaceful prayerful face.  I think we miss the beauty in our everyday lives.  Beauty is not about perfection but more about trying to do the right thing in spite of the difficulties.  Beauty is in the day in and day out prayers.  Beauty is in the everyday hum drum.  Beauty is when your faith grows just a little bit.  Beauty is in even the tiniest miracle.  It is all around us.  The more we reach out to each other in our struggles, the more we learn to love.  The more we love, the closer we are to God.  The closer we are to God, the more peaceful we become. 

I'm by no means happy that my son is an addict.  But, I guess I had to hit bottom too, to understand so many things.  So, today, I am thankful for all of the lessons I am learning.  I am thankful for my gray hairs and wrinkly neck, because it means that I have lived.  I am thankful that I am learning to look at souls instead of bodies.  I am thankful for more things than I can list here.  I pray for my son to fight his addiction every single day.  I pray for all of you who life is smoothing away your rough edges, and I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen

Quiet the Monster

My biggest struggle involves my imagination.  It can go all sorts of places that I never want it to go.  It is a fruitless waste of energy and time.  Yet, it is a struggle to turn it off.  Once it starts to spin, it goes faster and faster until I have to physically stop myself by sitting down, thinking about exactly why I've become so fearful, trying to slow my breathing and praying. 

There are days where I do okay and then there are days that for no apparent reason I tend to go to the dark side.  I understand that this is a result of my not turning this over to God and the fact that I haven't accepted that I can't control this.  I have to constantly remind myself to "Let go and let God".  At my last Al anon meeting one of the ladies had a great acronym.  FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. 

I really liked that .  It is very hard to focus on doing what I need to do.  I have been trying to change and control my son for such a long time that even though he is off trying to take care of himself, I am here spinning and imagining possible scenarios as if it will somehow influence things.  I am as sick as the addict.  I am in as much need of change as he is.  I am really a slow learner. 

One of the things I'd been wondering about was what to pray for.  I know I pray for God's will and I know that God gives free will....so, exactly what do I pray for?  Then, I read a blog of my best friend's son and this was the topic for November 1, 2010.   This month, Pope Benedict's prayer intentions are for the victims of drugs or other dependence that they may, thanks to the support of the christian community find in the power of our saving God, strength for a radical life change. On All Saints Day...a day that 12 years ago, my mom left this world, this was the post.  This was an answered prayer, because I think I worried that because God gave free will and an addict is at the mercy of the drug, that it would be hopeless.  Writing that sounds awful, it's just one of those twisted thoughts that fear creates. 

I have hope.  I think that prayer is so huge.  This blog is my continuous prayer.  I find peace with each and every post.  It is the peace that passes all understanding that only comes from God.  Today, I feel hope that my son will beat this.  I really do.  I know it will be a long process but with God and prayer ALL things are possible. 

Today, I have a prayer of Thanksgiving for answered prayers.  I am thankful for hope and prayers.  I pray for my son to have the strength to radically change his life.  I pray that I give him the right support so that he can do that.  I pray for all of you who struggle and as always, for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.