I had forty-five days. Forty-five days where I simply had no control. He had forty-five days. Forty five days where he had no control. We had no power.
For forty-five days, I could admit that I was powerless. I really haven't had any trouble admitting that my life was unmanageable. But, admitting powerlessness, that was another thing all together.
But, for those forty-five days, I was actually aware that I was totally under God's care. I had my ups and my downs. Sometimes I felt brave only to crash and feel hopeless later.
By the end, I had accepted that I could not make a difference. Before, I was so adamant about showing unconditional love. Now, I questioned that love. Was it really unconditional or an effort to love him out of his addiction (manipulate)?
The best thing that I did, was pay attention. If I could quit planning long enough to just be present, then I could learn so much more.
What if I stopped judging everything that he said ...what if I stopped thinking..., 'that sounds irresponsible or it sounds like someone who is not on the right road to recovery...' You know those crazy thoughts--If I could stop long enough to just witness who he is as a child of God, what would I see differently.
So I became a spectator. I watched deeply. I listened intently. Every time that I tried to get all 'judgy' I asked God to help bring me back. The more I watched, the more I liked watching. He is a very smart, fun and loving person to be around.
Once after he came home but before he went back to Sober Living, I was unable to stop myself. "I'm just so worried because I haven't heard you say that you weren't going to drink again." I said with tears rolling down my cheek (extra guilt thrown on top ).
"Mom, I feel bad. I don't want you to cry. But, I can't say that. I don't know that I can say it. So I'm not going to."
Crap. Double crap. I blew it again. "Please Lord help me. I knew better but I just could not stop myself. Help me fix it. Amen."
"I'm sorry." I repeated.
"I don't want you to feel bad because of me." He said.
"I am the one who is sorry. If it weren't you, it would be something else. It's what I do." I said.
He looked surprised. I felt better. It was all true. It was my stuff. We are on this parallel journey. If I can just stay on my path, I think it will all be okay.
These hardships are but lessons on living. I'm praying for us all. And, for Henry, of course.